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anonymous
writes: Dear Cupid, I have been with my girlfriend for about four months now. We slept together once about three months ago but have not since. I asked her more than once if there's a problem but she says she can't tell me because it's this thing in the back of her mind that she can't quite work out. We use protection so I know it isn't fear of pregnancy or infection...she is adamant she enjoyed it and that it is not anything to do with the quality of the sex we had...and I know she wasn't a virgin before me...I'm really stuck here...I don't understand what is going on and because of it the relationship is falling apart...please can someone help me?! Mr. Huggies Reply to this Question
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female
reader, Bev Conolly  +, writes (13 March 2005):
 Hi Mr Huggies,It's possible that your girlfriend is trying to reconcile a sexual assault that she might have been reminded of when the two of you were having sex.I don't mean to imply that you were anything less than gentle with her, but something that happened during sex between you - a position, a vocalisation, or something that was said - may have triggered in her mind something uncomfortable, or downright frightening that is preventing her from getting in the mood again.She says to you that it wasn't the quality of the sex - (Though generally, most women in love wouldn't hold out even if it was /awful/, they'd just make you do it again and again and again until you got it right!) - and you can probably believe her about that. So don't worry that it's anything about you, but it may very well be something that she's trying to "work out" in her mind.Speaking as a victim of sexual assault (I was 13), it was a long time after before I could consider sex without it triggering fear and panic for me. What ultimately helped was having a boyfriend who was patient and who I finally trusted enough to tell the truth to. After that, we could do things that wouldn't remind me of the assault, until the fear gradually faded.The only suggestion that I can make is that you speak to her (without any sexual pressure) and tell her that you miss the sexual intimacy that you had, and that, even though it's not the most important thing to you, it IS important. Tell her that you want to find out what the problem is, so you can work on it together.Ask her if she can try to put into words what the issue is, and tell her that nothing that she could say will change your feelings about her. Then, don't lie! If she does tell you about something that happened, you have to be brave yourself, and not let it colour your opinions about her. The two of you may need to speak to a relationship counsellor, to help her un-make the unpleasant associations with sex.Good luck and be strong!
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