A
female
age
51-59,
*upersofi
writes:I am in a new relationship for just over a month. My problem is very complicated...we are both in recovery from an addiction. He has 17 years while I have less than a year, which means that our relationship would be disapproved of so must be kept secret. This means that we cannot be seen together, so don't actually go anywhere together.We spend Friday night and Saturday together, then I hear nothing from him all week, not even a simple text message which makes me feel unwanted, as if our relationship isn't real. And yet, I don't know if I am asking too much. Because we have only been together a short time is this what a relationship meant to be like. Is this what is healthy? I don't know, so I really need help. I don't know what is normal and what is addictive in a relationship.He is very good for my recovery in other ways, such as my behaviour and self growth in other areas.Because we don't go out anywhere, there is no real fun in the relationship. As a recovering person, I know that there are certain immature behaviours that I need to change and yet these behaviours still attract me and seem like fun, because of this I'm finding myself hanging out with a guy who is the same of length of time in recovery as myself. He acts in those mischevious childish ways and feels like me about me about recovery, it is new it is special, it is amazing. Simple things like being sober, being off the cigarettes etc cause such a feeling of excitement. I know that I am in a relationship and that the person that I am with is good for me apart from the amount of time I don't see him but I'm finding myself attracted to this other guy who is only a short time around like me.Please help, and please don't give me the routine answer of you shouldn't be in a relationship at this stage of recovery.Thanks for your help :-)
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female
reader, supersofi +, writes (7 July 2011):
supersofi is verified as being by the original poster of the question I just want to say thank you to the two people who answered me. I was very uncomfortable with the fact that our relationship is hidden. I went along with it because he is in recovery so many years and know he would be talked about. But if he finds it ok to be in a relationship with me, he should also be able to face the consequences, after all enough happens in life for the talking not to last to long.
Thanks for the clarification, my gut was telling me that this wasn't right but I wasn't sure if it was correct.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (6 July 2011): OK. There is alot in here that I want to answer so I will try and do so in stages.
Firstly, it is not healthy to keep a relationship secret. So people will have their opinions, and...? You have to get over this. Is it his idea to keep things secret? If so then be wary of this man, he may not be that in to the whole idea of being in a relationship with you (sorry).
I would like to comment on your membership to a recovery group, I am presuming you mean AA or NA? I went to NA for years and had a pretty bad experience there. I have not seen many relationships between two people in the fellowship work out pretty well as there appears to be 'rules' and all that stuff of putting your recovery first. You will always be 2nd in a guys life if he is in recovery, meetings, helping newcomers always comes first.
In hindsight i wish i had dated people outside the fellowship as the fellowship should only be used for you to stay clean and sober and not as a social club or to make friends or find partners. Where i lived it was used for all those things, it was very unhealthy.
I would suggest you date outside the fellowship. Men in recovery often have multiple issues to - they have anger issues, some have been abused and they often have issues with intimacy and sex. I met alot who had sex addictions.
Sorry to sound negative, but I would not waste my time with men in recovery. I was in NA for 10 years and i dated some real losers, wasted my time. My life began again when I left. I just dont think you should waste any more time, particularly at your age and i expect you have already wasted alot of years drinking/using drugs. I did.
Good luck.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 July 2011): I think that above all else, you need to make sure you are being taken care of ... by yourself!! You are keeping your relationship a secret - I assume this means from people helping you in your recovery? Why? Don't hide it! If they don't approve, there's probably very good reason and you should at least trust the people that are close to you in your recovery for guidance, not us here in cyber-world! It's not a matter of saying that you shouldn't be in a realtionship ... but you should be talking about it with people that know where you're at because your situation IS a complicated one with much at stake!
Having said all that, in terms of the relationship, men can have sex and walk away quite easily - I think Charlie Sheen said it best when asked why, as a good-looking, rich, successful actor (this was years before all the craziness), he paid prostitutes for sex; he said - "I don't pay them for sex, I pay them to leave afterwards." While you may be thinking about him all week, that he doesn't even send you a text message to say hello is quite plain - he's not thinking of you. He could see you if he wanted. He could call. He could send an sms to say "I'm thinking about you". If he's just there when sex is on the table, you're someone he's having sex with so he can easily walk away. Which is why I think, if you are still recovering and emotionally fragile, you'll need to be honest with those around you supporting you because they're the ones that will be around if it all goes south and you're left feeling unhappy and tempted by addiction again. Just remember that your recovery support people may not agree with you being in a relationship, but you should still be honest and tell them about it so they can prepare themselves to support you if need be.
All the best. :)
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