A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:So here it goes:I ended up hurting this guy (by lying to him online about my identity, etc)....and in turn, I felt awful (just awful) and I wanted to make things right. However, what I did was virtual, it was just online. I finally confessed to him and we met, and started dating. i know he didnt completely forgave me, and assumed from our sexy chats that I was a slut. Which is not the case. I was a virgin and so was he.He basically started acting all sweet to me on our dates, and when I told him I wanted to go slow (I wouldnt have sex with him), he completely got mad and decided we should be casual (started telling me he didnt want to hurt me). This was after I told him I thought he was amazing. Because I liked him and I felt sorry for him, I said yes. I then felt angry and depress because I gave him so much of me for him to discount me entirely. He even started getting back onto his dating profile. The thing is, no one understand this guy like I do.He was a virgin, has never had a real relationship, or a BJ, or sexual attention. Hes nerdy, hes a successful engineer, and hes 27. Hes flawed, but so am I.Basically after that date, I got scared that I would lose him so I finally gave in and we had sex. We were both virgins and lost it to each other. I never told him I was a virgin, but I thought maybe he would take the hint. I bled so much our first time, that he freaked out and asked me if he had hurted me and I just looked at him real sad and kissed him and said No. I was sweet to him. But hes so stupid, he started sleeping with me and we went on a couple more dates where I felt like he was treating me like a slut only. After the sex, I would feel empty and I would feel like crying every time. It was like, we were physical, but emotionally we were oceans apart.Basically because of what I did online, I felt bad and had to set things right. I felt obligated to sleep with him and that was my ultimate sign of love: giving my body to him. I dont know, as you can see, sex is a big deal to me. Ive never been with anyone before and he was my first too and the fact that he treated me like that made me so sad and angry. I became the YES girl, and he started taking me for granted. He assumed from my lying online that I was a bad girl, but you see, Im not at all. Im a really good person. I shouldnt have to beg him to see that.Anyways, he soon got sick and he went to the doc and found out it was Mono. Anyways, we both kind of figured that I was the one that passed it to him. I felt bad again and told him I was sorry. I was genuinely concerned for him because I still have feelings for him. We were only texting each other now, and finally through text I told him I was a virgin til I met him. He then texted me and said "So Im your first? Oh god, I want to kiss you so bad right now." I didnt know what he meant really, but I think a light bulb went off in his head. I think he realized he was wrong about me all along.Anyways, cut to right now...we havent seen each other in weeks. Im still sad/angry over how he treated me. I dont know if I could forgive him. I mean....I was just a sweet virgin girl. I never meant to hurt anyone,especially him. After he found out I was a virgin and that he was my first, he started texting me more (he never texted me before, he would only meet me on the weekend) and his text got sweeter. I started avoiding him to finally clear my head...but now I think he realizes that he was wrong about me.I guess he sees that Im good now? I dont know what to make of this though, Im still so hurt. But I do care for him deeply, and I know that he knows that I gave him love by sleeping with him. I also dont let him on that I know he was probably just using me at first. Now it seems like after he knew I was a virgin, hes trying to prove himself to me that hes....I dont know...caring too?Anyyways, what do I do? Should I forgive him and finally meet him again? I do care for him and overall, he is a good guy. My dates with him were always so planned and though-out and even though hes very thrifty, he did spent money on me. He took me on some really nice dates and during sex, he always did try to make sure I finish before he did. So he is sweet...but I dont know...What should I do? Forgive him and love again?
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (25 October 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWell, actually after our first time together (sex), he contacted me immediately that he wanted to take me out to a play.I said yes and when we went, he introduced me to his friend as his 'girlfriend.' We went on a few more dates after that where we had sex...and he called me his girlfriend. I guess in his head and between us, sex made it official. We were boyfriend/girlfriend I guess. Anyways, I did tell him I was a virgin and he was my first. Its been weeks since Ive seen him. We did other things besides sex, and he texts me :Miss you. Does he miss me? Or just the sex? I dont know. I am at a loss. I am tired of analyzing the situation or psycho-analyzing him. It doesnt help me. To be clear, it wasnt always about the sex. Weve gone on official dates, movies, dinners, improv shows, etc....sex is just a bonding way. I guess Im hurt that I put myself in a position where I kept quiet about my virginity and he took it without care cause he thought I had done it before. I just wish he had been more sensitive to me about it, but he wasnt. It didnt help that I lied online too. I am at fault too.We both messed up. We're both misunderstood each other. I just wish he sees the big picture and hopefully he has. A part of me knows he know what he did was wrong and a part of me thinks he wants to see me again and make it 'right.' Hes a nerd, yea that doesnt mean shit, but overall, in general I guess, he is a good guy. I guess what Im asking is, Can we both move forward together? I still care for him even though I am indecisive right now.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (23 October 2012): Okay, please never go back to this guy! He's using you for sex... him "letting you get off first" is just a rub of his ego. He doesn't care about you enough to respect you. He got mad when you "wanted to go slow", and started using his dating profile again. These are all obvious signs of who you should NOT establish a relationship with. He didn't know you were a virgin because he's inexperienced. You should have probably said something to begin with, especially if he was open to you about being a virgin. Just because you messed up and hooked up with this guy doesn't mean you need to try and make a relationship out of it. There are way better guys, believe me. Good luck.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (22 October 2012): You might think sex equates love for men, it doesn't. It was nothing more than sex to him - virgin or not, it doesn't matter I'm not sure what type of issues you have from your past, but your letter is very telling, you put yourself in a very submissive role when it comes to men. You keep quiet and take mistreatment. I think you need to forget about him and head to counseling first.
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A
female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (22 October 2012):
 If I am honest with you this is a very dangerous road you are going down and you need to think carefully about it. It was clear he just wanted something casual with you and that he used you for sex. I am sorry for being so blunt but I think that you no that deep down. He just saw you as someone who he could have fun with and he never looked at you as a potential girlfriend. Yes you gave your love to him through sex which really was the worst thing you could have done but now you need to try and over come that. I feel that now he knows that you where a virgin he feels bad for the way that he treated you so he is now trying to show you a sweeter side. However there are still red flag warning signs here as it could just be to make you feel better about yourself and not that he actually wants to be in a relationship with you. I think you need to be open and honest with him and ask him what exactly it is he wants from you, so that you are both clear about how each of you feels. Good luck.
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