A
male
age
36-40,
*oooldforthis
writes:Okay, so I've been dating this one girl for the past six months. She said upfront in January that she does not want anything "serious" because she is in nursing school now and is taking it very seriously. I used to think it was a bunch of bs, but she really is insanely busy during the week so we meet up pretty much once or twice on the weekends and text / call every other day or so to see how eachother are doing. I enjoy her company a whole lot, and she and I know a lot about eachother so I guess that's the whole reason why I've been keeping up with this, but I don't know what to do and I want a real relationship I guess, or at least the "fun" activities that go on when a guy and girl get together. Physical wise, I make an effort to kiss her every time I see her which we do usually at the end of the night / hug / hold hands every once and a while / do stuff couples do when out, but I want to get really physical with this girl or at least want to know what she wants. Overall, it feels like a friend zone thing but I am trying to make it very clear when I am out with this girl that I do NOT want a friend... Although, I have an amazing time with her each time I am out so that is also why I have been keeping up with this.I feel that I need to mention that prior to this girl, I have zero experience in being in a relationship, getting intimate with someone, or dating. I have only been on a handful of dates with other girls, all of which were pretty much last year in an effort to really start chasing girls since for several reasons, I was extremely unconfident before. I work by myself remotely for a company abroad, making it very difficult to meet girls or people which is why I want to keep this going because it was so hard to find someone.I am still a virgin, I've only kissed a few girls before, including this one that I am currently dating. She has only had 3 boyfriends, all very short lived so not sure where she stands on things either, or just what exactly she wants.Lil advice? Anything would be greatly appreciated, but please be nice...
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female
reader, tennisstar88 +, writes (2 September 2011):
 I can understand that. You couldn't help but take it a little bit farther because you liked her. But then again you should've understood fully what "not serious" meant. She could have been more clear on it.
Ouch, I don't think I've been that cruel with you. Just being honest! Glad to help and hear that you're not going to give up. Life knocks you down, you just give it time to lie there, then get back up again. Let me know how the next potential girlfriend goes.
A
male
reader, toooldforthis +, writes (2 September 2011):
toooldforthis is verified as being by the original poster of the questionBlah. I mean yeah, the couples stuff we did was all initiated by me - but you have to understand, I'm seriously so inexperienced with dating I've never had it any other way... Always me taking the initiative. So yeah, I hear you, but the thing was she wasn't very clear what "not serious" meant - I was under the impression we were just taking things slow and not you know, moving in together and such. Definitely not giving up, but I am extremely discouraged right now and pretty much going back into retirement for a while. I mean this was probably the most I've liked someone, so it's going to be hard to just sort of move on. This past month blew in both personal and career for me, so I really need to just try to get the wind back in my sails somehow.Thanks for the responses though, probably wouldn't have made it this far without your guidance ... even it it's a bit cruel. ;)
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A
female
reader, tennisstar88 +, writes (1 September 2011):
:( Sorry to hear that. I was shooting for me being wrong...
In her defense she did specify friends in the first place, so you can't be entirely angry with her. You chose to ignore that. However, it was taken a bit further into the couple zone with the kiss and the hand holding. If that was totally initiated by you, then you can't really blame her. Sort of walked into this friend zone and chose to ignore the signs. Can't do that, it just sets you up for disappointment in the end.
I do agree with you letting this friendship go. You want more, she doesn't, so it's going to be rather difficult to rewind and keep it as just friends on your part.
Listen, I know it hurts and sucks when you get rejected or moved into the friend zone. Does that mean you should stop trying to find what you want? To give up? NO! Throwing in the towel isn't going to make a girlfriend appear into your lap..it's not going to get you your future wife. You have to keep on trying and work at it. LISTEN to those warning signs, don't ignore them! Don't start off by trying to be a girl's friend (one you happen to be interested in), that will land you an automatic pass into the friend zone. Flirt, get to the point and tell her you're into her. She rejects, so what?? That's her problem. NEXT! You keep on going and trying till you get what you want!!!!! This applies to anything in life, really.
If it helps, take a break from trying to get a girlfriend and just do you for now. What makes you tick and happy.
