A
female
age
41-50,
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writes:My husband has been good to me in the past 12 months of our marriage however, i have recently found him out to be having pornography (pictures) in his cell phone and he also keeps a facebook account he told me he lost some two years back. His sole activity on that account is to look up females, all that he knew and ever interacted with, even the front desk girls of the bank he keeps his accounts in . I feel disgusted. We have a 3 month old son and our first wedding anniversary is coming up in two days which i dont really feel like celebrating....am i right to think that what he did / doing is emotional infidelity? I am so disgusted and hurt ... i cant eat, i cant sleep ... i am crying all the time!
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anniversary, facebook, infidelity, porn, wedding Reply to this Question
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (11 October 2013): i'm very sorry you have to go thru that,but i have to say it makes me feel a little better that i'm not the only one that would be soooo hurt :-( .. i love my boyfriend very much but since ive caught him lying and found what he was looking up on the phone i bought him, i just feel hurt all the time! i try to just put it in the back of my mind but i cant just make myself stop hurting!! i hope you figure it all out because i cant seem to. he said he wasnt like that and knew how i felt but he did it anyway.. how do you just forget your man needed to look up other women with bigger better boobs than you and feel the same about him AND yourself???
A
male
reader, olderthandirt  +, writes (30 September 2013):
 As well you should be...a facebook account? (how old is he 12?) porn on the phone will get the N.S.A. on his butt. Why are you still there?
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 September 2013): This is a deal breaker in my opinion and I don't believe there is anything you can do about it. You married a guy who is secretive and has no problems lying and hiding things from you. You married a guy who doesn't see you as enough and wants or needs more sexual variety than just one woman.These are not just one off behaviors that can be talked out and resolved. Simply telling him how hurt you feel by his actions will not make him stop. He will just get sneakier to hide it from you. These are character traits. People don't change their characters.I am sorry but you simply made a disastrous choice in picking this guy as a husband. I suggest that instead of trying in vain to change him (you can't, and your attempts will backfire or cause more conflict) you simply accept that you made a terrible mistake, and correct that mistake by terminating this marriage.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 September 2013): If you do not want this behavior going on in your marriage, then you need to be clear and upfront about it. If you let it go, this tells him that it's alright with you. You are married, and with a child now. This single man lifestyle he is carrying on and hiding is not acceptable and he either stops or he's gone. Time to grow up, be a real man who loves and respects his wife and focus on being a father and honorable and trustworthy husband, not interacting with other women on the internet.Approach this as a discussion and talk it through. Do not come at him angry or make him defensive. You explain, this is not what you want in your marriage and it's a deal breaker. Do not accept any excuses or "reasoning" for what he's doing. It's wrong. It's stops now. Period.He can't, won't or continues to hide it? Goodbye.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 September 2013): Does he know you know about his fake FB account? If not you should set him up with a trap. Create your own fake FB and flirt with him as a stranger, to see how far he will go. Suggest meeting up and if he does that's when you bust him.
If he does fall for that, I recommend you divorce him.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 September 2013): I agree with Sugarplum on this - you need a bit more 'evidence'. That will tell you a lot about why he is doing this. However... something inside me is asking whether 'why' is really relevant. He is hurting you and being deceitful. If I was in your situation I would have a plan behind you to leave him if things get really bad - perhaps do this while you are monitoring him. Otherwise I fear he will be the kind of person who just keeps coming up with excuses all the time and keep you in this state. If you catch him, tell him you don't like it and then he keeps doing it then it is actually abuse.
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A
female
reader, sugarplum786  +, writes (12 September 2013):
 Porn, seems acceptable, lesser of 2 evils, either another woman or just some strange woman pictures. The Facebook account, I would create a fake account, invite random people to look like its not a set up, invite him on face book, then ask him on a date. A word of caution, you may not like what you find out. So make sure you ready to take a decision and also you have protected your interest. Stop crying and take control. Your tears are wasted on a man that can hurt you so easily.
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A
male
reader, CMMP  +, writes (12 September 2013):
The hypocrite in me says that if I found out my wife was doing that I'd be pissed; but if she caught me doing it I'd tell her it was only curiosity.
I'm telling you this because it's probably not as bad as it feels. It doesn't reflect poorly on you at all. Obviously he's made a stupid choice, but I would definitely not go as far as calling it infidelity.
Regarding porn... I a hard one to fix and I don't have the energy for it... Suffice it to say that he also isn't watching porn because he doesn't desire you. It has NOTHING to do with that. So hopefully that helps too.
You need to have some serious talks with him, anger free, or he'll just get defensive.
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A
female
reader, llifton +, writes (12 September 2013):
 i've never been big on worrying about porn. but the hidden facebook account is definitely a huge red flag. is he actually still active on this facebook account? it's definitely unacceptable to have a facebook account you keep from your wife with all these women you keep in contact with behind her back. it's like keeping a little black book, in my opinion. it's completely dishonest.
i don't blame you at all for feeling how you feel. i'm so sorry, sweetie.
does he know you know?
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