A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I’d like to know how you guys think I should address this situation or maybe even what I should do…im also sorry it's soo long.So When I first got into a relationship with my boyfriend we decided it would be a completely honest relationship and by that I mean if something bothers you about the other tell them straight away and no secrets etc. Well I have always been open and honest with him. One of the things I found he had when I moved in with him was that he had a pile with around 40 nuts and zoo magazines which were mostly dated 2009 with maybe 2 or 3 of them being slightly new and bought at a random time throughout 2010. Well I asked him why he has them and he was like I just like to keep them and I hate that. I had those type of magazines…Im not sure if it’s because I personally am an insecure person (I think that probably is it though because I am a UK size 22 therefore I most definitely are not skinny and my skin is horrible (I have PCOS which is the reason behind the bad skin, weight and even excess hair which I never admit to anyone besides my bf) and I also do not have a make-up artist to do my make-up and have it look perfect and then have special lighting to make me look better again and to top it off I do not get photo shopped ever so I do not look perfect like those girls. Regardless I hate the magazines, and when it comes to a bf of mines reading then I’d rather that never happened…it makes me uncomfortable and yeah.So I told him my thoughts on these magazines and he laughed and was like its not that much of a big deal to which I was like yeah I know but I don’t like it so he took the magazines put them in a bag, put them up the loft(attic) and then said he would stop buying them. I ofcourse asked why he didn’t just bin them but he said no.Over time I never even thought about them because there was nothing around the house and yeah why would it cross my mind right. Then he went to London with him uncle in late October. At the end of November we had been talking and I said to him did you buy one to read on the way down then and he asked why so I said nuts and zoo. His response…he kissed me on the head and said no I know you hate them and I know how much it would hurt you if I did so I didn’t. Ofcourse I thought nothing of it.Id like to add our sex life changed A LOT….we went from having sex around 20 times a week to once a day at the click of a finger and then around September I believe we almost stopped having sex…it became once every 2/3 weeks. Only reason I think I noticed this is because I have a very high sex drive so whenever I would try I would get denied…only get sex when he wanted it.Anyway last week I was looking for a bag of mines and could not find it. I had put a lot of things up the loft in storage so figured maybe I put it up there. My bf was at work so I decided id go up myself. First thing I noticed was the bag of magazines, but what I noticed was that when the bag first went up it was half full and now it is almost full. That obviously got my attention so I got the bag looked in it and found that he has been buying both those magazines weekly since July. I started crying. He already knows I hate them and don’t want him reading them and then I asked him and he lied to my face about it. Im incredible hurt by it. When he got home I asked him about it and was saying so what was you doing buying, reading and then hiding them when im at work and he didn’t deny it he just said yeah. And I asked why he lied to me and he said to avoid the conversation we were having right then and there. I just couldn’t stop crying…I felt so betrayed. I know so many girls and women who have asked their bf’s, fiancés and husbands to not read those magazines and they don’t because they appreciate their partners and value their opinion. So to me my bf doing that is like him laughing in my face and telling me he couldn’t care what I think or how I feel.Theres also this girl whom he works with. Before we got together he liked her but nothing ever happened and then I got with him. When I got with him that was when she decided that she liked him. To begin with I thought nothing of it but now I do. People have thought me and my bf are broken up because of how the two of them act together and I work for the same company but another department and the only time I would ever see him is if I need to go to his office to use the photocopier is my one is broken (which unfortunately can be often) and whenever I go to his office either she is either sitting or standing next to him and talking or their looking at things on the computer or he is in her office space talking to her. I have told him that 1. I am uncomfortable with the amount of time he spends with her and 2. She fancies him and he does not seem to care. He continues to talk with her all the time.What am I meant to do here? My trust in him has went down a lot and he has hurt me and well I love him and I want to be with him but those are two things I have specifically mentioned and said I don’t like it and id appreciate not doing it because I mean if I was doing something which he hated I would actually stop…I stopped talking to my ex for him. So why is he doing what he’s doing? And what am I supposed to do? I don’t want to start another argument with him but he just doesn’t seem to realise how hurt I am. Oh Id also like to add that before if I asked to borrow his USB he would just give it to me because he knows all I want to do is copy some of his music but I haven’t asked for it in atleast 3 months but I asked last night and he said no. He switched on my laptop, got my USB and his USB and then asked what I wanted off it. On his stick when it opens it is all music but there is a briefcase in it too which you click on and his personal things are in there. So he would not let me use it and he made sure he did not click on the briefcase. Why? He is not half making me suspicious and I do not like it. I’d also hate to think that someone who said they do not believe in cheating is cheating on me.