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A
male
reader, toooldforthis +, writes (31 August 2011):
toooldforthis is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for the reply. Finally had this conversation last night...So, basically told her how I feel. Asked her pretty directly of where she thinks this is heading, and your'e right. She just wanted to be friends. I'm pretty miserable right now haha but yeah, bottom line is that you were right, eventually she just felt like she couldn't commit to anything as much as I would like past a friendship and thinks I am a "great guy" but is not looking forward to committing to anything and realizes if I would want to take a break and wants to stay friends... but I told her in so many words that she's been a pretty bad friend lately so I am not sure where it goes from here. Also said it would be tough as one day when she finally decides she's ready to commit to someone it would be tough for me to watch.I mean it had to end somewhere though, if she wants to be friends after this "break" - that's fine, but honestly it's probably going to have to be on her to make an effort. Whatever friendship we had going on right now has been quite lopsided for her effort. In addition I think I sort of resent her a little bit now that I know she likes me as a friend and thinks I'm a "great guy" but for whatever reason I didn't meet her qualifications for anything else. And that's in a nutshell why it's so tough for me.I appreciate the kind words but the thing is I really have taken a lot of chances but have literally been rejected or thwarted into this bs friend zone thing pretty much my entire life. Which boils down to the fact that nobody out there seems to want to consider me in more than that way.Very lost right now.
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A
female
reader, tennisstar88 +, writes (21 August 2011):
Ehhh, you're still lingering in purgatory. Either shit or get off the pot with her. If you want more with her, then ask her if it's possible to have more than just friends!! Be honest, and tell her that you've developed more than platonic feelings for her.
Truthfully, you don't know which way it could go when and if you ever have this awkward conversation. By the way, it's not awkward unless you make it awkward.
Arrange a coffee meeting again, and go out on a limb here. Let her know that you understand that she just wanted to have a friendly male companion, but like any human being you've developed more than platonic feelings for her. She can accept them or shoot you down. Either way you really have nothing to lose..only to gain.
You know the only issue I could point out on why you're having trouble with connecting, meeting women is like I've previously stated you hold yourself back..too much second guessing, and cautiousness. It's ok to be cautious, but you also have to take chances.
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A
male
reader, toooldforthis +, writes (9 August 2011):
toooldforthis is verified as being by the original poster of the questionSorry for the delayed response... your reply had me thinking for a long time about things and I wasn't quite sure how to respond. Until this novel of a post. Hope you've got your reading glasses - Status update: Stalled on having this conversation... probably not the right choice I know, but I really do like hanging out with her, but I just don't want to accept what this has become or what direction it's going to take afterward with an awkward conversation. We are going to this concert at the end of August, so I don't really want to talk to her until then. Pathetic, I know, but I really like her company and don't want to have to end this friendship (as I want a relationship with her) until then. I thought that I could live with just being friends with her, and decided to pursue other girls. The thing is though, it is hard as HELL to meet new women... This one girl I've been seeing / spending time with is the ONLY one I've been able to fully connect enough with in 3 years time. I feel like I have tired every possible parameter I can, joined tennis league mixers, volunteered this summer at the special olympics every friday, made new friends this summer, tried online dating, been out every weekend at the bars with my friends. Nothing has worked or have I met someone I like. I really am quite a social guy too.. despite how bitter / introverted I must seem in this thread. I also have a good job, am not fat, have a ton of hobbies, and don't live with my parents.So, I guess that's why I keep going back to this girl. I've got nothing better so I might as well spend some time with her as I like her. I just don't get it though, as I've tried to invite her out as a friend when out with others - (which is what I do with my friends who are girls) but she only seems to meet up with me one on one for stuff... which is why it's so confusing. She's also very nice to me at times, gives me rides to the airport for business trips and vacations, and buys me birthday dinners and things. All just very confusing. I also know that she's not been seeing anyone else or had sex or been intimate with anyone since her last boyfriend in winter 2009, so it just baffles the hell out of me.Not trying to have a pity party here, but it's really affecting my mood. It's sometimes all I think about these days - 26 been on a few dates, but never a full relationship or gotten intimate with anyone.Sorry for the long post / emo rant. I just really feel all sorts of lost right now and could use some anonymous advice. Feel like my friends' advice hasn't really helped.Thanks to anyone who read this thing...
