A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:So recently I told my boyfriend a white lie, take in mind we've been together over a year and this is honestly the first lie I've ever told him, we've usually been open books with each other. It was something so stupid on my part and I take full responsibility for ruining that trust. I told him I didn't have a drink when I did and he called me out to it 2 nights later and I admitted to it when he brought it back up. And he broke up with me for it, saying "he'd never trust me, or believe me ever again, I betrayed him" and i understand that what I did was unacceptable and I feel horrible that I didn't just tell him the truth. And now I've lost him, and i want to fix it, and I know once trust is broken its hard to mend. And I know he wants nothing to do with me, But I really don't want to lose him. And he's already saying that he's closing that chapter of his life, he's over us, he's done, etc. And I just dont know what to do to at least try to fix my mistake?
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female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (5 August 2013):
 OP, thanks for the update , and pardon me for being pushy, but , I admit I am curious... your update still makes no sense, insofar it does not explain how that irrelevant drink even come to be talked about ( did he ask you : how much did you drink, and/ or what ? ) and most of all , WHY you felt you had to lie to him about it.
Yes I got it that he holds trust and honesty to an higher standard , and that's not necessarily a bad thing, but WHY ,knowing that, you felt you had to lie ?
I mean, if you had gone out in a black dress, ... then you surely were not going to lie to him " Yesterday I went out wearing my white dress ". Because, hopefully, he does not care what colour you wear, so there was no need to lie, right ?
People lie when they want to cover their ass, avoid reproaches for their actions, know that the other persom will be mad or disappointed for what they have done....
So how having a drink with a friend fits in all this ?
What is it that you are not supposed to do , or you have agreed to not do : drinking, going out by yourself, going out with other males ?....
Because you understand that the context makes it different: If , for instance, he was actually mad about you being out to drink with your cute friend John,... well , he should not be jealous but with his past history it's understable he'd see that as a major breach of trust .
If instead ,you are actually supposed to report to him every single tiny detail of your life , and God forbid he does not like it- ( reason for which you have to fib ) -.... then he's not a champion of trust and honesty, he is a severe control freak and, trust me, you are much better off without this kind of pressure in life !
A
reader, anonymous, writes (5 August 2013): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you all for the replies! They helped so much, I know the story is a bit vague, To add a bit of detail to this, it had nothing to do with the drink, no drinking problem or anything like that, it was the fact i lied that upset him so much. He strongly believes in trust and honesty due to his past with relationships alot of his girlfriends have cheated on him, so he holds trust and honestly to a higher standard. Which is understandable and i believe they are very important in a relationship. And to be honest i just wanted a night to myself from alot going on in my personal life, so i got a drink. And thats about it on the story. Thank you for all the advise again!
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A
female
reader, CindyCares +, writes (4 August 2013):
Like everybody else, I feel there is some piece of info missing.
Had you solemnly sworn to never touch even ONE drink ? And for what reason ? ...
Without knowing that, it's hard to understand why he'd make such a fuss over ONE drink, in fact it's hard to understand why you'd be even reporting to him about what you drink or eat . How that would be even coming up in conversation ?
Are you in treatment for alcoholism ? Are you guys strict Muslims ? Did his (parent)s die from alcohol abuse and he committed to only date girls who would accept total alcohol abstinence?.....
I mean, ther must be some serious reason not only why he'd feel betrayed , but also why you would feel that you have to hide having ONE drink from him.
Otherwise, if there's no compelling reason, he ... just had decided to dump you anyway, was itching to do it and took the first ( and lamest ) excuse you offered him. IF it had n't been the drink, it would have been something else.
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A
female
reader, kellyO  +, writes (4 August 2013):
 Are you an alcoholic? Otherwise I am not sure why else he will break up with you because of just a drink.you should apologize and if he isn't listening then he is not worth going after as this is not really a deal breaker.If you are indeed an alcoholic you need to seek counselling and get help. Getting help is more important now and only after you have been able to sort yourself out can you introduce someone else into your life.
