A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Last night our daughter Sarah who's 17 told us she had a confession to make.We asked what it was and were expecting it to be something really serious or drugs.As it is, me and my husband are not that hard on drugs since we're not really squeaky-clean ourselves in that area; we used to smoke cannabis and weed when we were in our 20's (I'm 45 now) in 1999 as Aussie expats in the Netherlands, so we can't really tell her not to.We never took any drugs that were really dangerous or illegal.But it did involve drugs, and not the sort we mentioned; she admitted she'd got an older friend, Jane (who we know, but we don't know, if you get what I mean, we know her casually) who's 19 and a Kiwi.We thought we knew our daughter's friends; she had few friends anyway, only a German expat girl who's 20 living here, a Canadian expat family who live here and their 16-year-old daughter Kate (not her real name) and Rachel, who's 16, and a South African who's been here for 8 years.She told us her friend Jane bought it from the dark web and from a doctor who sells it on there, the doctor's based in Canada, but sells to anyone anywhere in Bitcoin.The drugs were actually testosterone shots, or to give them their nickname, "T", which were for transmen, and while she doesn't consider herself a transman, she doesn't consider herself 100% female either, more like 75% female, 25% male some days or 60% female, 40% male.As parents, we've not banned her from taking drugs, knowing she'd probably do it anyway and it would be hypocrisy of us to tell her not to, we just banned her from smoking them inside our own house; we've tried to be good parents.I suppose you could call us loving but fair.Outside of the drugs, we're, in all other respects, not off-the-wall but not a dull family either, just in the middle.Sarah's never been the typical teenager who talked back to us, she was a fairly quiet girl and seemed happy with life, people always said how kind and respectful she was, and she's well-liked at her voluntary job with koalas she did, pre-pandemic.But the two big issues here are the illegal drugs and gender identity; and we don't know how to deal with it.Sarah's also told us she's "not a tomboy" and "still the girl who likes fashion and glitzy stuff", but has some elements "of my brain act male, and I can't control that bit of my psychology".Incidentally, she told us she's not going to wear men's clothes or act male, but she took this testosterone because she felt she had to.At the same time, she's going to become 18 in November, so she'll be a legal adult and can move out.But she can't move out financially due to finishing education and voluntary work at the koala vets (great work, but low pay, sadly; in this family, we've a long history of family members volunteering with koala care).We don't live in the outback, but a suburb near Brisbane.My biggest worry is about the changes to our daughter's body as a result of the testosterone.We have a good relationship with our daughter and she normally can and does tell us anything, so why the secrecy with this?I'm really worried and don't know what to do next, or what to do for the best.What should me and my husband do?Punishing her would probably be a non-starter and she's a legal adult in a few months, but we can't throw her out if she's got problems either, that'd not be a good thing.I really don't know what to do since gender identity issues and this sort of drug weren't something I expected to deal with.
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reader, anonymous, writes (30 September 2021): I suggest that you have your daughter taken to a doctor to be tested for any physiological-damage done by any toxic substances; and to have her checked for any possible psychological side-effects from those counterfeit drugs she purchased over the internet.
This is going to be long and passionate. It's not a tongue-lashing, it's a push in the right direction. I'm not judging you! You're in good company. Many parents have the same problem!
She could get brain-damage, have kidney-failure, liver-damage, or heart-failure from a bad drug-reaction! Just because they call a drug by a pharmaceutical name does not mean the ingredients or the chemical-composition in the drug is pure, has the properties of the real drug; or meets any medical-standard. Once upon a time, long-ago; they sold placebos and sugar pills! Now they sell poison!!! People are being sold animal tranquilizers, animal growth-hormones, synthetic narcotics, and concoctions of unknown chemicals. Substances that are sometimes difficult to identify, and unpredictable when ingested. Which could cause poisoning, or death! The damage could go undetected for months, even years. Emergency interns are forced to run time-consuming toxicology tests to identify what's in their patient; before they can administer a counter-agent. It could be anything, including something from beneath the kitchen sink! Who will you go after, when you have no idea where it came from?
You are her parents! You have authority, and legal-responsibility for her safety and welfare. You have moral-responsibility above and beyond all else! Come-off that guilt-trip about what you did when you were kids!!! We all experimented in high school or college. If we are alive now, it's because we were either guided by adult-supervision; or learned through trial and error in the school of hard-knocks. Some had to go through the justice or penal system. They still have the right to rule-over, be the boss of, or supervise the people they've created sexually, and bring into the world.
All people do wrong things; but you are her parents, responsible for her guidance and protection. If you used to steal, be criminals, or once killed someone; but you are now reformed. Do you not have the right to do everything humanly-possible to deter her from going down that same path? If you can't punish her, the law will!!! You've grown-up and you've changed. You don't let things slide; because it will get thrown in your face that you smoked pot, or you did "so and so" when you were her age! You've decided to have a kid. So who's supposed to raise her, what is she supposed to be taught?
Parents got rights! Even if they are adults living in your house! It's "do as I say, not as I do;" until they're fully supporting themselves financially, paying taxes, and can get thrown in jail, and charged as an adult! You can bail them out, or completely wash your hands of it! Someday they will be parents, and know what you're going through.
What goes-around, comes-around! Their kids may be worse; because they will be born to people who ignored and defied their parents, and rejected all positive role-models. Nobody to discipline them, or to set any example. Even wolves have order within the pack, and they live in the wild.
We have a generation of confused and suicidal-kids; because parents are too busy being their "buddies" and making their children their equals. Why? Then who is supposed to guide and teach them how to be productive good-citizens? They'll turn to the internet, cults, drugs, gangs, and predators; because nobody intervenes, or monitors what they're doing. Nobody vets the brats they're interacting with! Wanna see the tables turn? Get a divorce, and see how much they'll try to run your life!