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A
female
reader, tennisstar88 +, writes (13 June 2011):
It's understandable to get ticked when a friend bails on you, especially at the last minute. You have to keep in mind that you guys aren't an item so you can be pissed off forever. Just wait till you get the opportunity next week.
Another thing I want to point out is, it is in your cards to have a relationship. In my opinion, there's only so much of our future mapped out for us. The rest we control through our actions and decisions. If you want a relationship then go out and get one.Figure out what you want in a girl. Find one who definitely has time for a relationship. Be honest about your virginity.You got to take a risk and put yourself out there. I honestly think you're holding yourself back too much.
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A
male
reader, toooldforthis +, writes (13 June 2011):
toooldforthis is verified as being by the original poster of the questionDidn't even end up meeting today! She bailed on our coffee plans and instead saw a movie with her mom! Was going to meet me tonight for dinner but decided she had too much school stuff to do :)
I had stuff going on today too, but that just really pisses me off. Fuel for the fire before this awkward convo takes place, which will now probably not even happen until next weekend.
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A
male
reader, toooldforthis +, writes (12 June 2011):
toooldforthis is verified as being by the original poster of the questionAgain, thanks for the reply. Going to meet up with her tomorrow for coffee... been sort of stalling meeting up with her since I really needed to think about how to approach this.
I mean the hardest thing about this situation, and what it boils down to, is me having to settle in being friends with this girl. I want more than that, but given my track rating with meeting girls and dating; I just don't know if that's meant to be in the cards for someone like me to have anything more than "being friends" with girls I like and establishing a real relationship... Which is actually what I want I think.
Will post later.
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A
female
reader, tennisstar88 +, writes (12 June 2011):
Lol, dear you have to KNOW what you want!
FWBs and an actual relationship are complete bipolar opposites. From your post, starting a FWBs at this point would do more harm than good. You already like her. When you have a FWBs, you're only sexually attracted to the person, that's it. No emotions, or attachment in any way..Just purely physical. I really advise against a FWBs with this girl.
Of course nothing is going to be the same that's the point of the convo! You're tired of being confused about what exactly is it that you have. You need to get out of this murky gray area you're in. I mean having the conversation is better than staying in limbo for however long. Let me know how it goes when you do talk to her.
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A
male
reader, toooldforthis +, writes (8 June 2011):
toooldforthis is verified as being by the original poster of the questionAfter thinking about your question though "what is it that you want?" I think that what it is that I want is a FWB or real relationship, if I had to settle with being friends with her that would be fine, but I think after this conversation takes place nothing will be the same as it once was so that's why I'm reluctant to do this.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (8 June 2011): Thanks for the reply. I don't want to accept that we're just "friends" though, but might be the hard but honest truth.
BLAH.
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A
female
reader, tennisstar88 +, writes (8 June 2011):
What exactly is it that you want?? A relationship? A FWB is NOT the same as a relationship. It's just casual sex with no feelings.
Non-serious is friends or FWBs. Think about it you two hang out when it is permitted which isn't much and do things that couples do but you're not an item. You're friends.
You do HAVE to talk to her, or keep on being confused about what you two do or don't have. The next time you're able to see her just sit her down and ask her what is this between you two. You know that she said nothing serious but tell her to you it seems like a pseudo relationship minus intimacy and the title.
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A
male
reader, toooldforthis +, writes (7 June 2011):
toooldforthis is verified as being by the original poster of the questionthanks for the response, and I need to be clear though that did listen to her... but I still don't get this "non-serious" shit. I am not sure that "non-serious" means the same to every girl or guy. I mean yes, I understand that she doesn't want to be in a conventional, day to day relationship due to her busy lifestyle, but in my mind this "non-serious" thing is exactly what we've established going out one on one doing dating stuff when we have time to meet up ... but the issue with that is that we have not gotten physical at besides kissing all which is the core of what I just do not understand. I need to talk to her I guess.If she wants to be friends, fine. But I can't keep going on with her like this though... Not sure how to phrase "I want to take things to the next level or have a friends with benefits thing with you, are you down?!" ;) ... I need to talk with her though, you are right, but I just don't know how to approach it.
