A
male
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:Hi, looking for some advise. Ok where to start.. Well I have been married for 22 years, have five kids, I love my wife, she's a good person, but she has issues, she shouts a lot at the kids and is very moody, She is not a natural mum and the kids really play her up when I'm at work. I can live with that, we are hugely different individuals with enormously different interests. I regularly feel that I am very lonely and have no one to chat too, I thought perhaps it was me, but recently started a new job and found I could chat to my work mates for hours quite comfortably. My wife is super religious, she lives for the future - the 'paradise', this life to her is an endurance test toward that goal. Whilst I was a believer myslef, more recently I have started to seriously question the beliefs I held and she holds so dear and this is having a huge impact on our relationship, because I am questioning it to her I am not studying, or praying or being spiritual enough. If I quit the religion outright I just know she will blame me and resent me forever if the children follow suit which is quite likely as she doesnt present credible arguments to support her case and the kids are quite bright. I recently started a new job which pays well, but involves missing a few sunday services, I get continual grief about how I should quit the job and focus on a simpler more spiritual life - but its the first time in years our income exceeds our outgoings, I want to buy a house to combat the £700 a month rent I pay, but that too meets with at best reluctance and on times outright resentment at my 'materialistic' goals. All our friends and family are in the religion. I have tried and tried telling her how I feel, but it always reverts back to my 'fleshly' thinking and an encouragement to study, go to church and work on my spirituality to revitalise my faith. she also has had a crush on a guy a work for years and often goes to see him to chat to him to try and persuade him to join our religion as it will give him hope and purpose in life, this has gone on for 4 years despite my evident unhappiness with the situation.In addition because of our religion we never slept together till we were married, I had to fight enormous passion whilst we were courting. Since we were married I have found that sex is ok, but rarely brilliant, not what I thought it would be like. I struggle a lot with fantasies.I don't know what to do, If I leave her it would break my heart and destroy her for I know she really loves me. I would lose all my friends and family (i would be probably be shunned)I do love her enormously despite the negative picture I have probably portrayed of her. I feel somedays like I'm going crazy, and the urge to have an affair is becoming huge and the opportunity exists. Writing this down I think I'm one seriously screwed up, maybe selfish individual. All I want is a normal life.Help!
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, Wyeldfire  +, writes (11 October 2012):
 Howdy!
Ciar's advice about finding support online is right on the mark. Before I left my old religion, I had to build up support *somewhere*, as it wasn't going to come from my friends and family who were "in". Becoming part of an online community was a great way to find a place to vent, get advice and learn from the experience and encouragement of others. Those "worldly" people and "apostates" were far from the evil minions of the devil I was taught they were.
The idea of counseling is also a good one. It will only be useful under certain circumstances, however - you and your wife have to decide if you are willing to continue in your marriage despite your differences. If you want to work on taking your marriage to a new level, then counseling may work well. I'd highly advise you to see a professional, *not* one of the "elders" or "ministers" of her religion - likely, they have no professional training of any sort and would likely provide a biased view and additional pressure on you to conform.
If she will not join you in counseling, you can still go for yourself - figure out what you want out of your future and how to make that happen.
You may find the experiences listed here useful in the general principles they and ideas they provide:
http://www.freeminds.org/index.php?option=com_content&view=category&id=48&Itemid=365
A
female
reader, Ciar  +, writes (10 September 2012):
 This religion sounds a lot like the Watchtower Society, but I'm not sure. In any event my first piece of advice is to arm yourself with as much information (legal, religious etc) as possible before taking any action. And do it without others knowing about it. Speak to a lawyer and find out what your options are.
Next, search the internet for support groups made up of former members of you religion. They will know exactly what you're going through and may have some useful suggestions, and at the very least be a shoulder to lean on when you need it.
Prepare yourself mentally and adjust your attitude. Right now your wife is not inclined to negotiate with you because she has the upper hand. That upper hand is the knowledge that you want peace at all costs. While she on the other hand will sacrifice peace for the sake of what she wants. The more you care, the less she has to. The more reasonable you are, the more unreasonable she can afford to be. Make sense?
So far you have been unwilling to test the waters or if you have you surrender as soon as you encounter resistance. You must have faith. Things may get worse before they get better but they WILL get better. Just stay the course. Take the above precautions first, but when you are ready to start taking some tentative first steps, remember what I've just said here.
Do not waste time trying to convince everyone to understand and agree with you. The more talking you do the more you're likely to trip over your own tongue, be backed into a corner, and the more opportunities you give others to use your own words against you. If it means you sound like a broken record saying the same short sentence over and over so be it. They will give up eventually and try another tack. Use the same strategy when they do.
As you already know, your wife is not serving God. She is using God to serve herself and her own personal agenda. She is using religion to mask her own fears, to guilt and frighten others into doing what she wants, and she is using it to legitimize her pursuit of another man.
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A
male
reader, SensitiveBloke +, writes (10 September 2012):
 Which religion does she follow?
Everyone's entited to a bit of happiness and somehow you need to rebuild your relationship with you wife. Have you considered marriage counselling?
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