Good luck
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A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (4 August 2013):
 There is more to this story. Normally, no one would care about whether or not you had a drink or two. But there was more to it, something else happened or didn't happen, because of you drinking. I wonder what? Because this is the true reason for why he left the relationship... There was something else going on, which broke the trust.
Why did you lie to begin with? Why did you feel a need to lie about having had drinks? You say it was just a stupid "white" lie. But that wasn't a white lie... A white lie is when you say a dress looks pretty on your mother when in fact you think it looks just mediocre. A white lie is when you say you love the gift someone gave you, when in fact you think it was dull.
Saying you didn't drink when in fact you did... that isn't a white lie. It's not something you say to be nice, or to protect someone, or to not hurt their feelings.. It's something you lied about to protect yourself. So, why did you have a need to lie?
Be honest to the strangers online at least. That'll be a start. Then we will help you as good as we can. Remember, people on here don't know you, so we can't judge.
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A
male
reader, olderthandirt  +, writes (3 August 2013):
 IF you are an alcoholic then lieing about one little drink is NOT a little white lie! It's the same thing as being a drunk for life. What if he just loves you too much to see you relapse? Try looking at the issue with him in your shoes and visa versa. Would you give him a pass on just one little white lie? Lots of luck
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A
female
reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (3 August 2013):
 You've left out some very crucial information. You will net more accurate advice if you can explain why a drink would be a deal breaker.
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A
female
reader, Got Issues +, writes (3 August 2013):
 Is there a reason why you having a drink is such a massive deal? It sounds to me like a very minor thing, but maybe there is some background that I don't know about. Also, is there a reason why you lied about it? Is he anti-alcohol or something?
In any case, he may have been looking for an excuse to break up with you. It sounds like it. If he wanted to stay in the relationship, he would have discussed the issue with you, but he totally blew it out of proportion. I agree that honesty is really important, but what you did is hardly a crime, and I don't see how he can see it as a betrayal. It just seems to me that he was just waiting for you to put a foot wrong so that he could end things for whatever reason.
I know you're hurting right now, but even if you were to patch things up with him, I don't think you'd have a happy relationship in the long term. With the little information you've given about the lie you told, I would say it's his problem. He either wanted out of the relationship or he is very volatile. Do you really want someone who blows his top and dumps you if you do the slightest thing wrong?
If I were you I wouldn't try to fix this. Don't take all the blame either, or think that the only reason things ended was because you told a tiny lie. That's not enough to end a relationship. There were other things wrong for him.
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A
female
reader, llifton +, writes (3 August 2013):
 Who cares if you had a drink or not? Shy did you feel compelled to lie? Did he make you feel as though you couldn't tell him the truth?
Lying is a bad thing. Of course. But lying about who you're with or what you're up to is one thing. Lying about having a drink is another. I get the concept that it shows you're capable if lying. But give me a break. It was a drink.
Can you give any more details about this drink? It would help to understand the background s bit better.
From where I sit, it sounds like he's being a drama queen. Stop apologizing and kissing his ass. Tell him fine, have it your way if you want to break up over something this ridiculous. And leave it be. Guarantee you he will come running. You're giving him all the power and he's eating it right up. Snatch that power away.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 August 2013): Hold up, hold your horses - he broke up with you just because you told a little white lie that you didn't have a drink when you did? He broke up over that? Then I think he was looking for a reason to break up! That is not a deal breaker by a long shot.
That's the same as growing up, when someone would eat the chocolate on the shelf and when asked, everyone would say they didn't have it, but SOMEONE did, that did not mean we ostrasized them out of the family ;=_
You said it's the first white lie you have told, so he should have cut you some slack, forgiven and gotten over it. Unless you are a recovering alcoholic who has been told not to drink, and you did, and he does not want to deal with the consequences, then THAT would make sense and you have bigger problems. If that is not the case, then move on as he was not serious to leave over something that small. If it was over you being an alcoholic, accept that you can't lie over something like that, you probably won't get him back, and you need to learn this hard lesson before you meet someone else.
Good Luck
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