A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I have been hesitating in asking, but ended up asking anyway since I want to know as much opinions as possible concerning this.I grew up in a loving family. I never had any abuse of any sort. Currently in a loving relationship with a man.I need opinion on this: I do not plan to marry or have children. I am 25 now, and I've been having this opinion since 10 years ago and still going strong. I am even thinking of doing Essure one day once I have the money. I am terribly scared of sex because I don't want to get pregnant. I am even thinking of breaking up with my bf because of this. After all, relationship without sex or future plans is really unrealistic, right? I am so sick to the bone thinking if one day accidentally I get pregnant even with all the protection I use for sex.I cringe on the thought of raising a kid. If I do have kid,I won't be a good mother and why would I gamble with my kid's life? Not knowing what life will bring to him/her? I hate the fact that most of the time relationships (not even necessarily marriage) ended up as a habit instead of the love. Marriage to me is one happy day, then after that it's all downhill. Mind you,being loved and loving is nice, but I don't mind being alone. So, what do you guys think? Am I being shallow? Am I just being inexperienced such that I view things from negative things? Am I being realistic instead? Should I stop the love?
View related questions:
money Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (4 May 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHellow, I am posting a reply because I want more opinion on my question *blush*. Thank you :]
A
reader, anonymous, writes (12 April 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionRe: A male reader, anonymous, writes (12 April 2009)Thank you :]. I have developed a life principal for myself; for every thing I do, there will be consequences, be it good, bad or both. Same thing with marriage I suppose. You're right,marriage is a big thing. It takes both sides to make it work. And if I don't want the consequences, it's really up to me as to not be involved in it. As for sex, yeah, I am on BCP, but still, waiting for my 'friend' can be the most anxious waiting I have to do every month. All in all, thx buddy!
...............................
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (12 April 2009): I waited until I was about 27 to get married. Now have 2 kids. And am relatively happy. Life isn't easy. Sharing it with someone can be great, particularly as you get older, but not for everyone. Don't ever get married because you feel you should, but rather, after weighing pros and cons (and there are both), you decide you want to get married (BTW, no one is perfect). And as far as sex goes, take the pill. Sex is a great gift from mother nature. I'm a guy, so I can't even imagine that being on the table:) It's your life.... make decisions that will make you happy... but don't avoid good things in life because your just afraid... experience, and live life, on your terms.
...............................
A
female
reader, Emilysanswers  +, writes (10 April 2009):
Well I haven't tried it myself so I can't advise but it's used really widely and although there can be complications with it, you can always give it a try and if you don't like it you can always have it taken out.
Worth a try anyway.
Are there no free family planning places in your area?
I'm not sure how it all works in America but try google and do some research. Knowledge is power!
Good Luck!! xx
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (10 April 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionRe: Izi
Thankyou Izi, you're a very warm and kind-heart person :].
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 April 2009): You are more than welcome for my opinion (female 10th April-I'm Izi btw) and I think that you have outlined valid reasons. Bless you for feeling like a black sheep! It must be tough.
Everything you said was perfectly jusified and you made me laugh with not being able to keep a plant alive! Neither can I and I want to be a primary school teacher!
Personally, I think it is more special not to be married because it means you are with that person for the reason you want to be not because you have to be-so i agree with your view on commitment, my aunt and uncle are a perfect example and also my nan didn't get married until like 24 years! Haha, I hope this is not what is going to become of me! Lol!
I wish you all the luck in the world and hope you have a wonderful life and fall in love. I agree that love is not enough-you need a hell of a lot more things to make it work-but keep trying and soon you will be able to 'find' yourself in life and it'll all come into place.
ALso, final point as you're probs getting bored-things happen for a reason-so if the unimaginable happens and you do fall pregnant, really think on it-it could be a sign, but if you use protection then you won't, yes there is a small chance but there is probably a higher chance of you dying today with all the dangers in the world! Lol.
Much love izi
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (10 April 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionRe: Emilysanswers
Superb! Well, despite the money and health insurance that I don't have now, I'm still interested in what you had said. I researched before that sometimes there's painful side effects from coil?
...............................
A
female
reader, Emilysanswers +, writes (10 April 2009):
I'm 25 and a bit like you.
I'm married and love having sex but have absolutely NO interest in having kids.
You can find a man who wants to be with you without the wedding and the kids. As long as you are honest with your boyfriend then it's his choice if he wants to stick around, or find a girl to marry and have a million smelly babies with.
