A
female
age
30-35,
*rincesskatee
writes:Just so some people don't call me desperate I just wanna make it clear that I'm asking for advice on this issue because I'm super confused. I'm not in love with this guy or am I heart broken, just plain old confused by it. Anyway, I met this guy through people at work months ago. We talked twice then never again. Two weeks ago he expressed interst in me to a co worker and I was given his number. We talked non stop for 2 days and hung out 2 weeks ago. We talked again after the first time we hung out and then hung out again this past weekend. Everything seemed great and he mentioned a few times about starting a relationship and he couldn't believe how much he liked me already. 2 days ago we just stopped talking out of the blue. I texted him yesterday and no response still. I'm just confused as to why he expressed so much interest of he's really not into it at all. I know I shouldn't text him again and if he doesn't text me ever again to just forget about it. But any advice\opinions are appreciated. Thank you!
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female
reader, princesskatee +, writes (19 August 2013):
princesskatee is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks everyone for your input. Just an update, after a while he texted me yesterday just a hey. We had a half a**ed convo and he just stopped answering. Whatever.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (15 August 2013): People get busy! It isn't possible to keep up constant contact, constantly. I get that way too with my friends and relationships. Sometimes I go silent for weeks and it isn't because I have lost interest in someone but simply because I got busy with work or other friends. I have been thankful when guys didn't freak out at my silence and just emailed or called me again to reconnect and then I did. I dunno maybe they were anxious the whole time and playing it cool? I dunno. Other times I reinitiate contact, it goes both ways. I just know to not read too much into it when someone suddenly goes silent especially if up til then there had been a lot of contact. Some times people just need to catch up on other parts of their life, there are only so many hours in a day.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (15 August 2013): Men are strange creatures about our feelings. Women get so confused trying to figure us out. We seem so into them one minute, and so distant the next. You wonder what the hell is going on?
Men prefer to be the pursuers in most relationships. There are lots of guys who like aggressive women; but generally men are the pursuers.
You described how he sent his number. You talked and hung-out together. He discussed his interest in a relationship, and so on.
Well, that doesn't mean he is in a "relationship" yet. That's a touchy word. You say it around a woman, and they immediately start programming their thoughts in the "present."
Men are speaking in the "future," when ever they bring up any discussion about relationships or marriage. At this point, he is expressing his "interest." He has not made up his mind. He has no obligation to followup with you daily. He is merely expressing his interest for the moment.
He is developing an attraction. His options are still wide open.
This is where you lay back, and go about your life as usual.
Don't call or text him. Just go silent.
Allow him to miss you.
Don't seem too anxious to hear from him. You've been busy all this time. Sound a little unmoved when he calls. If he sends a text, allow a time-gap before you respond. Make him "anxious."
You said not to call you desperate. Wonder why you said it first?
Let's not call you desperate, let's say a little "anxious."
Your senses are in high alert. A man has shown you interest, and you're a single woman. Sweetie, I'm gay. We share something in common when it comes to this situation.
I have an advantage. I know how both sides think. So humor me for the moment. I'm on your side. I like your post.
He "will" call you again. He just doesn't want you to get too, shall we say, "anxious." So play it cool.
You've gotten his attention. He is going about his life as usual, and he's letting you know that you haven't snagged him yet. He's still single and available. He will decide when he's ready to change his status. Not one millisecond before that.
Ladies tend to get ahead of the game; because you think in terms of relationships and commitment. We men see commitment as giving up our freedom. We can no longer have random sex, and we give up all the habits of a bachelor.
We will lose closet space, and beer nights with the boys.
He has to decide if the chemistry is there, whether you can hold his interest for an extended period, if you are girlfriend material, if you come off too needy, can he be himself, or does he have to behave a certain way around you,
and how his friends will like you. The range of your temper.
Then there is your past he has to consider. Do you have some creepy guy still snooping around. Are you desperate to buy a wedding dress; and do you constantly bring up marriage every-time he takes you out?
Are all your friends and sisters married?
Will she past the ultimate test? Will Mama like her???
You aren't going near his sainted mother; unless you are well-behaved. If she doesn't like you, you're dead in the water. If she likes you, it will scare the hell out of him.
While a woman will consider a third date " being in a relationship;" a man is still processing whether he is even ready. If it might be you, or someone else in mind.
It takes months to come to this conclusion. If women understood this, a lot more lasting matches would be made. They kill it before it starts by jumping the gun; using that old "sh*t or get off the pot" threat. Withholding sex, or threatening to breakup.
Funny, he didn't know there was a relationship to breakup.
Well, if you're that anxious, and he doesn't have a right to process you before he gives up his freedom, you're free to find someone else. Not directly at you. Speaking in general terms.
Men aren't listening to your biological clock. We don't care about how ready you are for the alter. Least of all, we don't care about your negative opinions about how men feel about commitment. We're talking about our freedom. We'll settle down when we're good and ready.
There are plenty of guys who want commitment. There are too many "desperate" women, who aren't desperate. Then lets call it "anxious" or "eager" to have a committed relationship.
They want a boyfriend, fast forward...husband.
If women took more time to process, they'd duck a lot of bad choices. Guys are chameleons or shape-shifters. They can change into anything you want. That's how you get fooled by the wrong guys. I should include us gay men. We get the same thing. He's never as great as we thought.
We handle it differently. We're dealing with other guys.
I know this is a lot to read. I want to give you and other ladies some insight, that might save you a little trouble, and teach you how to handle those "anxious moments." Maybe clear the confusion.
The more you pressure a guy, the more likely you will awaken his primitive "fight or flight" instinct. Men value their freedom, and instinctively desire having random sex-partners. So he is going to stay a safe distance; so he has a head-start, if he has to run.
Men are not all that into text messaging. During courtship ritual, he'll do it to woo you. He knows you expect it. He'll stop if you demand it. No one likes bossy.
Perhaps to women, messaging reinforces the fact he sets you above any other ladies in his life. You want to always be on his mind. You are on his mind. Just don't get on his nerves.
Okay, you're armed and dangerous. Don't play hard to get.
That was done before the 21st century. Just let him pursue you, we have the instinct to hunt. You're precious game.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (15 August 2013): I am a guy I don't know why we do what we do. Maybe limiting the supply of you will increase your demand.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (15 August 2013): There is obviously something going on with him and maybe something personal in his life that could be keeping him from getting in touch with you. Maybe he has issues with getting close. But he seemed very comfortable with you so it is kind of confusing. If you have a chance you should confront him and just ask him if everything is okay. It doesn't sound like you are needy or pushy. You also mentioned that he wanted to start a relationship and he really seemed into you. Guys are funny that way. I got stood up by a guy who did the same thing. He was all excited about getting together and made plans for the both of us and then doesn't show up for our date and I never heard from him again. So you are looking for answers. Just be sure he is not married or anything. He may have changed his mind, but that doesn't help you and you may need some closure. If he doesn't text you back then I would just move on. It's heartbreaking to think that someone shows signs ofinterest and then stops speaking to you without any kind of explanation. Hopefully he will realize how this effected you. Hope this was helpful.
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