A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I've been seeing a guy for a month and a half now. We text everyday, talk on the phone and we have been on multiple dates. Each time he is initiating it. So far things are looking spectacular! However, when I asked him how long he has been on the dating site, he said he has been on it for about 6 years. He was honest with me which is great but the fact that he has been on it for that length of time is bothering me. Even though things are looking great I am still concerned and have my guard up when really I probably should not worry, people come off those sites eventually but still. It makes me wonder will he just all of a sudden get tired of me?I have not slept with him yet and to be honest, I am going to hold off that for a while if things go as well as they are going now.He talks about the future etc etc literally everything on the check list ticks off about this guy. I am delighted. Should I be concerned he has been on the site for so long?Also if he is really into me, will he eventually ask me if I want to leave the site? Both our profiles are still up on the site but I recently joined about 4 months back. I am happy he was honest but concerned. What should I do?
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female
reader, Tuatara  +, writes (19 December 2017):
 I don't think you can do any harm by asking how he feels about the profiles being still up, when you two have been perhaps focusing, communicating regularly, on each other. If he is genuine he won't mind the question. The things to keep in mind about someone who has been involved in online dating for years, and if they perhaps have not had any relationships of substance during this time, is if the 'online addiction' to the attention he may get is a red flag to be wary of. I got involved with a chap who has been online dating for probably close to 10 years, I was keen, and he knew all the right things to say to reel me in, he was experienced at saying all the right things, admitted it even. But he was saying all the same things to other ladies too, I was just another notch. As soon as I slept with him, which was not fast, after months of regular communication and meets, he sabotaged the relationship and went straight into the game again. I think some have an addiction and need constant attention and choices. It's like a lolly shop for some and they keep going back to see if there is something new to play with. Just be careful you don't invest more of yourself than you can afford to loose and bounce back from. If he is legit, he won't mind the question, - i.e "So what are we feeling about our profiles still being live". Might answer some of your concerns. Good luck.
A
female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (13 December 2017):
 In fairness yes six years is a long time but who are we to judge. He might be picky and didn't find anyone he wanted to date, or maybe he dated a few and it didn't work out. Also he could have wanted something different six years ago and is only looking for a relationship now. Only he knows the answer none off us should judge. Glad to hear he took it down and things are still going well.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 December 2017): I am the OP of the post.
The profiles have been taken down and he is taking me to see his mother and father next weekend! I guess 6 years is a long time but it had to come down some time.
Thanks for all the advice!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (9 December 2017): You haven't come as far as establishing your love-connection is exclusive, or even a connection, at this time.
That thinking is premature; because you might like him for the moment, and those feelings could fade. That's a risk you both take.
Leave your accounts open. Your options are still open. Even multiple-dates does not prove you should close your site subscriptions.
If and when you mutually become a committed and exclusive couple; then together you sit in witness of closing your accounts simultaneously, as a gesture of good-faith and trust.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (9 December 2017): Sniff...sniff...I smell self-sabotage! I also got a subtle whiff of cynicism and low self-esteem.
You are worthy of love and affection. You are not always a victim of "Murphy's Law." Anything that could go wrong; may not necessarily go wrong, unless you somehow force it to through self-fulfilling prophecy.
Be realistic, but optimistic. Have some modicum of faith, and allow some hope and joy into your life.
How long he has been on a dating site is really none of your business. Most people on dating sites have been there for a long time before finding success, or just giving-up on it.
Oh, BTW, you're a single-female and over 30! Should he be worried?
It was quite candid and transparent of him to share the fact. He didn't tell you he has been actively seeking dates only online all that time. So what if he was? He probably just let it remain active and unused; but low and behold, his faith wins out! He found you...you found each other!
You are right in some respects; to be vigilant and to be alert for red-flags. You have no right to judge him harshly; because dating sites can't guarantee you happiness or success at finding a match. Your feelings are not automatically-triggered or preset to like someone; just because they're labeled a "possible to good match" on some website. It takes patience, a positive outlook, discernment, and perseverance. Online or off!
Often you find more losers than winners on dating sites. Somehow that correlates with real-life and dating offline. You're dating humans. You're bound to find flaws and imperfections. It's impossible not to; but you get to choose the flaws or imperfections you can live with. You get to select or bypass the rejects; unless you're desperate and stupid.
