A
male
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:My wife and I had been talking about our past including some of the boyfriends/girlfriends which we had sex with and we are cool about it i.e. no jealousy. In our discussion fell upon at least 3 of her boyfriends/flings cheating on her. Her reaction was that they were so nice and sweet....... I thought that was a weird reaction as opposed to as___le or d__k. My wife tends not to admit she makes mistake but even I thought this was above and beyond her. So is this a coping mechanism to make it seem like she absolutely did not make a mistake? Is she trying to explain it off? Is it possible she is ashamed of her actions? I just think this is so weird, I did not want to press the issue because we are cool and have good dialogue amongst us. Can some of the ladies explain this to me.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 March 2015): These guys were probably not that significant to her and they probably weren't even that serious. Which is why she didn't place a whole lot of importance on the fact that they cheated on her. I had a boyfriend in high school who cheated on me one summer while I was out of town. It pissed me off at the time. But as we got older it mattered less and less. We had been pals for all of high school and had shared great times together, which overshadowed the short time we dated. We were young, its not like we were going to get married. Kids will be kids. So to this day (we are in our 30's now) we are still friends and I think he is a great guy. See?I think when cheating really hurts is when you are in a serious relationship and expecting a future with that person. That's when it feels like a real betrayal that you can't look past.But when you are young, single and dating, often jumping from one short lived relationship to the next, it doesn't matter nearly as much.She probably wasn't serious about these guys any more than they were serious about her. They were probably just young and having fun. And not taking things too seriously. Just living in the moment. Some people take all their relationships seriously. From the moment they start dating at 18 or 19, from there on all of their relationships are long and significant. They can't date people casually. They'll go from a two and half year relationship and jump right into a four year one then to a three year one. With no breather in between. Perhaps this is where you stand and therefore have trouble seeing the other side of the coin. A lot of people don't do this, though. Instead, they take breaks between their significant relationships. They'll take 2, 3, even 4 years where they just date casually. And stay away from heavy commitment. They were probably very in love with the ex and are not ready to get involved with that same level of commitment anytime soon. Because they are human they still date. But it is more for the sport and entertainment than it is because they found their true love. It sounds like this was the state of mind your wife was in when she dated these guys who cheated on her. She was not in a state of mind where she was ready to be serious with anybody. Therefore she feels more forgiving of the fact that they didn't take her seriously either.
A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (17 March 2015):
 Would you like a guy's point-of-view?
Mine is that... once you've opened the Pandora's box of what occurred in the past in your B/F,G/F,SO, wife's life... then you need to be prepared to FORGET what you hear... quickly and completely....
If you want to burn this in to your memory.. then be prepared for it to return - again and again - until it consumes you, and torpedoes your marriage....
Good luck...
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (16 March 2015): I really want to appreciate the ladies who answered questions. You gave me some insight into what my wife maybe thinking. To let you know I use the word "mistakes" because she had once mentioned that she had made mistakes in the past. It's not an ego thing it's more like a what the hell kind of thing. I really do think it's some kind of odd coping mechanism to justify why she chose the guy. It doesn't really bother me at all. She chose me and that's all I care about.
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A
female
reader, like I see it +, writes (16 March 2015):
 I'd suspect that she doesn't like to admit to herself that she judged all three if these guys incorrectly and wasted months or years of her life with them only to be cheated on.
Heck, she probably doesn't enjoy admitting to you that she fell for whatever act they put on initially, only to be hurt by them later. It's likely embarrassing to her to have fallen for the same or similar crap three times in a row and been burned all three times, leading to her attempt to justify to you what she ever saw in any of them in the first place.
That's my guess. Hope this helps. Good luck and best wishes!
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (15 March 2015):
 Nostalgia can blind the best of us to the bad points of past relationships. She remembers the cheating to be sure, but nostalgia has its own appeal in escapism.
I can see a bit of your ego here as the motivator behind the question. You mentioned her "mistakes", as in she made mistakes with them that she didn't with you. I get that of course, but the true mistakes were made by her cheating ex-boyfriends.
If I were advising her, I'd tell her to emphasize that you were the best decision she's ever made and that they are far less than you will ever be. That's actually the truth. They are bottom-feeding cheaters who can charm a good game, but ultimately weren't worth the breath it took to make their empty promises. Just be confident in that. She loves you.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (15 March 2015):
 She chooses to remember the NICE part of the relationship, NOT the disrespect of cheating.
Yea, she might be a little in denial, I'd say let her.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (15 March 2015): Janniepeg, I think you did a good job in describing the evolution of cheating. You really did not answer the question. I believe that the wife is using this description as a coping mechanism for choosing the wrong guy etc. Yes people choose the wrong people it happens. To describe them as nice and sweet as opposed to something negative is odd and is counter intuitive. I am sure there were other Bfs who did not cheat on her who could have been potential husband material if the situation worked out so I really don't think that was an issue in the husband's eyes.
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A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (15 March 2015):
 Being cheated on was not a mistake, and you only realize you made a wrong choice in a partner after they cheated. There was nothing to be ashamed of, not being able to predict who's going to cheat. She had thought they were nice and sweet but got disappointed. They were able to charm her at first but in reality they were players. It was not the cheating action that was nice and sweet. As long as you are confident that you are the nicest and sweetest of all, then you can be cool with it. You were probably worried that if they didn't cheat then she would be with them and not you. Even when you are not jealous of her past lovers it's not something nice you want to hear.
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