A
female
age
36-40,
*sty
writes:I am soon turning 26 and would like to make some stable,serious choices concerning my life.I have been dating an older man aged 54 for 4 years. I was eventually tired of a distant relationship etc and decided to break things off.We split a year ago but were still deeply inlove with each other. I moved abroad and met a decent guy a month a half ago. Things moved quickly and the new younger guy is incredible and believes he loves me etc. Need I mention he was also a virgin before we made love. He is a really special guy.My ex older guy found out about the relationship and asked me about it. After chatting a bit we both broke in tears etc. I don't love the younger guy, I love the older guy.Here are the pros and consOlder man - I love him deeply, he is kind, gernrous and all the right reasons one should love a man. BUT...because of the age gap I am afraid I will never truly be "free" in public with him. I have told some in my family about us only now and afraid we will face more fire. Will I be unhappy when our relationship makes so many other people unhappy? How can I deal with the judgement I will face from even strangers - younger woman old man stereotypes etc??The younger guy - he is tremendously special and sweet. A total geek though. I dont love him but I could?? He is definitely a safer and more acceptable option. Although I know my heart will always wonder about the older guy. Being with the younger guy may be almost perfect. He is young, more acceptable, people will love us together etc. He does love me, he thinks. I am not sure yet if I can fall in love with him like I have the older guy. THANK YOU FOR YOUR ANSWERS/ADVISE!!!
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female
reader, marzi  +, writes (13 February 2010):
you know?I have exactly the same issue as you.the only difference between me and you is that I'm 23 and my older boyfriend is 53.we know each other for 2 years.we lived in the same house for 8 months and I experienced everything about being with someone much older.when we go out (almost every night we eat out) the way people look at us makes me uncomfortable,that's true when you are walking with a young guy(someone around your age) you are more acceptable,and respectable by the society which I think is important to be accepted by society and not be isolated because human is a social being.after 6 months living with him despite all the positive things that he had(I was feeling I'm in the heaven,he would treat me like a prices,so understanding,so into each other,we had chemistry with each other)but the only problem that made me quite upset being with him was the way others treating us(we were almost the subject of gossip!nobody could understand how much I love him,they were thinking I'm taking advantage of him and I have some other younger boyfriend)after 6 months living with him I got depressed (sever depression that I had to be hospitalized!)it never had happened to me before NOW I'm in a different country and still wanting to go back to him.but he is also afraid that I might get depressed again.they say I'm attractive and in this 3 months here I had 3 choices of marriage with guys around 27,28.but I am still thinking and thinking...
A
female
reader, marzi +, writes (13 February 2010):
you know?I have exactly the same issue as you.the only difference between me and you is that I'm 23 and my older boyfriend is 53.we know each other for 2 years.we lived in the same house for 8 months and I experienced everything about being with someone much older.when we go out (almost every night we eat out) the way people look at us makes me uncomfortable,that's true when you are walking with a young guy(someone around your age) you are more acceptable,and respectable by the society which I think is important to be accepted by society and not be isolated because human is a social being.after 6 months living with him despite all the positive things that he had(I was feeling I'm in the heaven,he would treat me like a prices,so understanding,so into each other,we had chemistry with each other)but the only problem that made me quite upset being with him was the way others treating us(we were almost the subject of gossip!nobody could understand how much I love him,they were thinking I'm taking advantage of him and I have some other younger boyfriend)after 6 months living with him I got depressed (sever depression that I had to be hospitalized!)it never had happened to me before NOW I'm in a different country and still wanting to go back to him.but he is also afraid that I might get depressed again.they say I'm attractive and in this 3 months here I had 3 choices of marriage with guys around 27,28.but I am still thinking and thinking...
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A
female
reader, MonksDaBomb  +, writes (21 January 2010):
 It is easy for you to love the older man more than the younger one because you were with the older guy for a longer time and got to know him more. The younger guy relationship, as you said, went pretty fast.
Long distance relationships are difficult - not gonna lie. There is A LOT of trust needed on both sides and kudos for you for being open and honest with the older guy about you and the younger guy.
All I can say is go with your heart. If you feel more comfortable with the older guy; care more, love him more than the younger guy, then go for it!! And don't worry about what others think of you and him. Of course there will always be the pessimists who will think you're crazy for loving a man much older than you are, but age isn't a number. If you have a lot in common and have a connection - which it sounds like you do - then go for it. Was the prime reason for you breaking things off with him because of the distance? How far away are you guys, if I may ask? Just go with your gut feeling and I repeat, don't listen to the others! There will always be some negative people around who won't think it will work but consider that your ammo to prove them wrong.
Is there a way you can contact this older guy more often? Email, IM? I'm currently in an LDR and seriously, if we didn't have these things, I seriously wouldn't think it could work because you have to talk as much as you possibly can and then look forward to the times you can get together.
Good luck with your decision :)
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A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (21 January 2010):
 At this point, I think you have a need to have a relationship. You wan't to feel like you have a choice. But either choice is not a good one. Nothing's wrong with an old guy, but you broke up with him because of distance issues, if you continue being with him old issues would come up again. If you don't love the younger guy you would want to be with the old guy again.
People still love their ex partners, but in a different way. You still care for the old guy, but you don't love him enough to want to move in with him.
The younger guy presents hope to you, but as you have said, he is the safer option. Even if you two look good on the outside, who knows what goes on when you two are together privately?
Once you made a firm decision to break up with someone, don't look back, and totally forget that person before starting a new relationship. Only look for a future with someone you will love and is practical. Imagine if you are totally single and you had never been with the old guy would you still want to go out with that younger guy. Without comparison , you may have a clearer feel about the person. If you are bouncing back and forth, you are limiting yourself to two guys you can be with. Remember plenty of fish out there. Don't settle. Be patient with the "intermission" between relationships.
Love can develop over time. But chemistry is the magic that pulls two people together.
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