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anonymous
writes: I am 20 years old and have been going out with my boyfriend for 5 years, my problem is not really our relationship because we get on fine. My real problem is that he keep photos of naked women under his bed that he gets from mens mags and news papers! I just cant stop having the urge to rip them all up, every time he goes out of the room I have to look to see what he has cut out.I am young, fit, pretty, I just dont get it!? Some of the photos aren't even nice, I mean why cut out a pic of someone uglier than your girlfriend and why have so many? Should he not have gfrown up a bit my now, he is nearly 22!Cutting a stupid little pic out of the newpaper -- how degrading to me.Our sex life is great and he admits that, we do everything the other want us to do so why the need to have a whore collection under his bed.(See how mad I get!?!?)
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 May 2008): If he knows that you know and that it upsets you, then he needs to thrown them away. If he doesn't chuck them out, then he is not repecting you. You cannot help your feelings and if you feel degraded then you feel degraded. He needs to respond to that and act on it to keep you happy if you are that important to him.
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female
reader, kissy +, writes (8 November 2005):
It's better than him cheating on you. I'm a 20 year old girl who regularly enjoys looking at all kinds of porn. I think that it makes people feel a little bit dirty when looking at, and enjoying porn. There's nothing wrong with you. And he does not need to grow up, maybe you just need to broaden your opinions of this 'sleaze'. If you're happy otherwise, whats your problem. If he really didn't fancy you, he would have left you by now. And if you rip up those images you will have even more problems. They are his property. Maybe you like sexy underwear. This is his version of sexy underwear. Most men keep porn their entire life, so if you're having problems with it now, good luck in the future love.
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A reader, Dee, writes (28 February 2005): Ha, well i think we can tell which of those answers are male or female...well i am female and i totally hear you girl..its not fun when you fall upon that kind of thing..so as a few replies have asked..does he know you know?...well girl ask him, right out or in an indirect way, bring up a total hypothetical situation say at work and tell him about it that way..see what he says..yup a mind game as some males would say but whats with the pics when you have a relationship of 5 years..ok..its not like you 2 just met and its not any of your buisness..ASK HIM and put your mind at ease...when he knows your feelings and if he does not respect that you have another question to ask!!..good luck sweety
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A reader, Glen, writes (16 February 2005): The reason your boyfriend does it is because he likes to fantacise about other women, plain and simple. The fact that he cuts pictures out and saves them in the fashion that he does...well that's kind of strange and methodical. You may be prettier than many of the other women, but a mans desires are an exotic bird that can't be defined; sometimes flaws are attractive. It sounds like you might just give your boyfriend some space to see if what he fantacises about is as good in reality, but if you think you can quench his appetite by being cute or rational; forget about that. Maybe you're just too darn cute and sweet and he dreams of something a little rough around the edges. If you were on the rough side...he'd be looking at pictures of cute sweet girls like you. That's just the way it works. I'm sure I could explain it in greater, more realistic detail but I'm afraid the reality of this situation is sometimes neither poetic or pretty. It's not always neccesary to know every atom of a situation, just the big picture is enough, and often easier on the mind. He thinks of other girls that aren't you and that don't look like you (big picture). The good news is that your sex life is good with him, so he hasn't let his obsession take him over to the point that he's not attracted to you. I guess you could always believe that he has great self control and just sees naked woman as an art form that he chooses to gallery beneath his bed and appreciate him for his uniqueness. You are both young and life will show you pictures that will eventually make those nudey pictures seem mild. Just enjoy eachother while you do and ignore the pictures...what shall be, shall be. And sure someday he may leave you for a pimply faced big butted woman with an overbite; but rest assured, in time, your pictures will be beneath his bed.
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A reader, Chris, writes (9 February 2005): Ach, he's probably being doing it since he was 14. Maybe his mother found such a stash years ago and hasn't said anything. He will grow out of it same as puting up posters of his favourite bands and not washing his bed clothes.You don't say if he knows you know about it.... he may be terribly embarrassed if he finds out. If he knows you know he can just be being stubborn and defencive.. i.e. it's his and why should you make him throw it away. There is no point in making a stand if it will be one of these 'ultimatum fights'. As I said he will just grow out of it. 22 is still very young for a guy!The best advice is not to worry about it. More guys will be more interested in 'porn' than most women. Don't let it get you mad. Don't think of it as degrading... it's more degrading to the gals in the pics to be cutout, nameless and under a bed. It's not worth the stress.
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reader, anonymous, writes (25 January 2005): Hi, I have to say, i would feel exactly the same to be honest. You dont say whether or not you have spoken to him about it, maybe he would stop if he knew you were upset by it. I think what upsets us is the thought that our fellas might be getting turned on by looking at other women.This probably isnt really good advice, but if he thinks its ok, maybe you should turn the tables and keep a few souvenirs for yourself, my guess is that he will probably have something to say about that.
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reader, Rebecca Batchelor +, writes (25 January 2005):
 In answer to your question as to why does he have to have a whore collection under his bed is quite simple: he is a man!! Men can't help but be visually stimulated unlike women who are more so turned on by emotional matters and feelings (in most cases!)I understand you feeling degraded and upset. Does he know how you feel? What does he say? How would he feel if you drooled over pics of naked men? Would that be ok? I recommend you get some! Have you asked him why he feels the need to have these pictures? He needs very much to reassure you. You are aware that you are attractive which is good but you have to realise that it isn't a competition. You are the real thing, you are his fantasy come true.Perhaps he will outgrow this need to look at porn but he may not. You may just have to accept it in order to stay with him if you want to that is. Talk to him again rather than tearing up the photos and ask him whether you fulfil all his needs. I am sure the answer will be yes but explain to him how this makes you feel and seek the reassurance that you really do require.
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female
reader, Bev Conolly  +, writes (25 January 2005):
 You get mad because you're mentally measuring each of these slips of paper against your image of you and you worry that you might not compare. But, don't forget: these are slips of paper! They're not women, they're not even girls. They're not even alive. They're paper and they're images of models that have been retouched to the Nth degree. You don't have to compare yourself to them and you don't have to get mad about them. Think instead of what's on the reverse side of the images: writing, usually. Or advertising. In other words, your boyfriend has a whole stash of selected articles and cut-outs of magazine advertising under his bed. OK, that's a bit weird, but it's not worth fidgeting over, is it? It's not degrading to you. The worst thing it is is a little bit infantile. He plays with paper dolls.If we address the issue of the hoarding, it's really not that much of a guess to say that your boyfriend likes to look at women. All kinds of women. Homely ones and comely ones and chubby ones and athletic ones. Uh huh. So? About 99.9999% of men like to look and will do so until their vision fades, their teeth fall out and they have to get around on a walking frame. Yours does it by collecting two-dimensional glossy images. Would you rather he ogled the real thing? Probably not, so pick your battles with this guy and cut him some slack. You say that you're really happy with him generally, and the sex is great, so why complain about a silly little fetish like this? If you don't try to compare yourself to slips of advertising, everybody wins.If nothing else, he's bound to outgrow the collection one day, though you're probably expecting too much of him to ask him to give up his paper dolls in the near future.
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