A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I've been with my BF for almost 2 years. He's the type of guy that every girl dreams of being with: committed, monogamous, great personality and sense of humor, interesting, fun to be with, very handsome, financially secure, charming, great heart, and is supporting me while I'm out of work, etc... Dream guy, right? But I have a few problems which are probably related to each other. 1) He has a low sex drive. In the last year, I've been the one to always initiate sex. And sometimes, he complains when I make advances. I know it's because he works so hard and he's gained weight over the last year. But, being rejected so often for the last year has made me less interested in having sex with him now. Don't get me wrong. I would definitely love it if he jumped me. But he's just not interested. He's very affectionate and treats me well. I'm just so sexually frustrated I could scream. We probably have sex once every 4-5 months. I'm the type to want it at least once a week. I'd settle for once a month, right now. i've trekked along because how could I let this one thing take over my relationship? Doesn't the rest count? 2) He is emotionally unavailable. It's difficult to talk to him about serious feelings because he makes a fuss over having to discuss things. It's like he wants things to be on autopilot. This would not bother me so much if we didn't have that other issue... the sexless thing. I'm not a needy girl. I don't need to talk about my feelings. But I have to express my needs... and I need sex. 3) In the last few months, I've been thinking about past lovers and boyfriends. I think about having sex with the ones who were very sexual. And I am now thinking often about an ex that was my first love. It's maddening. Especially because my first love has contacted me earlier this year. I know he wants to ultimately marry me. And for 8 years before this relationship, that is what I wanted, too. I'm not a cheater, so I cut off communication with my ex. Yet, I can't stop thinking about him. I love my boyfriend and our life together. The rest of the relationship is great -- not perfect, of course. And I don't want to end things. I don't want to even think about cheating. And definitely will not cheat. But I can't help that I'm sexually frustrated. I'm scared that we're turning into just friends. What can I do to save this relationship? CAN I save this relationship? Should I end things because if we're having problems with sex after one year? How will it be in 10 years? Our lives are so entangled: family, friends. And we live together. I'm so confused. Should I try to make it work or break it off?
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my ex, sex drive, sexually frustrated Reply to this Question
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 July 2009): Thanks for all of the responses. It's good to know I'm not alone. I have not made a decision yet. I will update if and when I do though.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 July 2009): I feel for you. I am in a similar situation.someone whom you love and care for just doesnt want to have sex anymore.When I approach my husband in bed he says: oh not again. And I say: it has been 2 months, what do you mean not again??But in other ways he is great. Good with the children and helps in the house and supports me when i am stressed form work. He kisses and hugs, but no sex. (and he is not gay). He does not have erectile probs either. He just keeps saying he is tired. I miss sex. A lot. I masturbate, but end up crying, because i wish i could share with him.But it is so hard not to think of having sex with other men. And I don't want an affair either!
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A
male
reader, LazyGuy  +, writes (12 July 2009):
 Fat is an erection killer. If he looses it, his erections will be stronger and larger and his sex drive will increase.
Getting fat generally happens when you are living unhealthy. To little excesise, to much stress, unhealthy food. Fix those things and he will be happier and happier people want more sex.
I think your problems are really down to a lack of sex. Sex is not just orgasms but it is also a way to connect with our partner, our loved one. And well orgasms are a great way to get a natural high. Who needs drugs when you got sex eh?
Has his sexdrive gone down as his healthy decreased? Has he always been the type to overstress? Can this be changed? Libido is very easily killed by the kind of unhealthy living a lot of adult males follow. Trust me on this.
So try to make it work first, because with everything else running fine in your relationship this one thing might be fixable.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 July 2009): I feel for you! Had the same problem with an ex that I loved dearly, but the no sex thing just drove me absolutely crazy. See, when sex is good, it's about 10% of the relationship, but when there is a problem with sex, all of a sudden, it's 90% of the relationship.Ultimately, only you can answer the question, can I live a sex-less life? Don't look to your partner for answers, you just have to ask yourself that one, simple question.For me at least, the answer was no. Rather than sex being a release for stress and an affirmation of love, it became this monster that caused me stress and started saying "if he loves you, how can he just completely ignore this need of yours?" It became a source of argument for us, now I am a logical person, so I know that arguing over sex never made someone desire you, but only drive them away further, but that is just how crazy something like this makes you....and believe me, it's not YOU!!! I could not cheat in the relationship, so I choose to leave, perhaps even a little late.Good luck to you making this very tough decision!
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