A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Hello, I'm looking for some advice. I've been with my bf for nearly 9 years. Last year, he came home (we were living together, not engaged/not married)from a working trip abroad and abruptly told me he didn't want to be with me anymore. Four weeks earlier, he'd talked about us starting a family, so it came out of the blue. He moved out two months later, but during that time, I discovered (from checking his mobile phone, which he'd become unusually guarded about) that he'd been flirting with a girl from work, on an adult dating website, and sending/receiving explicit texts/pictures to strangers. I felt I didn't know him anymore. I confronted him, he denied it all. I rang the woman from work, she confirmed they had been flirting, but hadn't gone 'that far' yet, although he'd told her he was going to leave me. So he moved out, but kept in touch. 6 months later, he decided he wanted us to get back together. We've been seeing each other at weekends since, but I don't feel I can trust him. He tells me the woman from work has left her job (I don't know if this is true), and that it was just 'banter', that he flirted at work because he felt we were growing apart. I want to trust him again, but today I was at his house - he went out, asked me if I could put away some of his clothes, and I found a secret mobile phone in his drawer! It had a password on it. He leaves his usual phone around unguarded, but this was obviously hidden. I also found some condoms and an open pack of cigarettes in his drawer (he stopped smoking 9 yrs ago). So now I'm worried. Should I confront him? I have no other evidence. He says he wants us to get married and have children, but how do I work out whether or not I can trust him? The doubt is driving me crazy, especially as I try to keep it to myself, but I don't want to be taken for a fool. What would you do? Thanks :)
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reader, anonymous, writes (13 March 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you for the answers! I really hate being distrustful and feeling the need to snoop. I want to rebuild things, and guess I just have to be aware that I run the risk of getting hurt again. I think it's time for a talk with him about trust.
Thanks again.
A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (10 March 2009):
 Honestly trust is pretty hard to gain back, but my advice is this STOP snooping. When you do you might find stuff and with even a little imagination it because a huge issue. And no matter what you find you might feel like a crazed stalker more then a GF. No One should HAVE to keep taps on ones partner. It will ruin it in the long run and make you feel even worse. I know this from personal experience.
I think the best thing you can do is sit down and talk to him about trust.
The two of you obviously haven't really dealt with what happened in the past or it wouldn't still be lingering between you. However just because he is "done" flirting with the girl at work doesn't mean that you are done with the impact it had on you and your relationship.
You two need to talk. If you are willing to let him know you snooped you can start there.
Having secret cell phones is really iffy.
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A
female
reader, k_c100  +, writes (10 March 2009):
 Well technically he hasnt cheated on you however his behaviour is hugely suspicious and all the so called flirting he has been doing is not acceptable.
You just need to think of it this way - if he denies it all and says he has never done anything wrong, that those are his emergency cigarettes for when he is stressed, and the condoms are really old (this is just an example of what he might say to defend himself) - will you believe him? Can you believe him?
Or has all this suspicious behaviour left you feeling like no matter what he says, in the back of your mind you will always think of him as sneaking around behind your back?
If you can believe him then you are ok to continue with the relationship, and hopefully he will stop the suspicious behaviour and treat you the way you deserve. If you feel that you would always have that sense of doubt in the back of your mind, no matter what he says, then you have to end the relationship as the trust has already gone.
If I were you I would leave him, he has clearly broken your trust and gone behind your back, with the smoking, flirting and by going on a dating website. This is emotional cheating and hurts just as much, if not more, than if he had slept with someone else.
But make the decision that is best for you - if you can forget about this and truly trust him again then there is no reason why you shouldnt try again at the relationship. But if you know deep down you cannot trust him again and will always be suspicious of him, then you cannot continue a relationship without trust.
I hope this helps!
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