A
male
age
41-50,
*ravelingman
writes:It seems to get harder and harder. my wife and I have been through alot a couple seperation a near divorce(10 days away from siging). when my kids were very little 2 and 6 months. I went back to school full time and worked full time and was only ever home on the weekends. which lead to her thinking i didnt care or have intrest in her. she became good friends with a coworker. she says nothing ever happened even though i found a few questionable texts between them. after a year of trade school i was done and with in 6 months i found work in my field out of state. within that 6 months she went and saw a lawyer about divorce but didnt file. I tried and begged and pleaded for her to move with me. she would not, so i went out of state to work. within a month i asked her to move to where i was again. she wouldnt and said we wouldnt work anymore. with this i was crushed and found support in someone that i ended up sleeping with. the women i slept with found out i was still married and told my wife everything. wife was pissed(was ecxpected) but she had told me we were over and wasnt going to work. a week later she filed for Divorce. everthing was worked out for the D and 10 days before we singed she said she couldnt do it and wanted to work it out. in this i found out the Coworker she became friends with she was dating. and found out only about 6 months after i moved back that the 3 months between us saysing we would work it out and i moved back she was still seeing him till 2 weeks before i came back. I looked for a job back home and was lucky to find one. though it was travel and was gone for 2 weeks at a time. it was better then only being home every 3-4 months. but it seems things never got worked out from the past or the present.we have been back together for 1.5 years now. we fight all the time sometimes vaild sometimes about really small stuff. I have lied about a credit card bill that was $300 and told her that a Dr. was going to bill me, when i just chrged out of a differnt account(she was stressing about money and i didnt want her to worry about it and the other acoount i knew had enough to cover it, she found out a few days later and was pissed).she blames all the past problems on me. and how i didnt give her a push present after she had our 2 kids and how i didnt get her a better engagement ring. and she deservse it and if i really cared then i would. we fight about stupid stuff and when she gets even a lil upset she starts yelling and i feel attacked and get upset back. i try to walk away from the fights but then she gets upset about that. I just try to avoid conflict at all points in my life. I am not happy with my realtionship anymore. I want us to be happy but she likes to blame me for the past and holds it over my head. she keeps wanting a New wedding ring. i have said when we work out our issues and i feel we are in a good place we can. but we never get there and keeps saying i should have gotten her one when i moved back. and she wanted to throw it in her ex bf face. and i should have beat him up. I want to know that we are stable and we are not gonna fail before i throw down $$ for a new ring. she wont go to counseling with me casue the one time we did she felt that cause i what i said that the counsler and i beat her up and found fault with her(she went to go visit a "friend" out of sate and ended up sleeping with him during her time there). I havent been to counsler before that point but she has been in and out of therpy since she was 6(bad childhood)and says she wont go. I dont know how to fix this. I love her to death but im at the point where i only am with her because i dont want to leave my kids like i had to do when i worked out of state. i feel like the glue that holds us together at this point is the kids. Im just so lost, frustrated, and confused! What do I do????
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 November 2012): You need to grow a back bone and finally get the divorce. Do it for your kids. You're exposing them to a very toxic home environment right now, and all for your own benefit because you dont' want to move on and be brave enough to face reality. if you stay married you're going to mess up your kids' ideas of what marriage means and they will grow up and get into marriages just like yours, because YOU have conditioned them to think this is normal and there's nothing better to aspire to.
A
female
reader, Staceily +, writes (31 October 2012):
 I don't think there is any fixing this because she won't admit fault for anything and because you both can't move on from the past. At least you are willing to try, seeing a counselor, but since the counselor made her "look bad" she won't go back. Rather than see that she does have issues and face them and work on them, she ignores them and puts all blame on you. She is a very selfish woman. It is shown in every action you mention, not wanting to move when you had a job out of state- instead she said you won't make it. That isn't a caring devoted wife. She doesn't care about both of you and your relationship, she cares about herself and that's it. She cares about a new ring. What the hell does that have to do with anything...? So she can throw it in an ex's face? Why is she worried about proving anything to the ex anymore...?
You say the children are all that is holding you together but them growing up with such dysfunctional parents as role models for relationships will really mess them up. They will find it normal to cheat and fight constantly. You don't want them to grow up this way... Trust me. I mean look at your wife, she is the way she is from a messed up childhood. Do you want your daughter or son to end up like this? Unbearable and unable to admit fault in anything they do? Selfish? The children are actually the reason you should get out, not the reason you should stay. If all you were doing was hurting yourself by staying and fighting constantly then fine have a good time with that, but you need to be role models for your children now.
I'm sorry but the fact is your wife doesn't want to fix anything. I'd say go to a marriage counselor but you have. I'd say talk to her openly but she only cares about the past and getting a new ring. Even though you both fucked up in the past she doesn't seem to want to both admit faults apologize and move forward the best she can. She is too focused on herself and shallow pointless things. So move on from her. You aren't happy and your marriage is not benefitting anyone. If she were willing to make an effort I'd say to keep trying even though I think it's too far gone, but she isn't willing. Getting a divorce doesn't mean you won't see your children either. Work out a schedule that works for both of you with a lawyer and you will still see your kids. Neither of you are perfect and you both made mistakes. To fix the marriage would take a lot of hard work and yes extra help from a counselor because you don't do it alone. Too bad she is too stubborn and doesn't care enough to do that.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (30 October 2012): I don't understand the need for a new weddin and engagement ring. My hubby and I are raisin 3 kids and I've needed my hair done for donkeys, but I haven't as I keep gettin stuff for our kids. They come first not any jewellery etc. She being extremely selfishI think you need to either sit down calmly or write her a letter, tell her you love her, need her and want her in your life and for the sake of the kids, you two must stop rowing as what damage is it doing to them. Her and you..
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