Don't automatically expect something to go wrong, just be prepared for it. Use logic and common-sense, as well as listening to your heart. Don't go into anything blindly, and give the benefit of the doubt. Just as you feel you deserve benefit of the doubt, in spite of your own faults or flaws. Pardon me, if you are perfect. I've never met anyone like that.
Take it a day at a time. Stay level-headed and engage your maturity. Look forward to the best, and enjoy it for the present. Worrying about the future and what might happen wrong, is what feeds fear. Fear makes us say and do stupid things. Get a grip, and enjoy things until there is reason to be concerned. What you've chosen as a major concern is blowing things out of the water; before you have justification for your concerns. Good-guys sometimes win last; but we still win!
He is good to and for you at the moment. Take what he discusses about the future with a grain of salt. It's good to be optimistic; but we can only live in the present. Make sure you work on your own weaknesses and faults. It's not just about what he gives and does for you. It's also about what you give back, and what you do for him. He's also taking a risk on you!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 December 2017): On the other side of the coin, many guys use dating sites for sexual conquests ONLY and were never serious about a committed relationship. It's just their pool of easy pickings. Technology makes having casual sex so easy these days. Too easy.You are right to have your guard up. Watch his behaviour as you get to know him. Little things will pop up and you will eventually piece his intentions together. We women are very smart and observant that way. It's never words. He can say anything you want to hear. It's his actions that count and reveal all you need to know.So, either bail now if you trust your gut implicitly. Or just wait and see. Do NOT have sex. I mean hold off indefinitely. You will see in his actions how he handles your decision to wait. Most guys who are after just sex won't stick around indefinitely. A few night but you'll be able to read him well enough, soon enough.I hate to see women taken for a ride. Usually it's after he's said sweet things and professed his love for her. These players know exactly what they're doing. And it's sad that manipulation and lying must be used on another human being. A person who is flesh and blood and has feelings and a heart. But to a snake who is cold blooded and cold hearted nothing matters except nabbing their prey, in any which way.You seem like a nice lady with a level head.Just be careful.Your gut is already telling you something. Never dismiss a gut feeling. Proceed with caution or not at all.We've heard so many times about nice women who give in and have sex with a Prince Charming type and the Prince Charming suddenly disappears, never to be heard from or seen again. Cause he got what he wanted. And he is off seeking another Cinderella. He is a serial Cinderella chaser!I'm not saying this guy is. But he very well could be.If I was told my man was on a dating site for 6 years, that would worry me too. It would always be this nagging little doubt eating away at me and getting in the way of my opening up to him, trusting him and enjoying the intimacy of the relationship.Having your guard up is no way to enjoy a relationship. I mean if that's the case, why even bother being in one? You have to be open and vulnerable otherwise it won't work. And that means feeling safe with your choice of partner. Wishing you well.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 December 2017): You should ask him. My thoughts were that maybe over the 6 years he's gone on some dates but just not found the one. Online dating is tricky and sometimes it takes a lot of courage to actually meet up with someone you've been texting.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (8 December 2017):
 Yes, you should ask him.
6 years is a LONG time to be looking. I'd be interested in how many relationships/people he hooked up within this period. Not saying he OWES you a number, but I would be curious.
If he really IS looking for longterm and a future partner then taking your time getting to know him should be NO problem for him as well. Right?
And yes, if this relationship is going somewhere the profiles should be INACTIVE and TAKEN down in the new few months but it should be a mutual decision.
I very much agree with Brown Wolf that going REAL slow here is the best option.
Becuase? Well, he SAYS he wants long-term, the whole enchilada - but for now... You really don't know if that is true or if that is his "M.O". It wouldn't be the first time a guy says - "I want marriage and kids" to a woman in hopes she will think:"OMG!! I have found my Prince Charming let me drop my knickers and jump in head first". Same with women who agree to things being "casual" in hopes the guy will eventually WANT to date her.
I think it's still a BIT too soon to talk about taking down profiles (it's only been 1 1/2 month) but I would not have sex until there is exclusivity and you feel you know him better.
Is it a red flag? Maybe not. You can be a GOOD person, a great catch and NOT find good matches online. But you NEED to listen to your "gut" here.
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A
male
reader, BrownWolf  +, writes (8 December 2017):
Your warning bells are already going off. I am not even in your shoes, and my warning bells are going off.
Very slowly, oh so slowly, with this one.
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A
male
reader, N91 +, writes (8 December 2017):
 Why don't you ask him? I really don't think that's an unreasonable question to ask a potential partner if it's concerning you.
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