I suggest you go and get the coil fitted AND the implant or the injection (but test your self on the pill first as some people have side effects on those types of hormones) then you will be SUPER protected and can relax about sex.
Good Luck!! xx
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (10 April 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionRe: A female reader, anonymous, writes (10 April 2009)
First of all, thank you :]. I am not sure about what love is.Right now what I feel is worrying about my bf, or missing him, and trying to help him or make this relation work in a way. Most of the time love is not enough for me.It completes you, but won't stand on its own. I am an incomplete person,tho coming from a loving family.Most of the reason probably roots on the fact that I'm in a foreign country,don't have a decent income and not yet settled(financial-wise and status/citizenship-wise).I always feel like the blacksheep of the family because of this.But I think you're right,I shouldn't stop the love just because of the reason.I should just take it day by day.I still don't want children, or marriage. And yes, I'm afraid of commitment. As for being a mother,it's not that I convinced myself I will be a bad mother,as a matter of a fact I'll be a decent one, but I just don't want to be one.I don't care that much. I can barely keep a plant alive for more than a month. I don't wish to have a pet either because it's, well, commitment, hahaha. All in all, thank you for your opinion :]
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (10 April 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionRe: whitemoor5
Yes, some people look at me with "that look" everytime I mention this, even my closest friends. But just like you said, I am not hurting anybody, and it's my life, so, I will live it the way I want to :] Merci!
Re: Old Guy
Thank you for your first sentence. That means a lot to me. If only more people understand that. And yes, I believe my life lies in a different direction. I have yet to find what I want to do with my life (still doing crappy jobs and may get kicked out of this country if I don't get a professional job), but one thing I'm sure is the marriage and children issue. Yes,many people wonder about this opinion of mine.I used to be so bad with intimacy,and most thought I was raped or something. No such thing had ever happened.I am not actually afraid of sex, I do it, but the post thinking always makes me want to throw up, because of the 0.01% chance of me getting pregnant.I always think there's always abortion, but then again that's just a product of what I could've prevented=sex.Besides, I don't have health insurance, so money will be the problem here.That's why I am thinking of stopping the love. I guess I am indifferent, bitter and twisted in a way. But all in all thank you for your reply :]
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 April 2009): You are prefectly entitled to choose what you want from life.
But you do not know that you will not be a good mother-I'm not trying to convince you here, but you seem to be in a mindset saying that because you think you will be an awful mother, then you will be. This is not the case.
I sense you are afraid of commitment and you lack trust. I don't think you believe in yourself enough, it's like you're convincing yourself of these feelings-like being in love. You cleary have never been in love(that's what I'm sensing) so you have quite a cynical approach to commitment and love, why do you think that is? I think you do not trust yourself to fall in love incase that progresses to sex and children-which you have a fear of.
Don't do anything drastic to prevent yourself from having children because you still are young and maybe when and if you fall in love and become broody you will want nothing but having children.
I believe you can be happy without getting married or having kids, my aunty has been with her boyfriend for 18 years with no kids and they're happily in love with dogs for babies!
If you keep worrying that you will fall pregnant, then you will-it's always the way. Don't stop your relationships because you're afraid of having children, focus on the love aspect, then you may change your mind about kids-but there is no need, but you musn't stop having relationships because of your fear-you will regret it in the long run.
Live your life how you want and enjoy it, but be optimistic and look on the bright side, not always the negatives.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (10 April 2009): I think the world would be a better place if people who were certain they didn't want to be parents and didn't have the skills to be parents chose to not have children. There's no law that you have to get married and have kids. If you think your path lies in a different direction, then by all means, take it!
I have to say, though, that something in your question just doesn't seem to hang together. You grew up in a loving home, you're in a loving relationship, and you want to chuck all that because you're afraid of sex? Are you sure there aren't any issues that you need to address? It's not about whether to have kids or not, but rather if there's something buried that might affect your ability to be happy in the future.
Just my two cents.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (10 April 2009): There's nothing wrong with being unmarried or having children.I'm that way, but not by choice - I can make friends with people easily, but relationships are harder to form.You've got a fairly realistic outlook on marriage and children, which is a good thing. OK, so some people may be negative about your opinion, but that's fine, we're all entitled to our opinions.It's your life, do what you want to do, as long as it's legal, safe and not hurting anybody.Take this from an agony uncle. (also your age too!)
...............................
|
