A
female
age
41-50,
*FXmom
writes:I have a very good friend that is a single dad. He has 2 children (boy aged 11, and girl aged 4). While he is a good dad. I'm a bit concerned, and don't know how to make him understand my points of view. His son is add, and is emotionally withdrawn. To get him to spend time with his father willingingly is like pulling teeth. He loves his dad, but he doesn't think his dad wants him around. Which leads to this...He dotes on his 4 year old daughter wayyyyy to much. He's just put her in her own bed at his house (only because I told him it's not right..a 4 yr old sleeping with her father), she still uses a potty ring to use the bathroom with him watching over her (she's perfectly capable on her own), and he waites on her hand and foot. Something could be in complete reach to her, and he trips over himself to get it for her. She has no sence of independance, and not to mention the 4 yr old has a bed time of 8-9 (cause he only gets to see her every other weekend, and wants to spend as much time with her as possible so keeps her up late), and the 11 yr old son goes to bed between 11-12 midnight. Wayyyyyyy to late! He's convinced that he's doing it all right. He has no problem speaking to his son in a firm tone to correct him when he does wrong, but when his daughter does wrong, he gives excuses after excuses "she's only 4, she's just tired, "well what about the other child", " I only get to see her every other weekend, I don't want to get after her just because..." I've told him that due to the fact he only sees her every 2nd weekend, that's more reason to be consistant, and structured and firm with her...teach her, otherwise he'll have problems with her when she gets older. He thinks he need to be their friend. Am I wrong to think that he needs to be more of a parent (and tell him)???? (By the way...I'm a mother of 2 children both boys 11, and 6 with bed times of 7-7:30PM and 9 PM respectively. Both boys have been raised to be very close, and have a sence of self and independence.) Reply to this Question
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female
reader, HFXmom +, writes (25 January 2009):
HFXmom is verified as being by the original poster of the questionCerberus...no worries. I didn't take offense to that at all. I totally got your point. Just trying to see it from both sides of the coin. You know...playing devils advocate with myself....LOL But hey, this is an open advise forum...I asked for an honest response from anyone who reads this. I can't disrespect honesty. :o)
A
reader, anonymous, writes (25 January 2009): Sorry if you took it that way but I wasn't saying you were too strict, I would never presume to tell a person how to raise their kids, I meant no offense at all, I was just trying to make a "how would you feel?" point.
I hope you understand that I would never criticise someone for caring too much about their and their friends kids.
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A
female
reader, HFXmom +, writes (25 January 2009):
HFXmom is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks pvtguy. I have already offered to do parenting classes with him (as lucky as I am with my children...as a parent - there is always room for improvement. There is no such thing a perfect parent, or child). Unfortunately there are none being offered in the evenings. :o( However..I'm looking into parenting videos from the local library. Thanks!
Cerberus....Thanks for your input too. I've talked in great lengths with him, and made sure he understood that by no means am I criticizing him, as aside from what I wrote, I think he's a wonderful father. Just too leanient. He knows and understands that. No he's not abusive in anyway, and I did question wether or not it's b/c I feel so strongly on how children should be raised. Spoiling children is not good for them though. If you let them get away with the wrongs b/c you're only a part time parent, it makes it harder for the full time parent to right those wrongs. "Well how come daddy let's me get away with it, but you don't?". Thank you on the compliment. And I have questioned myself if I'm too strict with them by times. However I am reassured by friends and family that and both mother and father to my children...I'm on the right path. I also have a terrific relationship with my kids, so I must be doing something right. :o)
Thanks again for your imput guys! I appreciate it. :o)
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 January 2009): You seem very judgmental. You should probably mind your own business.
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A
female
reader, HFXmom +, writes (25 January 2009):
HFXmom is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks pvtguy. I have already offered to do parenting classes with him (as lucky as I am with my children...as a parent - there is always room for improvement. There is no such thing a perfect parent, or child). Unfortunately there are none being offered in the evenings. :o( However..I'm looking into parenting videos from the local library. Thanks!
Cerberus....Thanks for your input too. I've talked in great lengths with him, and made sure he understood that by no means am I criticizing him, as aside from what I wrote, I think he's a wonderful father. Just too leanient. He knows and understands that. No he's not abusive in anyway, and I did question wether or not it's b/c I feel so strongly on how children should be raised. Spoiling children is not good for them though. If you let them get away with the wrongs b/c you're only a part time parent, it makes it harder for the full time parent to right those wrongs. "Well how come daddy let's me get away with it, but you don't?". Thank you on the compliment. And I have questioned myself if I'm too strict with them by times. However I am reassured by friends and family that and both mother and father to my children...I'm on the right path. I also have a terrific relationship with my kids, so I must be doing something right. :o)
Thanks again for your imput guys! I appreciate it. :o)
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reader, anonymous, writes (24 January 2009): This is a hard one because what you think is helpful advice he see's as criticism and he's kinda right.
Is he physically, emotionally or mentally abusing them in any way? or is that he's just not raising them how you think all kids should be raised?
His situation is very different to yours and seeing as he can't be their full time parent he feels the need to spoil them a bit and he's right. They do have consistency in their lives a loving father they see every 2nd weekend, of course he's gonna dote on the girl she's his "babygirl" after all. His babygirl he only gets to see twice a month.
Congratulations on having two well disciplined happy boys your obviously doing a good job, how would like someone telling you that you're being too strict and that you could be "more" of a parent by cutting them some slack?
Try to imagine yourself in his position and then leave him to it, he sounds like he's doing the best he can in his situation.
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