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Frank B Kermit
writes:Open RelationshipsDo Not Always Stave Off InfidelityBy Frank Kermit, RelationshipsSome people believe that one of the surest ways to guarantee fidelity is to only do open relationships. The premise is that people only cheat in monogamous relationships. Some advocates of open relationships may even claim that the monogamous relationship structure forces couples that would otherwise be happier in open relationships to lie and be unfaithful. This is also based on the premise that having sex with someone that is not your primary partner is not considered cheating if your primary partner knows about it, and consents to it. I personally concur that consent of extra-marital sex negates the concept of cheating. However, just being in open relationships does not automatically eliminate the cheating ways of a person that cheats for reasons other than dissatisfaction with monogamy.There are some people that would do better in some kind of non-monogamous relationship structure than in a monogamous one. Those people simply feel more emotionally balanced in open relationships. Trying to force themselves into monogamous relationship structures to either appease society, or even in an honest attempt to try and make their partners happy, just pushes their issues underground. Eventually those issues surface and can possibly result in self-sabotaging actions (which includes infidelity) to attack their original relationship. Others in that situation may justify their infidelity because in their opinions, it is the only way for them to support the illusion of monogamy that they feel is expected of them to maintain. For these kinds of people, open relationships can in fact be an opportunity for them to have very honest relationships without ever feeling the pulse of committing an act of shameful infidelity.Now for the surprise…for people who cheat because of the thrill they get from cheating, not even being in an open relationship will quench this behavior pattern. Whereas people who thrive in open relationships do so as a means to maintain their emotional balance in an honest manner, people who cheat while in open relationships are acting out of some desire to experience the rush that some may find when they experience doing something “forbidden”. Just like a drug, the emotional range, release, and pleasure highs that can accompany an illicit affair can be addictive and cause a person to behave like an addict. At this point, cheating stops being a form of “fun” under the banner of self-entitlement, and turns into a means of escapism. Once this line is crossed, it does not matter what the intent of having an open relationship structure originally was. At this new junction point, the infidelity has nothing to do with that person’s partner, a sense of entitlement, or the kind of open relationship rules the couple originally concocted. The infidelity will continue to exist as a means of furthering the new addictions own existence.People that cheat regardless of already having the opportunity to have sex with others outside their primary pair bonding relationship generally do so as a means of escapism. So whether you practice monogamy, some form of non-monogamous relationship structure, polyamory, or even in a committed fetish alternative relationship, people who cheat because they are addicted to the perceived thrill of cheating do so for their own reasons, and not because of the relationship structure they are in; and changing relationship structures with this kind of addict will not help.Frank Kermit is a relationship coach, best selling author and educator, columnist for The West End Times Newspaper and also appears regularly on 800 AM CJAD’s Passion radio program.
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reader, janniepeg +, writes (17 March 2012):
 I look at polyfidelity itself as an escape from monogamy lifestyle. The kind of person you are talking about is the one who would rebel against any kind of model and rules. That person should not be in any relationships at all. It sounds like the only reason he/she wants to be in some kind of relationship is that he likes the thrill of breaking away from the relationship. Doesn't make any sense.
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