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female
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*eckerm
writes: Hi there. My question is this- Is it possible to still love someone but know that you probably aren't a great couple? My story is this- I have been dating a guy for 2 and 1/2 years- we live together. He is sweet, but we have nothing in common- as in I'm a democrat he's a republican, I want to get married some day, he says he never wants to, I have a bachelors, he barely made it through high school, he does drugs (nothing hard core-pot, mushrooms) and I barely drink. So how can I love this guy? I don't know why I do, but I do- he cooks me dinner almost nightly and is funny. I'm just feeling really confused- I love this guy, but I know we probably won't be happy in ten years time- hell, I'm only sort of happy now. Any advice or moral support would be awesome. Thanks
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female
reader, Bev Conolly  +, writes (18 October 2005):
 One fact that's fairly consistant about people is that they tend to become more like themselves over the years. The mildly-eccentric, middle-aged auntie becomes the Weird Cat Lady in her old age, the gruff neighbour becomes an angry loner, the mild-mannered hippie mellows until he's almost comatose.
Likewise, people in relationships tend to settle into their habits until we become almost caricatures of ourselves, for better or worse. For most couples who've been together a while, that's not such a problem, because you get used to your partner's minor quirks and learn to ignore them.
But in your situation, I can only imagine one of two outcomes. Either you're both so different that you'll get on each other's nerves until each of you wants to throttle the other (and eventually, you've very sensibly break up), or one of you will become so immune to the other's peccadilloes that you'll become one of those "how-do-they-do-it?" couples, where no one can understand the attraction.
You know your boyfriend well after this much time, and you can probably assess what the chances are of his learning to ignore your political leanings and relative straightness etc. The same can be said of him, probably.
What strikes me is that, after only 2+ years, you're already only "sort of happy". That's a pretty quick decline on the romantic scale, and frankly, kooky conversation and regular mealtimes are not what I'd choose to build a life on.
I'm not saying that your relationship is necessarily doomed, but you should probably analyse your deeper feelings about him, and about where you are in your lives right now and think about whether you're truly happy with each other. Are you sure that you're not just together because it's convenient? Or because it seems "too much trouble" to break up?
Try to imagine your dream relationship and what the man in your life would say and do and be like and work at. Then contrast that with what you have and what you can predict for your collective future. If there's a big disparity, maybe it's time to discuss this with your partner and see what you find.
Good luck.
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