A
male
age
51-59,
*Manonymous
writes:I’ve been married 14 years and have a 10 year old son. We have been poly for about 9 years of that time and this has been with various people for both of us. There is one person I have been involved with for almost 7 years of that time. About two months ago her husband passed away. For a short time just before his death we had not been speaking, but have recently grown close again. My girlfriend moved in with some friends that had been close to my wife and is developing a relationship with them and my wife has taken this very hard as these friends used to be her balance to the relationship I was having with this girl. My wife and I have had financial difficulty for many years as well as other problems but we have worked around them but not often resolving them, more like reaching an agreement to disagree and just trying to make it work the best we could. I am in love with this other woman I have had a relationship with and we are very close. It is a physical relationship and I think of her as my best friend. She wants to remain single but is open to a very close relationship and I have never been single in my life except for a short time just after highschool, but we are talking about mere weeks. This is my second marriage and I don’t plan on being married again. I have two children and will not be having anymore. My wife does not want to divorce although we argue bitterly all the time. She has supported my relationship with this other woman for 7 years but now she is not wanting to do this and there is great jealousy. I at times have offered monogamy to work out our issues, but this has always been rejected. I do love here but I don’t see an end to the arguments or financial difficulty. I don’t want to give up my relationship with the other woman, although the relationship with the other woman would not be an exclusive monogamous one. I also have concern for my son and want to continue being a father to him. I want him in my life and would share in that as much as possible. Should I stay with my wife, move into a single situation and share in raising my son while dating this other woman? Or? Please lend some insight if you have any.
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female
reader, lexilou  +, writes (8 July 2008):
 I think its time you entered the real world!!
This is why open marriages never really work, you are free to love another and end up wanting her more than your wife.
What message are you sending your son. Do you want him to grow up poly too? Because he will probably have problems committing to one female his whole adult life. We learn so much from our parents.
You cant have your cake and eat it. I dont really know what you are looking for. Approval? You are unlikely to get that here
A
male
reader, ChiRaven +, writes (7 July 2008):
 Your wife is getting hit by jealousy from two directions ... not only is she developing a problem with you and your lover, but all of a sudden HER outside love interest seems to be straying as well, and getting involved with the woman you are seeing. That must be hard for her to swallow.
I'd recommend a relationship counselor, but finding one who is capable of dealing with a complex poly relationship like this is going to be tough. If you're willing to try it you might try
http://www.ncsfreedom.org/index.php?option=com_keyword&id=270
and search for a listing of a suitable "kink aware professional" counselor near you. Naturally, it will be easier if you live in or near a major metropolitan area.
I personally believe that you should do whatever you can to salvage your marriage. Work things out if there's any way to do that. There may be a few people who will try to blame your marriage problems on your poly life style. Don't listen to them. Monogamous people have such problems just as often as poly's do. But the thing that usually distinguishes poly people is their greater than average willingness to TALK to their partner, at a really sincere level. Use that. Reconnect with your wife and try to work things out. And get all the help you can.
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A
female
reader, °Ale°  +, writes (7 July 2008):
 Huh?
.. You really are getting the best of two worlds here, buddy. I think its obvious you need to sit down and think very VERY hard on which direction you want to go before you ruin the people that are in your life. Most importantly your son's, so think think until you get it!
But if I were your wife, I would have let you go a longgg time ago.
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