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anonymous
writes: I have been with my boyfriend for several years and it has been my first serious relationship. While he seems to think we'll be together forever, I've always had my doubts and am not so certain that he is 'the one'. Everything is fine and I love him but I have a gut feeling that he isn't the person I want to spend the rest of my life with. I've felt this way for a long time but seem unable to make a decision about whether to stay with him because there isn't actually anything specific wrong with our relationship and he is so good to me. In addition, I recently met a guy who seemed really interested in me. He gave me his number and I've spoken to him on the phone and he wants to take me out but I don't know what to do. Part of me wants to not tell him I have a boyfriend just so I can experience what it could be like with someone else, but that could mean cheating on my boyfriend which I don't want to do. But if I tell him I'm still with someone he won't be interested and I'll be no further in finding out whether to stay with my boyfriend. Does the fact that I've considered being with someone else show that I should leave my boyfriend? Or should I stay with my boyfriend because he does make me happy even though I don't know if I want to be with him always? Reply to this Question
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female
reader, Bev Conolly  +, writes (16 January 2005):
 Hi there,If this is your first serious relationship, it's really quite natural that you'd be curious about what it's like to date other men, before you settle down forever with your current b/f. And I can understand your conundrum over breaking up or staying on, simply because you're not uncomfortable with the way you two are now.But if you cast your mind forward a few years, say, five years, do you still see yourself with your current boyfriend? Do you picture yourselves married, or even still together as a couple? This can be a starting place for you to consider what to do next.The fact that you're having doubts about your relationship now suggests that if you don't do some exploration eventually, in the future you'll begin to feel more resentment toward your current boyfriend, simply because of this situation, and wondering whether you missed out on something important. You've been together for a long time, and you don't have any other experiences to draw on, as to whether your relationship is excellent, poor, or somewhere in between. You don't say how old you are now, or when you started dating your b/f, but people's interests and personalities do mature and change with time, particularly in the late teens and early twenties. It's not unusual to feel less strongly about someone at 22 than you did when you were 17.You seem to be an articulate and thoughtful person, and I'm sure you can tell where my advice is leading. Not that you have to drop your boyfriend like a hot potato, but that you should level with him about your feelings. Explain, just as you've done with your letter, that you love him, but you've also changed in the years you've been together. You would hate to spend the rest of your lives together and feel like you never knew anything else, and that you think it would be smart for both of you to date other people for a while. You would already know that dating this new interest whilst still technically "with" your current b/f (and without telling him) would cause more problems than it would solve, so I don't have to tell you that that's not the way to do this.Be prepared for your b/f to be hurt when you tell him about this. He will be, as you would be, if the shoe were on the other foot. Also be prepared for the real chance of seeing him dating other people, too. But in the long run, it will be better to have this chance to explore now, rather than spend years and years wondering... and then breaking his heart because you decided that he isn't 'the one'. If you're meant to be, you'll get back together again. Eventually.
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