A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:HiI have given birth to 3 sons in 22 years. 2 died at birth and my living son is just 17 and has met someone from the internet 'A 21yr old man!' he did not tell me what was going on just that he was moving out. Neither lads work and sponge from the 21yr olds mother who obviously has allowed and encouraged this relationship and took my son in. I was in denial for a long time and try to speak with my son on the phone as he has moved a 3hour drive away and besides, I am not 'allowed' to visit them! The mother came to my house to collect my sons belongings - cleared his room (first time I have been able to say my son's room is now the tidiest in the house lol) She told me she is now his surrogate mother and that my son has brought (pardon the pun) her son out of himself as he never had friends before he met my son online and has ADHD. I was just naive and wanted to believe the relationship was based on friendship.My son has asked to be my 'friend' on facebook and I have read his page that states he is 'in a relationship' with this 21yr old....I could not bring myself to read on...(yes if it were another mum telling me this story I would tell her to read more and get to know who her son is) I noticed my ex his dad is his friend as are his half siblings who I have nothing to do with and his dad's family are his friends.I am so disappointed as he tells me having children 'aint gonna happen' I have read up about mothers' son's being gay and not coming to terms with it....I cannot at the moment accept who is is regardless of my giving birth to him with unconditional love.I cry on the phone to him telling him I miss him and love him very much.I am in shock
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female
reader, So_Very_Confused  +, writes (11 August 2011):
 your son is trying hard to keep a relationship with you. accept him as best you can where he is and learn to grow and love him.
My brother is gay. He told me when he was 13 and I was 16. He told our mother when he was about 17... we kept this secret from my dad for many years because my dad could not deal with it.
Finally my dad was told... it was hard for him... and he was very sad... but he learned to love my brother for who he is. My brother has been with his now husband for over 10 years and has had a more stable love life with his husband than I have had with my tumultuous heterosexual life. My father has learned to love his son-in-law, the man who loves and cares for his only male child. WE have no control over who we love or what feels normal and right for us... it's how we are made.
As parents all we want is for our children to be safe and healthy and happy. I have one child who is emotionally disabled and i have to love him as he is... I have another son who at 25 shows no signs of ever wanting children (he's told me he does not want to be a parent) I MOURN the loss of grandchildren that I want but I want my children to be happy and healthy more than I need to feed my soul....
Do you CHOOSE to be heterosexual? Your son does not CHOOSE to be homosexual he is what he is... LOVE him to the best of your ability.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (8 August 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionMy son is now 18 and still living with his 'partner' and the 'mother'.I had the chance to get up to the city and visit him New Year. I got the chance to see where he lives (it was like being in his messy bedroom at home lol) I had a chat with the mother and she said that I can visit whenever I like.My son has since been to visit me for his and my birthday although he did not want to stay at mine - he stayed with a female friend of his (at my birthday party, everybody thought they were a couple as they are so close lol)I still do not like who he 'chooses' to be but he is an adult and is making his own way in his own life.Just thought I would update....
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reader, anonymous, writes (10 October 2010): I'm glad you are both moving in the right direction. One step at a time and, you will get there.
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reader, anonymous, writes (10 October 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI spoke with my son this evening...he asked if I had read his page. I said I have. He said so you 'know' now. I said I am not comfortable with it but he is my son and I love him. He said that is what his dad had said to him.
It is all surreal at the moment but now he knows I know...
Thanks for your replies x
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A
female
reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (8 October 2010):
 Like most things in life, all this will get easier for you with time. You'll get through it and get your smile back.
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (7 October 2010):
 I'm happy to hear he phoned you and you had a chance to talk. Keep talking, it sounds like you have been trying to call him and got discouraged, no wonder you did if he never answers. Project your love for him as best you can and he'll know that you do. You can build from there, I hope.
Best wishes. Keep us posted if you can, I'd like to know that things work out for you.
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reader, anonymous, writes (7 October 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHi and thanks for your replies
My son phoned me this evening...he never phones me??? He wanted to know why I had not called him for a few days. He hardly answers and when he does I cry that I miss him-I usually call every day so he sees my missed calls and has missed my calling him it would seem.
I am trying my best to accept the life he lives and would not turn my back on him. I have read his facebook and it would seem he has had another relationship that I did not know about.
Ok well thanks again for your replies
x
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A
female
reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (6 October 2010):
I don't like my one daughter's husband very much, my other daughter is a lousy housekeeper, and I think my son drinks too much. At the end of the day, I'm just glad they are healthy, and geniunely nice people. It's all a mother can truly expect and hope for. Don't shut him out.
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (6 October 2010):
Vintage has been in your shoes and has weathered the storm, I think she speaks so wisely here. I don't have much to add, other than a resource that might help you cope with this: http://www.fflag.org.uk/ It's a support group for familes and friends of lesbians and gays. I don't know anything about it, but there is a similar group in the US called PFLAG (parents and friends of...) and I know they are a huge support to people coming to terms with the news that a son or daughter has a different sexual orientation. I would recommend that you reach out to parents who have gone through this experience and have come out with strong, loving families, intact families.
Good luck to you.
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reader, anonymous, writes (6 October 2010): **.I cannot at the moment accept who is is regardless of my giving birth to him with unconditional love.**
Unless you accept him for who is you may well loose him. I know it can be a shock, but he’s gay, not a bad person. He has asked you to be a friend on fb, I hope you have accepted, he is reaching out to you. He is already going towards your ex and his family, in his mind you are rejecting him. Think of how much you love him, he’s not doing this to hurt you, this is not a choice he has made. Read his fb page and get to know who is as you put it.
I know at the moment you are not allowed to visit but I am sure if you accept him and his boyfriend then I am you will be able to.
I am sure you are sitting there thinking it's ok for you to talk, you don't understand... but I do understand my son is gay.
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A
female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (6 October 2010):
 Ok yes i guess it must be quite a shock to find out that your son is gay, but if this is who he is then you must love him for it, just remember that he cant help who he falls in love with be it a man or a woman, if he finds men attractive then there is nothing that can be done, and at least you can be thankful that he is still alive and well. But he shouldnt have just up and left you like this, it doesnt seem fair on you. and you should have the right to go and visit him at the end of the day you give birth to him you are his mother, and this man's mother has no right to tell you she is your sons surrogate mother, that is just not on. Ask you son to come and visit you explain to him that you miss being his mother and that you miss him terribly let him know that you are there for him if he needs to talk and that it will take a while for you to get used to who he is but that you will still love him and be there for him, ask him if you can visit him now and again and vice versa and try and get that close bond back with him. Good Luck.
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