A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Is it possable to not be able to fall in love when i go out with friends they all look at girls and say how hot they think they are but when i look i just see another person no diffrent from the rest i have never seen a girl or guy that i have had any thort about what so ever i seem to look at other people and think the same as i think if i looked at a wall i have had 2 girlfriends and they said they were in love with me and i thort with time i would start to feel anyhing but it never happend i have tryed dating sites and lookin at profiles of loads of diffrent people i still do not think of anything Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (7 February 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for your advice.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (7 February 2011): Are you talking about sexual attraction and desire too?
If you're only talking about love, then love can ages to develop. If you're saying that you just don't find people sexually attractive then you may be asexual. Asexuality is more common than you think.
If you're on any medication for any kind of condition then you should check with your doctor to see if it diminishes that kind of thing.
Again it's possible you're just asexual, go see your doctor. It's always the best idea when you feel there's something unusual going on, you may have a hormone imbalance etc.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (7 February 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for your advice you have gave me alot to think about as i do not have many friends as they all drifted away with time it is nice to talk to someone and get somemoe eles point of view on thinks
thanks for your time
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A
female
reader, Abella  +, writes (7 February 2011):
 You are concerned that you may not be able to fall in love. Yet you may already have felt love but not been willing to let go enough to let it flower. Or felt too self conscious to pursue a person of interest to you. You may have higher expectations or standards and have not yet the ideal 'one' you are aiming for. There can be many variables.
The Articles in DC may even reveal more clues. Especially on flirting. Subtle flirting (not smutty snide uncalled for remarks) is a very important strategy for a man to employ, when he is looking out for the 'one'
Other variables that can sabotage your efforts to find the 'one' may be: That your personality may be more reserved than usual and that could give the wrong impression and push away a potential 'one' for you.
And if you don't allow yourself enough opportunities to meet new people and keep an eye out for the potential 'one' then you are less likely to recognise the 'one' when they cross your path. And if you do not ask them out for a coffee or lunch etc then you will never get to know them in any case.
A woman loves it when a man takes the initiative and does the asking.
It is not failure if you have not yet found someone who you feel love for, nor perhaps passion. Circumstances. Not in the right place at the right time. The people you've had the chance to meet may not be people you click with. Or you did not have a lot in common with the people you did meet. Or you went out with partners who professed to like you a lot, but you were not as sure that you felt the same way. Greater natural reserve on your part. Some people find going on holidays relaxes them enough to drop their natural reserve enough to fall in love.
Possibly while so many romances start on cruises - since relaxing is the only thing people can do, And that leads to people falling in love. Sounds a cliche, but it's true. To fall in love you need regular contact so that the love can evolve and grow naturally. Same reason people often fall in love in work places.
Love does not have cut off dates. You could fall in love for the first time at 16 or 46 or 76. People fall in love and marry at all ages. In three months I am attending a wedding where the bachelor groom will be 42 and the spinster bride will be 34. The couple are well matched, highly educated and very happy that they met each other last year. And so peaceful and happy in each others company. Both have had a few relationships that failed and never ended in marriage, but they learnt a little more about themselves as a result of each one. But each knew this one was 'different'.
It is likely that you will meet the 'one' eventually. To help you recognise 'one' when you finally meet the 'one' i suggest that you write out the character traits, values and attitudes and outlook that you would most admire and most desire in your 'one'. Note not the looks of the person. Looks fade. But character remains. Character is enduring and will keep you in love if you choose wisely.
When your friends sit watching/ogling women they are not feeling 'love,' they are feeling 'lust'. Quite different. Lust is often just a hope, rarely fulfilled. If you are not a man who objectifies attractive women who walk past then you get a star. Think of lust as the fire from striking a match. Immediate, but fleeting, over in a second.
Passion is a different matter. Often a man feels great passion for a woman. But that does not mean he will go on to love her and stay with her.
But he may well enjoy great passionate lovemaking with her, especially if he is a normally passionate man in other parts of his life. Think of passion as an explosive fireworks in the sky. Is huge, stays there for a while, but ends, longer than a match, but still comes to an end.
Memorable, but does not last. A person could be passionate about a football team, or about breeding a blue rose. Passionate people are willing to put lots of emotion and effort into the task.
Have you felt great emotion seeing your team win? That's passion.
Love is more tender. Builds more slowly. Lasts longer. Can start slowly, builds more and more. True love endures. Think of it as a fire in an English Aga stove. Can stay warm a long time. Just needs a little fuel added from time time. Enduring. Reliable.
Have you ever had a small animal you cared for. Stroked. Felt was very special to you? That can be love.
There are many different things we can love.
In some cultures there is a belief that love grows only after the couple have been well matched for combatability before the wedding. And then the couple meet at their wedding. And grow to love each other over the decades to come.
In the west there are many misguided people who think intercourse is love. Of course that is not true. Intercourse may just be lust. Or it may be passion. But unless it is part of a committed ongoing respectful relationship then the intercourse is not love.
We can form many different love relationships. If love is lacking in a childhood it can make it harder to recognise love when it arrives. But we can love a friend as a friend. We can love a child as a parent or grandparent. We can love a sibling as a sibling. We can love a job, a hobby, a pet.
The first people we usually love are family. But some parents and some families are emotionally distant. This can make it harder for a child to accept that love and loving are normal. Some families are antagonistic towards being loving and may make fun of every show of emotion. So hugs are none existent. Kisses rarely happen. Tenderness is absent.
Whereas some families are so huggy and all encompassing with warmth and love. So there are no bans on touching, kissing, crying, laughing.
Romantic love for another human being. Romantic love is what we associate with St Valentine's day, hearts and love songs and the passionate love that can lead to two people wanting to be together all the time.
I think of true love as calm and peaceful. Two people in love can sit on the edge of the lake, holding hands, watching leaves float by, and not say a word, and feel as one. An hour together feels like a fleeting minute.
Whereas two people not in love, made to sit together, would probably feel that one minute is like ten agonising hours.
True love is where you are comfortable with the other person, you share values and attitudes, and directions in love.
Good luck in your quest to fall in love. Cherish and nurture that loves for all the days of your life when you do finally find the 'one' and where the 'one' feels exactly the same about you.
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