They'll tell you whom you cannot date, or marry. They'll want a say where they'll live. They might even turn against either, or both of you; for breaking-up the family. Making life a living hell!
These kids are putting all sorts of junk into their bodies, having no idea what it is! Putting complete trust in their friends; who often give them drugs they aren't even taking themselves!!! They just want to see, or video, what happens!!! Ever watched TikTok and YouTube videos of kids high or drunk, or being bullied? While the other kids laughed, and just stood there with their phones; and did nothing to help them. Why do you think they're like that? Nobody wants to tell them when they're wrong; because they don't want to seem like "hypocrites." They won't listen anyway, or they're too mean and snotty to deal with! That's not even the case with your kid! She's a sweetie!
Do you meant to tell me, that you can't teach children not to bully, hurt others, or themselves...because they might do it anyway? There's something called preventive-measures, intervention, and good old-fashioned parenting! What kind of logic is it, to refrain to avoid their disdain? Look what she did! Does anybody really know what she has injected into her body! How long?
It's normal for teenagers to be experimental, confused, and even gender-fluid. These are phases of childhood-development. We need grown-ups to advise and discipline children; or they will hurt themselves...even you, if given the chance! They're still developing psychologically into their early 20's, they are immature and naive in their teens; and they're still physically growing until they're 22! They still need guidance and good role-models, even until they're 19. They can so easily go down the wrong path! All they need is a bad-influence as a guide. If you give-up as a parent too soon; the wrong influence will come-along and step-in. He or she, or some group, won't care about how old she is; or what will happen to her. Her so-called friends will run and hide; after they've talked her into hurting herself, or have recruited her into being a co-conspirator to hurt somebody else.
It's the tech age, and kids are left raising themselves. Treated as equals to educated fully-developed adults. You might say they're left up to their own devices. I mean that both figuratively and literally! If she likes being a girl, why did she go buy junk (she has no idea where it comes from, or what's in it) to change that? Teenagers don't think for themselves. They're connected to a single-mind like the "Borg on Star Trek." Part of a rebellious-collective, run by the entity "peer pressure." "Resistance is futile!"
She doesn't know any better; because she's being influenced and manipulated by everybody, but the two of you! She'll be 18 soon, and maybe she'll do whatever she wants. Well, guess what? The law doesn't see it that way! Oh, btw...if she destroys her body, who's going to take care of her?
First-off, get her to a doctor. Then get her to a therapist to discuss whatever social or psychological issues she's facing; so drastic she's buying trash on the dark web, and pumping it into her body. Having not a clue what's in it; while it could destroy her body or mind! When people are undergoing sexual-transitioning; doctors carefully administer their hormone treatments in calculated and scheduled dosages. They take health issues, weight, and drug side-effects into account. They'll monitor their patients for negative drug-reactions, or medical-complications. They have to adjust dosages of the hormones. They can be expensive, and you have to be able to afford them. They may not be covered under your health plan.
Follow and trust your parental-instincts, and decide what to do. Stop trying to be the cool parents; and be overly-concerned parents; and save your daughter from her poor decisions! It's better to have failed trying; then facing the possible consequences for not trying at all. Who says she can't be punished? Who pays her bills?
If you don't know what to do to guide, discipline, or protect her. Who does she turn to??? The only thing holding you back, is being afraid to be thought to be hypocrites? Every adult was once a teenager; and we all made some poor decisions. You will always make mistakes. You don't stop being her mother and father to avoid criticism. Imagine what people would think if you could have intervened, but you didn't? The outside-world was not as accessible to kids, as it is now! The bad-people can sneak into your home to get to your kids through their digital devices; even when doors and windows are securely locked!
Well, if you'll save her life; at the risk of pissing her off, or being uncool. I'd say it's well worth the effort!
She needs to understand that we can't just change our gender on a whim. There's a methodical medical and scientific-process. It's not a DIY project you do at home in your spare time!!! Transgender people must undergo pre-transitional psychological-evaluation; before you the are given hormones or undergo gender-reassignment surgery. There are no shortcuts, or recreational sex-changes you make over the weekend. Taking fake or counterfeit-hormones can affect her periods and fertility. She lacks the judgment at her age to consider the larger picture, or foresee the future consequences. You have to warn her! Use your past-experience with drugs to your advantage; not as something you're ashamed of, or you and your husband are embarrassed by. That's why the most effective rehabilitation counselors are clean and reformed-addicts, who've become drug-counselors. They can teach and save others from a perspective of honesty, empathy, and experience.
Not all teenagers who think they're gay, behave gender-fluid, or feel confused; are absolutely certain about their decisions (or actions) regarding sexual-orientation or gender-identity. They are inundated with too much information at too young of an age. Influenced by crazy over-privileged and entitled rich-kids; or deranged-celebrities and internet influencers. Teens and kids only need guidance, patience, love, someone to answer their questions, and some understanding. They need protection, discipline, given responsibility, held accountable for their actions; and we should all realize that they don't always know what they want. Adults don't know, how can they??? They are influenced by an army of self-made influencers over the internet; many of whom commit suicide. They are under relentless peer-pressure. They see far too many crazy ads on TV and the internet. Our job as adults, and role models; are to help them navigate through the confusion. When you run out of ideas; seek the help of professionals, when you don't know what you're doing. Be as preachy and self-righteous as you wish! She's living in your house, until she moves-out on her own. She listens to her friends. Why not listen to either of you?
A
female
reader, RubyBirtle  +, writes (30 September 2021):
Find your daughter a therapist that specialises in gender issues.
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