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female
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anonymous
writes: My bf suddenly seems to be scared of dying and I'm scared he's trying to dump me. We are both professional folk in high-stress jobs, both divorced with kids. I'm in my mid 40's and he in his late 60s. We met 3 years ago at a conference and have had a great relationship though we live in different States and can only meet once a month, but we're so much in love, we were like teenagers. From the start, I promised him that as soon as my boy goes off to college, I could change job and go to him. We planned to marry.Since last week, he seems cooler towards me, even sometimes cruel, which is so out of character. A close friend of his died and he is now obsessed with his own death. He has told me he no longer wants to marry, and tells me to take a promotion which will take me even further away from him. I adore him and want to be with him no matter what. He thinks he must let me "go" because of the age difference. He is a doc so he won't go to a doc himself. What can I do?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 July 2006): Your boyfriend has just had a terrible shock with his friend's death, and its made him think about his own mortality.
He sounds worried that if he dies you would be left alone -he's older than you. I think you have to let him know that you feel for him in his grief over his friend, and his fears about the prospect of his own death, and that you are "there" for him, but DON'T at this time, pressure him to change his mind, or show that you are heartbroken because he now says he doesn't want to get married.
Very difficult, I know, but I think he needs some time to work through this. Hopefully, he will realize he doesn't want to lose you - however, it has to be his choice.
A
female
reader, camille  +, writes (6 July 2006):
 Your 'no matter what' has to be time. The man's friend just died. I'm assuming they're of similar age? So not only will he be questioning his own mortality, but there be a sense of loss and the grieving that goes with that. He thinks he'll be leaving a young widow, but you must tell him that the sad fact of life is we could all go at any time, any age. Also, it's not just his choice to make. You want to spend your life with him no matter whether that life is 5 years or another 20! He will see this rational way of thinking when he's had the time to mourn the loss and think about mortality. Just tell him you're there for him. Maybe write him a letter. Hopefully he will come through but it could take a while. All the cliches exist cos they're true, but with his friend dying so young, surely he knows that "life's too short"?
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A
female
reader, wannadie +, writes (6 July 2006):
This man has clearly been affected by his friends death and is staring his own mortalility in the face.
He is older than you and by verbally pushing you away he is really saying " I am scared of dying, alone, pleae don't leave me."
Get firm with him. Tell him you are here for the long haul and reasure him he is still a spring chicken in your eyes.
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