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at work, insecure, moved in, my ex, sex drive, sex life Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, R1 +, writes (11 January 2013):
 I think you over reacted a bit to the magazines! They are hardly porn! Yes it's hard to look at women who are thinner and prettier than you in magazines but to be honest there are images like that everywhere, would you stop him watching music channels?! I'll read those magazines if there is nothing else available, they talk a lot of rubbish but occasionally they are funny and half of it is about football and cars and other crap like that.
The issue is with your own insecurities and not with him. He chose to be with you the way you are not thinner or taller or prettier etc. you need to accept that or you will push him away forever.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (10 January 2013): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionFirst of all thank you to warm inspire and goldie fox. I appreciate it.And secondly to code warrior you really have me all wrong.My reason for asking in November was because we were talking about what was on the TV. Some show about relationships and they were talking about how 90% of females will remain 100% faithful a weekend away from their partner (that meaning the obvious - no sex, but also not doing things that they perhaps stopped doing for their partners such as the mags or maybe getting heavily drunk, promises made or something else) but that only 55% of males will remain faithful. Males are the one who are much more likely to break a promise to their partner, do something which they know the other condemns, cheat etc. So that was why I asked. I didn't look him with a death stare and ask I said it because its what we had been talking about...I even said it in a joking kind of way. My words were something along the line of 'so are you part of that 45%? did you buy nuts and zoo while I wasn't there to see?' then I laughed. That was when HE pulled me in, kissed me and said what he did...no laughing, joking or sarcasm.And I apologise about the way I worded the part about our sex life, I should have made that more clear...I simply meant I had moved in last February and it was the beginning of that which was amazing then it declined rapidly and I couldn't help notice it declined once he started going behind my back and buying and reading the magazines.And as for him not trusting me. That most definately is not a problem. I have never given him any reason to doubt me in anything. I definately know that because I now know where he was putting the magazines (in his t-shirt drawer under the t-shirts of course - I'd like to state how I know this info now. It's because I was cleaning out my clothes on Tuesday and had emptied all my drawers and put the clothes on the bed and he asked if I could empty his and put all his next to mines and when I lifted up the shirts there was a magazine sitting at the bottom dated Dec 2012 so I called on him and just stared at it which he picked it up and put it up the loft of course rather than bin it.Anyway my point with that. It's mostly me who does all the washing, drying, ironing and putting away of both our clothes and I put t-shirts into that drawer all the time, different times, different days of the week, days with him there and him not and I had not once found them even though I was in that drawer a lot. I never snoop and that proved to him I don't because I never ever found them until I was looking for something of my own. And clearly I didn't look through his possessions to find MY thing.So on the USB...I have no idea why he would not give it to me because I had no intention of snooping through it...I'm the kind of person who would rather avoid getting hurt. So if I don't look for it, I don't find it. I just didn't think he would do it knowing my thoughts and feelings then of course lie to me.
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A
female
reader, Goldiefoxxx  +, writes (9 January 2013):
Code warrior, you shouldnt be so insenitive. She spoke her peace from her own perpective. And clearly seeing how former ex's went through the same issues, it isnt a change needed on their ends, obviously it should be made on his, he is in denial that his behaviour is justified, when you care about someone, whether you agree with it or not you should always rake their feelings into consideration before making a decision, whixh this guy clearly has not donen
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A
female
reader, Warm-Inspire +, writes (9 January 2013):
 "is there something i can do to help him see this because arguing with 3 different gf's about the same issues clearly isnt working."
Theres no point in going to efforts to help someone who doesn't want to change, he's made this apparent if he's already lost 2 girlfriends over it.
It's like trying to get a alcoholic in denial to stop drinking, if they refuse to see the problem, they won't stop.
It's just easier for some people to ignore what's going on around them to get what they want, it's called being stubborn.
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reader, anonymous, writes (9 January 2013): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThis is mainly for Code Warrior.I dont think you read what I wrote correctly. Our sex life was amazing when he was NOT looking at the magazines and when he started again thats when it went done to almost non existant.And I was not looking for the magazines. I already knew they were up there as 2 weekends ago we emptied the loft/attic and he would pass things down to me and i'd put them somewhere until everything was down. he then came down and i said is that everything and he goes well almost so i said whats left and he said 2 boxes of things to do with his 2 serious ex's and the magazines. So I said why not bin the magazines already you know I hate them and he said maybe later, which is obviously a no.So when I went up I knew that they were there I just didnt expect there to be so much more than what went up initially because I didnt think he would do that.Also id like to add the 2 ex's I spoke about. He has had the same arguments with them as he has had with me so why cant he see that he is clearly doing something wrong? is there something i can do to help him see this because arguing with 3 different gf's about the same issues clearly isnt working.
