A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:Ok hoping this doesn't sound completely lame but I need opinions. Having a really wonderful connection and long distance relationship with great guy . We share a lot and talk about fantasies which is really nice and we seem to really get one another in that way and feel comfortable However for some reason there is one fantasy that he had that is making me feel somewhat uncomfortable and I am not quite sure why. The fantasy he had is of me with another woman ( yes I know not very uncommon ) I am reluctant to tell him I feel uncomfortable with this for a couple of reasons. One is that I don't want to inhibit him and the wonderful freedom we have to share fantasies and the other is that he also has separate fantasies that he shares of me with other men so I would feel like a hypocrite But the truth is it does actually turn me off and I'm struggling to just pretend it's ok ..we are both clear that fantasies re just that only fantasies and will never be what we want in real life So what is wrong with me and do I say anything or bottle it up?
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reader, anonymous, writes (22 February 2014): Fantasies are private creative-property.
They are usually kept secret for their full benefit; because others may not appreciate the full context, or understand them. No matter how weird your own fantasies may be, people tend to harshly judge others. Fantasies are not always our true feelings and desires.
It's risky being open and sharing them; because people carry their over-opinionated attitude around with them. That's always reserved for other people. Which is why we are reminded to judge not; unless we care to be judged ourselves.
You should be comfortable enough to tell him that you're not able to relate to such fantasies; but if it makes him feel any better, you have tried. Play it off with humor, not to embarrass him or hurt his feelings.
Ask if he could hide those that involve you being with other women, it would keep you more in the mood.
Your discomfort is that you fear if you should ever meet, he would expect you to perform and create his fantasy in reality. You should actually realize that this fantasy is so common (don't just say you do, intellectualize it); that most people guess before most heterosexual men can tell them.
That doesn't mean he is expecting you at anytime to do it.
Some guys would be very jealous; because they don't like the actual reality of his girlfriend craving something he can't provide sexually. A vagina, and female breasts.
You're over forty, so you are still a little prudish about such things. The scenario for the benefit of straight men doesn't happen in reality as often as some men would hope.
In fact; lesbians would prefer the guy completely out of the picture. That, or remain a very distant observer. His
participation is neither wanted, nor necessary.
No more imagining two guys getting it on in the fantasies for some women. Keep things in proper context, and in fair perspective. It is all imaginary.
Put your judgmental thoughts on hold when you invite him to share his private sexual fantasies. You're taking advantage of guy's vulnerable side. Men do not open up emotionally very easily. They trust you, if you're able to get them to.
It's not fair to get inside someone's head to expose their secrets, then turn on them.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (22 February 2014): Hey at least the fantasy involved you!
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A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (22 February 2014):
 I agree with person12345 It's a common fantasy and it is QUITE OK that you don't think it's a turn on FOR you.Figure out why it bothers you and then talk to him.
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A
female
reader, person12345 +, writes (22 February 2014):
 I agree with just saying, "that's not something I am into, but thank you for sharing." This is a really, really common fantasy and is nothing to worry about. You CERTAINLY don't have to do it just because it's a fantasy of his.
Before you talk to him about it, sit down and try to think of why this particular fantasy is bothering you so much, and then talk to him about it.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (22 February 2014): Let me ask you this. If you shared a fantasy with him that made him uncomfortable, would you want him to tell you? Of course you would! And he would want you tell him that this is making you uncomfortable. It shouldn't be a big deal. And why would that make you a hypocrite? Everybody has things they like and things they don't like, there's nothing wrong with that.
Just tell him. Say "you know what? This fantasy makes me a little uncomfortable." And I'm sure he'll drop it.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (22 February 2014): If you're truly unhappy with him saying this then perhaps you should mention it.
I mean, on the other hand, you did say they're only fantasies and they'll never happen so if he's not always talking about it then just let it go.
It's not an uncommon fantasy as you say, but I'm sure other women feel the same way about that too. If it is truly bothering you then definitely say something because otherwise it's going to be on your mind and it'll make you unhappy, but if you think it's one of those one off conversations then just forget about it and put it behind you because he's not expecting you to do anything along those lines.
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