A
female
age
36-40,
*itten_x
writes:I recently became involved with a guy that I was at college with 3 years ago. When we got back in contact several months ago, we became very close and he admitted that he had strong feelings for me when we knew each other before, and that these feelings were resurfacing again. We spoke on a daily basis, he'd send me affectionate text messages throughout the day and told me he wanted to start a serious relationship with me, that he would never hurt me, that he wanted to keep me, etc.However, recently he has backed off - I'm not sure why - it's possible that he could be bored of me, could be interested in somebody else, or is being shy (he has mentioned that he has trouble opening up to people, as he's been hurt a lot) He rarely calls or messages me anymore, and when he does, he's very casual compared to before - he merely asks how I am, and makes no attempt at affection like before. The small amount of contact he makes has gradually been reducing over time - the last time I heard from him was three days ago (which is a long time considering the amount of contact he made before) He replies whenever I initiate contact, and I have pointed out that I still feel the same way about me.It's quite obvious to me that it is over, for whatever reason. However, my problem is, that whenever I have confronted him about it, he denies it. I've asked him a few times if he still wants me and feels the same way, and he says yes. I told him that if he ever does want to end it, whether it is because there's someone else or he merely doesn't want me anymore. I explained that he shouldn't worry about hurting me because it will understandably hurt more if he leaves me hanging on. Even though this wasn't a question, he insisted that he did still want me and that there is nobody else. He said that as far as he is concerned, we are still seeing each other. His excuse is that he's just been really busy and stressed out - which is true. He's been working more than usual, he's being badly treated at work, he has money worries, and his band have split up due to an argument. I understand this, and feel awful for him - I want to take care of him and support him. But I think that if he did still feel the same way about me, he would still be affectionate, he would still call me whenever he had the chance (like he did before) If anything, surely he would need/want me around even more if he's having a hard time?He is contacting me even less, and whenever I try to initiate contact I feel like I'm bothering him. I also don't want to question him again as he is obviously under enough pressure as it is, and he will think I'm being needy and obsessive. I've tried waiting around for him, but I give up. He's not giving me anything, and is making no attempt at arranging to see me again, even on the rare occasion that he has a night off. I'm convinced that he doesn't want me enough, and I can accept that it's over and deal with it, as long as I'm given some kind of closure. How can I move on from him when he won't even admit that it's over? I don't want to just dump him and leave, in case he is telling the truth and does still feel the same way about me. I don't think he would chase after me because he's very insecure and would believe that I didn't want him. But I don't want to put him under any more pressure by quizzing him again or giving him an ultimatum. I can't sit here in ignorance anymore though! Any advice would be truly appreciated.
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at work, his ex, insecure, money, move on, shy, split up, text Reply to this Question
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female
reader, kitten_x +, writes (22 December 2008):
kitten_x is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThese are both great answers and have made me more positive about moving on, thankyou. i don't have much of an update, he still hasn't got in contact. i'm planning to either walk away and stop initiating contact, or sending him an email to say it's officially over and explain why, and to tell him that if he's ready to commit anytime in the future, he'll have to convince me. i'm considering the latter so that i can get everything out in the open and put an official end to it.
oldersister - i agree with you about the actions speak louder than words concept, i've tried explaining it to him and he doesn't seem to understand. i'm glad you think that what he's doing is abusive, it's good to hear some assurance that i'm being perfectly rational here, as he usually tries to turn it around and say i'm being paranoid. i've come to learn that he probably won't give me the therupeutic type of closure that i need, it's got to the point now where a simple "no i don't want you anymore" would be enough for me!
anonymous - your situation sounds awful, glad you got through it ok. it's good to hear some advice on how to move on - what you said about the "outcome being the same" makes sense, although i'd never thought about it before. hopefully this advice will stop me from dwelling too much on what i did wrong. it does seem that men like this certainly aren't worth our time. take care. x
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (21 December 2008): Several months ago my boyfriend of 16 months disappeared on me, just stopped calling me and wouldn't return my phone calls. I left a message for him saying I assumed he was breaking up with me but he needed to contact me with a reason and not leave me hanging. Still nothing. I never have heard from him and it has been the most devastating breakup I've ever had because of this. We were very close, even spoke of marriage. My consolation is that he's a coward who doesn't even have the guts or decency to say a proper goodbye to someone he supposedly loved, and I'm just glad I found all this out now.
I've mulled over every possible scenario as to why he left -he's going through a divorce so maybe I was just a rebound, or he decided he needed some time to himself, or he wants to date around after being married so long, or he met someone else, or maybe even he and his wife decided to give it another try. Ultimately it doesn't matter why he left, because no matter what the reason, the outcome is still the same. That's the emotional place you need to come to, because it doesn't sound like you're going to get a real response from your boyfriend either.
Unless these guys decide they want to man up and tell us the truth, we'll never know what really happened. If your boyfriend really is just stressed out and busy, he'll be back. But I wouldn't count on that, so make the most of your life without him. Give yourself a little time to grieve, then move on. The New Year is coming, for me that will be a 3 month marker of his disappearance, and I'm determined to get out and start dating again. Life is too short to waste on someone who isn't giving us a second thought.
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