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A
female
reader, Warm-Inspire +, writes (8 January 2013):
I think i should add on for the other aunt's and uncle's not familiar with these mags, they contain topless female only models.
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A
female
reader, Goldiefoxxx +, writes (8 January 2013):
I am assuming these magazines are pornography? Well in my personal opinion, i dont particularly agree with the excessive magazine reading. But men are a bit strange, many have a sex drive which is mentally and visually stimulated, they "learn" so to speak from these dirty magazines and it encourages them to try more things in the bedroom, a healthy sexual appetite is a good thing,after he had hidden the magazines the sex drive diminished in your relationship, the usb drive, probably contains pornography which he is afraid of you seeing, because he doesnt want to cause any more arguements or insecurities, but, the coworker really could be as simple as someone to talk to, to maybe discuss his concerns, women dont really look like the women in those magazines and men know it, to be honest a man rather see his woman with her hair up and wearing an old tshirt and sweat pants, the high maintenence is actually a turn off, he is with you because you are his ideal figure of beauty. take a moment to actually ask why it is that he reads those magazines, tell him you arent trying to chastise him, but to really understand why. and as for the co worker, tell him he needs to watch his behaviour because its unproffesional and you dont need him losing his job, he has his ends of the bills to pay, hope this was somewhat helpful my dear, best of luck, keep your chin up, your beautiful.
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reader, anonymous, writes (8 January 2013): If he is lying and over friendly with a woman, lmiting sex, why are you still with him? He does not care about how you feel and shows no respect for your opinion.Get rid of him and move on. This is not going to stop as he feels he is doing nothing wrong and you are just going to become more miserable. He is also prepare dto risk teh relationship as he done not appear to be emmotionally invested in the relationship.Why dont you invest that energy in yourself, start gym, zumba or even diet. I promise that it will not only make you feel better but will help your skin and confidence. You made the mistake of being too trusting and providing him with your deep thoughts and weaknesses and this boyfriend is taking advantage of your weaknesses. Time to start looking after yourself instead of chasing after a boyfriend that appears to be straying.
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A
female
reader, Warm-Inspire +, writes (8 January 2013):
To start with the magazines, Zoo and Nuts are not collectors items, and they most certainly never will be any sort of Playboy magazine. A magazine with aspiring glamour models that would be willing to get their tata's out for a fiver and a packet of fruit pastilles doesn't seem tasteful enough to become collectable.You should of made him dump the lot when you found them and not allowed him to move them to a more descreet part of the house, he obviously needed a start pile to disguise the additions.He's pretty bad at hiding things if he likes to avoid the confrontation for his actions since you knew exactly where to look for his stash.Anyone that would carry on a lie, putting their partners trust and feelings on the line for the sake of avoiding an arguement is probably worth steering clear of anyway.He obviously has that 'What she doesn't know won't hurt her' way of thinking, that mindset almost always goes beyond bothersome habits.The fact that hes already pulled the wool over your eyes to your face when questioned already, doesn't make me doubt he'd try again, the insulting part is hes acknowledged that he knows it hurts you but still did it anyway.On to this woman in question, If your co-workers made the assumption that you had split up just on the way he's been behaving with another woman, he's obviously been acting out some unacceptable behaviour while involved with you. He knows you're uncomfortable with it and should only have to be told once, but to add insult to injury still spends time with her and still has a careless attitude.This guy sounds like nothing but bad news, to be honest, in order for someone to change hurtful or disrespectful behaviour, they actually have to seem to care even a little bit, and he doesn't.He's selfish and disregards your feelings to do whatever feels right for him, he's only going to turn your trust from an issue into a massive dent along with your insecurities.I would say address him about all your trust issues but actually make sure it sinks in, approach him with confidence.Don't make him think he has a choice to go behind your back and keep doing it when it suits him, be serious and let him know you won't be so forgetful of his actions next time he decides to mess up.Don't accept the excuse of trying to avoid arguements for lying, from anyone, ever.Make a stand, because he won't ever take you seriously and he'll keep pushing you over if he has no consequences for how hes treating you.Good luck.x
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