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A
female
reader, tennisstar88 +, writes (7 June 2011):
Your problem is you have to actually listen to what the girls say. Women mean what they say, they're not bullshitting you. Nursing school is extremely involving..what medical career isn't??
No matter how much you like this girl so far, if a girl tells you she doesn't want anything serious and you're looking for a relationship then walk away from her. It's not going to turn out how you want it to.
The problem is you don't even know what you have with her, there hasn't been anything established. You need to COMMUNICATE with her, get on the same page. If she tells you two are just friends, and she doesn't anything more then you need to let her be. Why keep on being friends with her and hoping to be promoted to boyfriend status? It doesn't work that way.
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A
male
reader, toooldforthis +, writes (7 June 2011):
toooldforthis is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks very much for the response. You're probably right and that I need to talk to her about it, but I'm afraid that the outcome would jeopardize whatever it is that we've established. It's just hard because I do enjoy her company very much, and I think it's the same for her... but, I don't know if she doesn't want a relationship / anything physical with the school excuse; or if she just doesn't want anything like that with ME. If I were to end whatever we've got going and catch up with her in six months to see she has a real boyfriend it would probably devastate me.I suppose that it can't go on forever like this, so it has to end one way or another, sooner or later. I'm feeling really down from this though, I thought things would have gone one way or another by now. I think the reason why I'm taking this so personally is because something similar has happened before in a past dating experience (much more short lived though) :( :( :(
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A
female
reader, tennisstar88 +, writes (7 June 2011):
Then you're wasting your time with her. You want an actual relationship that she can't give you due to her busy lifestyle.
She specified from the get go she didn't want anything "serious" and you agreed. So you're basically settling for less than what you want. I don't call holding hands and kissing serious. I've held hands with my friends, and kissed them on the lips (male and female). At the most you're at friendly companion.
Why don't you try talking to her and seeing where she is at with you two? If this is nothing but a friendship for her or maybe it can be more?
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A
male
reader, toooldforthis +, writes (6 June 2011):
toooldforthis is verified as being by the original poster of the questionblah. WHY DOES SHE JUST WANT A FRIENDSHIP!??? I mean she's in school and I get that, which is why I want to give her space. I don't frankly understand it though, I mean she knows that I like her in a non friendship way. If she wanted to be just friends, then why not be just that - friends and reject me when I try to kiss her and hold her hand and such and just let me know what she is thinking.
More than anything this is very frustrating as I already have quite a few girls who are friends. At this stage I need something more, and I don't quite understand what the difference is when having someone you are dating and just a friendship.
I've been rejected when I was younger and relegated to the friend zone, which was very devastating to me and I guess the reason why I don't want to accept it for this one. It's almost a cosmic joke for me that all the girls I like in a romantic way only like me as a friend, and all the girls that like me romantically I am not into and only like as friends.
Thanks for the reply but I'm still not sure about what to do with this. I like her as a friend, but it is torturous to want something more and not getting it. I would pursue other women, but there aren't many options for me at the moment and it is hard as hell for me to meet someone.
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A
female
reader, tennisstar88 +, writes (6 June 2011):
Let me say this when a girl says what she wants upfront she means what she says. Don't question otherwise. When women say "I don't want anything serious" it means she wants either a friendship or to have a no strings attached deal.
Since you two haven't been intimate at all in the past 6 months, you two are just friends. Haven't messed around nothing??
First you two have to get on the same page. Ask her exactly what this is, a friendship, friends with benefits? Reason being is you don't want to go in for the kill only to get rejected. If she says you're just friends, then leave it at that and start looking for a different woman to pursue. Now if she doesn't specify or is a bit clueless herself, then make it known that you're sexually attracted to her. Be honest, tell her it's your first time. Chances are she's not going to care.
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