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male
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anonymous
writes: Please help. I am really distraught following a split with my boyfriend of six months at the weekend.Last week, he asked me to go abroad with him, told me he loved me, we went out for a meal and I thought everything was going great.Then suddenly the next day he sent me a text message saying he wanted to end it all, saying he can't commit and that I deserve someone better than him.For the past few weeks he has stopped coming down to see me on a Saturday night and this weekend he did exactlty the same, prefering to go out with his friends.He is 21 and I am 33 and the age difference has never been a problem because he is the one who chased me in the start and has always made a great effort to see me.Over Christmas his grand-dad died, his dad hit him and he has been having problems at work where he says he is being bullied by his boss. I have stood by him throughout all of this but all he seems to do at the moment is reject me.I have not seen him much over the past few weekends as he has been out with his friends.At the weekend he sent me a text message saying that he could no longer give me his all, just days after suggesting that we go on holiday. I am putting all this down to his personal problems and don't really believe there is anything wrong between us. After all, we were completely fine until the weekend when something seems to have suddenly snapped.As you can imagine, all this up and down behaviour is just killing me and making me ill. A friend says I should end it for my own good but I love this boy and think he might be the one. I have told him that we need to see each other and he said he would be out this weekend in a bar in town and that "maybe see you there".He says he needs and wants time but how long do I give him? I realise he is having problems but why is he rejecting the one thing in his life that is constant and loving? I just dont understand. A few days ago he told me he loved me and now I just don't know what to do. We used to speak and text each other every day but now I don't know if I should contact him at all.
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reader, anonymous, writes (24 January 2006): He's letting go, dear and I am sorry. Your reaction to this breakup is normal and we've all been there. But getting stuck in feelings of denial, confusion and fear over losing this guy, is cause you to prolong the inevitable-the acceptance that it's over. Just reading your posting, I can see you are avoiding having to face the reality. Sometimes we cling to small hopes-we can't believe the relationship is over or that this is happening to us. That there must be some mistake. Dear, there isn't any mistakes. All the signs are showing-he's moving on. When a man loves a woman...he will do anything to be with her. He's not doing that. Mature, deep, loving relationships require commitment, trust, compatibility, and a future. There wasn’t a future here. From the way you describe him, he's very immature and not ready for a fulfilling relationship. You might feel pain, numbness, despair but you will move from pain into possibility and this will take time. So hunker down and get ready for it. So do you contact him? No, you do not. Contact with him will keep hindering your 'heart mending' process and you will always be taking two steps forward and one step back. You need to develop the courage to confront this pain that lies beneath your desire to have him back.
There will be a great need to try to make sense of what has happened. Why did it happen?Your imagination may run wild. You may blame yourself for everything. But after time and space, you do begin to notice that you can create a fulfilling life for yourself.You will begin to make plans. You will take more action. You try new interests and discover more of your strengths and talents. You develop areas of yourself, that you thought were weaknesses. You feel some fears, but you go forward in spite of them. Part of the challenge throughout this process is to experience the natural process of hurt, anger, and letting go, while at the same time realizing that you do need to take back some of your power. Because of your desire for him-realize he's in a position of power. So many people get trapped in this scenario. They want someone back so bad, they give up their self-respect and do anything to please that person. But the truth is..the goal of pleasing others is to avoid experiencing emotions that are too painful to confront about ourselves. Pleasing others is a technique which isolates a person from the "fear of losing love". Your fearful feelings are not in contol, if you don't allow it. You are the person doing the work of 'letting go of this guy' and creating a freshed, renewed life without him. Please don't go through this alone. Reach out to good friends and caring family members. Talking to people who love you will help. Never fear losing love in your life, dear. It's how we learn and and grow and become stronger. Take care and my heart goes out to you.
Hugs, Irish
A
female
reader, willywombat  +, writes (24 January 2006):
 Hi there
Stop contacting him, stop chasing him, don't even text him. Start to get your life together by finding new friends and ignoring what this guy is getting up too. Before you know it you will stop thinking about him every minute, it will turn into only thinking about him hourly, then a whole morning will go by and you'll realise you haven't thought about him at all. Then before you know it it's a week.......
This may well sound flippant, but you have had your heart broken, and it will take time to heal. Your bf sounds as tho he has been through a lot, but he also sounds as tho he needs an emotional crutch not a life-partner, and is that all you want to be for him? He is obviously not suffering too much as he is out and about at bars and having fun at the weekends. He says he needs time and that to me sound like an excuse from a coward who can't say "it's over". Either that or he wants to keep his options open if he finds the *grass isn't greener*.
Whilst he chased you at first I think the "commitment" thing has all got a bit scary and things have moved too fast for him.....yes, even tho he is the one who made all the moves. He is 21 and by the sounds of things a little emotionally immature. You on the other hand are a bit older and are probably looking to settle down with one partner. I suggest you move on and accept that he has, however hurtful this may be. I am not saying that it is completely hopeless, as we can never predict what is going to happen or other people's behaviour, but do you really want to sit and pine for someone who no longer cares for you in the way you want or need.
I wish you all the best for your future, chin up and good luck. x
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