A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:I would like advice, please on a 'friend' who I know through my partner. She was never really a close friend of his, more like a work contact, but the field we work in has a huge overlap in social and work life, so they have many mutual contacts. I have a holiday home in the town - a country in Europe - that she permanently lives in and it's a very small town so there's not really a way to completely avoid her or minimise contact with her more than I do already.The problem - and my partner agrees with this but doesn't actually do anything about it - is that we are all working in the same field which tends to be highly competitive. I'm not remotely competitive but I work extremely hard to achieve things in this field; but I don't network like the vast majority of others do because I find this networking too manipulative and strategic for me. I am really straightforward with people and I don't ever like using them to get ahead.Anyway, this woman who is single and older by about a decade - and I say this not as a criticism but only because part of me wonders if her actions are over-defensive due to being alone - keeps consistently using 'micro-aggressions' to control almost every encounter with her and the overall effect is to gradually undermine me, my. status, my achievements - absolutely anything and everything. As time has gone on, it's obvious she doesn't care about me, but turns on the charm if she wants something.I have found it confusing and have read up about 'toxic' friend's behaviour and I am pretty certain that's what this is but I'm not sure of the best way to address it.At the same time as consistently aiming to minimise me, as soon as she sees something that I have - whether it's an idea, an object, a contact, knowledge of something - that she herself wants, she will pounce on it. At other times she seems friendly and nice and I feel like we are getting closer but, the next time or some time later, she is different again, and minimises me all over again, and I realise it's because she now has gotten what she wanted from me. When it's very obvious that her behaviour could be perceived as rude, she will say things like "I'm very direct". I never call her out on her behaviour because I feel she would turn the tables on me and be the kind of person to destroy my reputation in the town if she was confronted with the effects of her own actions.She has grown up in a middle-class / upper middle class background and - sorry to create a stereotype - but comes across as the kind of woman who was intent on finding a very wealthy husband and becoming the 'lady of the manor' (so to speak). In the past she dated millionaires, and had very wealthy boyfriends, but nothing ever seemed to come of this. In many ways she is or seems lovely, and I keep being drawn to this quality in her, but then get hurt.I am a strong believer in women's inequality and I want to support women in getting what they want and need from life. But the problem is she uses every possible way - sometimes subtle, sometimes more direct - way to control me, even before I've opened my mouth and even if I wasn't going to anyway.An example will be if my partner and I meet her for dinner outside; as soon as we sit down she will say something to the effect that she wants to control what is discussed that evening. My partner and I will look at each other because we know that this means that something that she is aware may have happened to me, is not to be discussed.I have to keep my mouth shut even when he and I know I would never go Into any private issues with her in the first place. For example, if I had a recent bereavement, and she somehow knows about it, she will say "After 7pm I never discuss negative issues" - the implication being that I should not bring up anything potentially upsetting. But then she will spend a great deal of the evening moaning about something she's experienced. Now, this will make it seem like I am the kind of person who WOULD do this and needs corrected or my awareness raised that I need to be more considerate of others. But - and my partner agrees - I am extremely careful to always create equal conversations and, in fact, in the past I've had problems with being too considerate of others at a cost to myself. The other thing is that these kind of behaviours have happened so many times, in so many different ways, that it's quite mind-bending for both me and my partner to experience.I've done things like offered to bring dessert if she invites us for dinner, and gone to a lot of time and expense to make a beautiful and expensive cake as a dessert which all of her guests and she herself has said are delicious, so I've left the rest of the desert with her and her family to eat later, only to never have this mentioned ever again. I've given huge amounts of time to helping her with her work, in all sorts of ways, but she will never acknowledge this, or the value of my ideas. If I make her lunch and she likes the food, she will immediately ask for the receipe, which I give her even if I invented it, but she will then inform me that she would have preferred it a different way. In the last year, I had two really major achievements in the field we all work in. She simply never acknowledges these achievements, how hard they were for me because I come from a very difficult, non-privileged background, or even that I work in the same field as her and my partner. She only ever focuses on my partner's work and consistently excludes me from any conversation about that work and that field, yet, at the same time and when I do manage to join in somehow, she will use all my suggestions and advice but never acknowledge my input. I've never met anyone quite as controlling as this. Every conversation has begun to feel artificial somehow. I wonder if it's because this person used to work as a therapist and the therapy happened through talking with clients and so her training in this has combined with aspects of her personality to make her seem over-controlling. One time she invited my partner to dinner with a friend of hers who is also a therapist. Honestly, it was like being in such a highly controlled environment where we both felt we were not treated like human beings, but clients or a sub-species or a strange kind of performance; what I mean is, neither of them would open up any topic in any remote depth - and by 'depth' I don't mean anything boring or dark, just things like talking about the area where her friend lived, or the kind of ingredients most used in a certain region for baking (because there are limited options in certain parts). It's as if they were internally timing the amount of time they would give to us and spend with us, and everything was pre-determined around that.She's also constantly saying cryptic things like "someone has to be in the lead" in a couple; we think this is because we both work in the same field and she's saying she doesn't see me and my partner as equal. We actually have other friends who are couples' therapists and they found this comment highly offensive and unethical in terms of supporting women's equality and eradicating women's inequality.There have been other occasions where the micro-aggressions become so bad that I have to make excuses and leave, or where she herself has been very 'bitchy' about someone but then, when we meet again with my partner, she tries to increasingly say that it was me saying bad things about the other person, effectively 'framing' me for things I haven't done. It's begun to feel a bit like a persecution.Anyone able to shed any light on this? I usually always want everyone I meet and spend time with to feel equal, included and valued. I am finding it extremely difficult to keep doing this with this woman, but I don't know what else to do and there's no way I can avoid seeing her in the years ahead. Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 December 2023): Malvern, thank you so much for the input to my post, I genuinely appreciate it. This woman's behaviour has baffled me for quite some time now. I think your analysis of the situation is absolutely spot on.
It will be hard to distance myself because she is so close geographically when I visit my house, but I will do it little by little. It's also virtually impossible in our field to not mix business with pleasure but I will do my best to avoid her at all costs.
A
female
reader, malvern +, writes (11 December 2023):
 i have read your question carefully a couple of times and i have to say that this woman seems like a totally controlling old bitch. Does she really come from an upper middle class background? I would very much doubt it. She strikes me as the kind of woman who has clawed her way to the top and now jealously guards her position. I am now retired but during my working life I came accross a couple of women who were like this, I even walked out of a job because of one of them! True to form she then bad mouthed me to other people! My advice to you is to distance yourself from this woman as much as you possibly can, she's not worth your time ..... and that's how you've got to look at it. You have to tell yourself 'who does she think she is that she can treat me, and other people, the way that she does'. Gradually distance yourself, think twice about contacting her, make up excuses to not dine with her and certainly don't cook for her. Be civil but keep it to business, don't discuss personal life at all. My late father used to tell me 'never mix business with pleasure, your work colleagues are just people at work, you don't socialise with them'. I hope this helps. Just remember that you are a better person than she is. IF she was so wonderful then why isn't she with one of her millionaire boyfriends? Rise above it and don't let her get to you.
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