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female
,
anonymous
writes: Need help and guidence from anyone who has been in a similar sitation and can help me make my decision...I have the hardest decision in the world to make and I need to make it soon as I don't want to have this hanging round my neck any longer...I have been with my husband for 4.5 years, married for just over 3 years. After we met things seemed to move very quickly, mainly due to circumstances but also due to feelings. Within 6 months we were living together, 6 months later we moved into a jointly owned property and 3 months after that we got married. We had quite a few issues, but both beleived that this was our destiny and were both caught up in the whirlwind. Anyway to cut a long story short, 2 weeks before the wedding I had major doubts, my partner convinced me that it was right, so I went ahead with the wedding. Then after the wedding I felt really down and sought councilling, which then led to my husband and I having couples councilling just 6 months after being married! Anyway that seemed to sort things out and so, several months later we decided to have a baby! We now have a 16 month old todler who is absolutely fantastic and we both love him very much, however I don't feel very close to my husband and I don't think I love him anymore or if indeed I ever did! Despite the fact that he is trying really hard to please me, I just don't know if he is the right person for me to be with and this is effecting how I act towards him. I have been feeling like this for about 7 months and feel emotionally shattered and need to resolve this issue as I am worried that I may become depressed. I don't feel comfortable having any form of physical contact with him, even a peck and a cuddle is difficult for me and he is constantly looking for reassurance from me asking if I love him and if he is my best friend, I don't want to hurt him, but by the same token, I don't want to lye to him either. I know that life on my own with a small child will be difficult however I don't want to stay with him because it is the easier option.Anyway my question to anyone who is still reading is this.... should I call it a day now or not? Will I ever get feelings of love back? Will he ever make me happy?
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female
reader, snowbird  +, writes (10 July 2006):
 Hi there,
If my experience is of any value to you (though I am not a trained counsellor, so don't know how much weight it carries)- I hope that I can help you by telling you about my marriage and you can, of course decide whether it applies to your situation:
Firstly, I met him at the age of 17, having only had one real boyfriend. I could'nt wait to get away from home and my violent father who seemed to blame me for his ill health. Within the following 9 months I had become pregnant and due to family pressure (I could'nt have gone home!); married and for a short time, (due for the most part, to the novelty) - I think - imagined myself to be happy, this dissolved into 'not happy, but content(?)'; which lasted 20 or so years. I now see, in retrospect, with each decade that passed, these feelings went gradually downhill, I had another son who had ill health all his childhood - which meant I could'nt go out to work, but devoted all my time to the children (whom I loved dearly) whilst my husband pursued his own interests, i.e; (no.1, football no.2,his Mother, no. 3 his business, no.4 the dog 5, the kids, 6-the cat 7- me(-if I was lucky?)
Throughout this time I was glad of a hug or any form of attention, he always bought me flowers and never forgot my birthday, so I saw those as compensations, but they took the place of real affection, empathy and support for me. As far as he was concerned I was never a match for his sacred mother- who did her level best to ensure the status quo was maintained..So on and so forth until I reached the grand age of 50 - WATERSHED!!- I left him, have now found a wonderful new man who has shown me what I have been missing and now I know what love really IS, I have never looked back!! My ex was not a bad man entirely, just not a family man. My only regret is that I did'nt make a decision SOONER. So all I have to say is, think long and hard - imagine how the future is going to be if you stay, when the children have flown the nest. A short holiday - just the two of you with no distractions - to jog your memory as to what made the two of you fall for one another in the first place - may help. You need to be able to see it from an objective point of view, and take it from there...I wish you well - it is a tough call, especially as you have the children to consider. They automatically tend to assume that it is somehow their fault, because they have been 'bad children' but if you do decide to part, make sure that they have no concerns re that, and keep it calm for their sakes, as there is nothing more damaging for them than to hear their parents arguing..good luck, I do realise that this is my personal story and you have your own, but I hope this has helped you in some way. I'd like to hear how you go on..(Sorry this is such a long one!)
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 July 2006): Please give it another try. You said you had counselling before and it made a difference, perhaps you need someone else to help you communicate, perhaps you need to realise that the heady new love you felt at the beginning was just that. All love settles down and is less exciting after a while. Did you loose a bit of yourself when you married, do you have a mild case of post natal depression. You need to talk to someone about all this.Please give it another try, you have a son who would much rather grow up with two parents, andif you don't work out what has gone wrong in this relationship you may find yourself repeating the pattern with someone else.It sounds as though your husband is a good but worried man, you owe it to both of you to be careful about your next move. Good luck.
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