A
male
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Hi, so I'm trying to get some help with my situation because I am quite confused. This might be a little long too so I apologize.Little backstory: I've met this girl in college about 2 years ago. She's since graduated and I am little less than 2 months away from my own graduation, still living in the dorm cause I have to. Age difference is she is about 3 years older. Lives about 3 hours away and is in between graduate school and career. Basically she's trying to figure out what to do with her life and is planning on moving to NY to pursue a PhD. I've only just recently gotten really close to her in that before we never really talked this frequently.Let's see, it all happened the weekend before Valentines Day where we spent a lot of time together watching movies, messing around on the computer, going for a walk, etc... Our mutual friends were always busy so really she had no choice but to spend that time with me.So two days after that she messaged me on Facebook saying she appreciated me keeping company and of course I responded casually. Then on Valentine's Day she asks me for my number as apparently I'm the only one among her friends from college whose number she doesn't have. On top of that she wished me "happy single-awareness day." Since then for about 3 weeks she texted or message me basically everyday. Sometimes it was only for maybe an hour or so but then other times it was all day long. Language was fairly playful but nothing explicitly flirtatious. Every time I would post something on facebook she would "like" it.More so, one time I was about to go out to the bar and she said, "i have a date with two guys." I responded with "oh? interesting." then go Ben and Jerry (ice cream if you didn't' catch that) and she proceeded to say, "You really thought i hate two dates? I'm the last person who'd have a date." Of course I was stupid and said, "you never know! it's possible!" Another time we talked about throwing a party for our group when she came back here and she proceeded to say how she gets cuddly when she's drunk, of course that was after I told her how stupid I act when I am. (we never really drank together).So I think it's fair to say we had (have) a connection on some level I'm just not sure where that level is.Well regardless of that, she went to NY for a couple weeks to hang out with some old friends. First week she texted me like usual but not quite as often. But from last week till about now I don't get texts or anything from her. Only really one occasion did she facebook me but that was after a day I had texted her. So for the most part I have to go out of my way to text her but are still somewhat the same as before she went to NY. We just talked all day a couple days ago so i know there's still some connection, but i dont know if that's just being friendly.She's back in her own town and is doing job applications and recovering from being sick. She plans to visit in the next few weeks and might be staying with me.So I guess my question(s) are: 1. Does she think I friend zoned her and is now trying to just get me off her mind by not really initiating contact or trying to get out of the friend zone before she comes?2. Or does she think I like her like that and so is trying to friend zone me?3. Should I just keep in contact and see what comes to fruition when I will hopefully see her in person?4. Is it a good indication that texting everyday and sometimes all day is a signal that she wants me to ask her out? 5. Is there anything I'm missing or not seeing?Also I want to say that the reason I haven't asked her out is well because I think doing it over the phone, text, facebook, any sort of medium is, well, flimsy and not really meaningful. So my whole way of going about this was to wait till she visited again but now I'm worried I missed my chance. Anything else that comes to mind would be helpful. I realize it's kind of hard to really "read" someone's mind but at least I can get a general consensus about what I'm actually dealing with. Much thanks if you made it this far!
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, R1  +, writes (28 March 2013):
 The friend zone thing means nothing. If you fancy someone them being a friend is just another plus. I imagine the problem is the distance. Wait till she visits then ask her out. Simple as that.
A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (28 March 2013):
 It sounds to me like she spent a lot of time texting/messaging you when she had the time.
Now she's busy in NYC and has other distractions, so you have fallen lower in her priority list.
It's pretty common to feel a bit unanchored after graduating and it's comforting to connect with friends from school. Once you get used to the new 'normal', and become more comfortable and less homesick, there's less need to hang onto the old patterns of friendship.
If you want to date this girl, get it set up now. Ask her out already. She's moving to NYC, and once she's established and feeling connected to people there, you will become a distant memory!
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A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (28 March 2013):
 I don't think you can call that friendzone when you had known her for two years. When you are in college your decision to date others is affected by where you will live after graduation. My definition of friendzone is that two people (never met each other) with the intention of dating, relationship, or casual sex meet at a local place, they see each other, and within minutes they either feel sparks, put the other in a friendzone or a deadzone.
I don't think it can be easy to have strong interest towards someone who's uncertain about their future. Are you close to New York? 3 hours is considered long distance.
She is older than you but for me, she is still considered young. She is constantly fishing for your reaction. It shows interest, but you never know if all she wants is a flirtationship. She may not be too keen on having a real relationshiop, but at least she wants to know if you had that in mind.
You can figure out if you can deal with a long distance relationship. A Phd degree can take anywhere from 3 years to 10 years. A lot of people will opt out of uncertainty and the insecurity of not knowing whether she will find someone there at her school.
I think it is wise to play it cool. Try not to read in between her words too much. Friends can flirt all day long for the fun of it, and nothing real has to come out of it.
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