A
female
age
41-50,
*entledevastation
writes:Hi: I am not sure where to start. About 2 years ago I met this guy online. I wasn't looking to flirt or make a relationship, it was more of a social site. We both were in long-distance relationships at the time, and we started talking. One thing led to another, and after a few days of extraodinary talks, exchanging pictures and such we ended up saying we are in love --but really not knowing how to deal with the situation. We talked 24/7, even when we were not saying anything, we would still be on voice messenger. He was dreamy --and I know I sound like a schoolgirl, but he sounded too good to be true. After a couple of months, he came to meet me. It was pretty uncomfortable. I had in the meantime broken up with my boyfriend, on different grounds, but he was still with his girlfriend. Online, it seemed so powerful, but in real life, I became too conscious of the situation, that there was another woman involved, the consequences of my actions. I was rather cold. We ended up talking and saying we will remain friends. We kept talking, like nothing had happened, but he was angry all the time. I on my part, missed him more and more, and in the end, I told him I was in love with him. He replied that he didn't like me back and he had found me unattractive in person, but he cared about me very much --but he was in love with his girlfriend. In the meantime, he was flirting other girls online as I found out later. I was devastated but started getting over it and slowly distancing myself.A couple of months after that, he said he wanted me again, that he had never stopped and that he loved me and wish we could work things out. I fell for it, was happy for a bit, but a few days later, he would pretend he had never said those things. And this became a pattern of his for a year and a half now with very harsh things being heard every time he would change his mind. The only difference is that every time he would come back, he would 'stay' longer in the 'relationship' and gradually he seems like becoming more involved in it every time, reminding me of his old self before the initial break up. At the same time, the break up periods become periods of complete silence now, while before we would at least talk every day even as 'friends'. He has stopped flirting around, but he hasn't broken up with the girlfriend who seems almost non-existent in his life (haven't seen her in more than a year).How do I deal with this? Is it worthy to pursue it or should I leave? and if so, how? After all this time, it feels gasping for breath without him... is it healthy? How do I move this forward to something actually stable for both of us? I am not sure what his problem is in terms of commitment, he often says he won't commit because I am 'too much work' but on the other hand, he is too much work himself.
View related questions:
flirt, period Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, gentledevastation +, writes (21 December 2008):
gentledevastation is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for the responses: yes, he has manipulated me, he has been lying, cheating,every time meet-in-person comes up, he gets excited but 'breaks up' before we get there. I have supported him financially to what amounts about half his monthly expenses for a while. Whenever I try to focus my energy on something else, like my work, and try to slowly distance myself, he will create a situation that will require my immediate attention and make me panic hat he's leaving/out. And I am not going to lie, it has often felt like I am there because I am useful to him.
But, on the other hand, this started slowly shifting lately. He has become more considerate and appreciative, appeared actually guilty of what he has done, trying hard to work things out and sounding excited about meeting again in-person -because he too, has said that the main reason this is happening is because we do not know each other personally to understand fully the weight of our actions.
He's gone now, said he'll be gone for a while, refused to answer any questions about what/how/why and making em wonder if he is hanging out with his girlfriend or whatever he is doing. I don't know how to deal with the come back.
And my main question: how do I cope, if this is the right thing to do, with finally breaking all communication? it's really hard. He did make it all about him for so long that I am embarrassed to say I don't know how to face things without him.
|
