A
male
age
41-50,
*rushjones
writes:I'm in a difficult situation - as I suppose everyone else here is as well. here goes:I'm 28 and in a relationship of 4 years (we are not married but have lived the life of a married couple for ~3 1/2 years). We have a 2 1/2 year old and one on the way (due in 4 months). Neither of us are happy in the relationship. We disagree across the board and we are worlds apart regarding most aspects of our relationship: finances, home responsibilities, affection, sense of humor...the list goes on. We get along reasonably well - we don't often fight and we are always civil with one another. But - we are no longer in love. We do not have the same feelings we had for each other years ago, and we've probably been in this situation off and on for 2 years and consistently for 4-5 months. We went to counseling for 6 months about 1 year ago, but it only seemed to cool down the resentment between each other (took some of the bad out, but didn't make it good, just made it stale). We both are aware of it, and I'm afraid that we're still together for the sake of our child. I know that rule #1 of relationships is 'do not stay together for the kids because it will end up being worse'. So - options being to split or not to split - what should I/we do? I know that I'll have a great relationship with my older child and I'm pretty sure her mother and I would split custody amicably, but my concern is over our baby on the way. I want to share in the responsibilities of taking care of him, but I also know that he'll need structure and consistency at home (ex: not switching between homes), and I know that having a 3 yr old and an infant would be too much for either of us to handle on our own for any period of time - at least until the baby is about 18 mos old. what should we do? should we stick it out until the baby is old enough, should I just move into another bedroom in the house? on one hand I want my children to have a single family, but on the other i dont want them growing up in a family where the mother and father do not love and adore one another.
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reader, anonymous, writes (29 May 2009): There are times when it's reasonable to stay together for the kids. Honestly, I'm not sure that this is one of them. From the sounds of things, you two are destined to split at some point. Your eldest is probably young enough that it won't phase her too badly, particularly if you're careful to make the split as amiable and fair as possible.
The concern is that if you stay, you and your partner will model relationship behaviour that will be a disservice to your children. As unfortunate as this situation is, it's probably healthier for the kids for you to leave.
A
female
reader, Maysa +, writes (29 May 2009):
I have been there done that, do not stay together for the sake of the children! In my opinion it only does more harm to you and to them. Good Luck,
Maysa
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