A
male
age
,
anonymous
writes:My wife and i havent had sex in five years, i would like to try and get her excited enough to have a go, how should i approche the issue and will it hurt her after so long, iam willing to try anything.
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reader, anonymous, writes (20 July 2022): You sound very young and immature. Let's get something straight. Most men say their wives do not want sex, but the truth is that their wives are keen on sex if it is with the right man, in the right place, at the right time and in the right circumstances. Perhaps your wife fancies Brad Pitt.
Perhaps she is into wining and dining and holding hands and laughing and joking together. This idea that if a woman likes sex she will like it with you is school kid stuff.
And it makes no sense because then any woman who likes sex would be getting dozens of men every day asking them to.
Women don't just get the urge and feel the need to do it.
And go with the first man who asks. They are more selective.
They go by their emotions too, and what the man who is asking is like. If he does not make them feel good,
is crap at sex, boring or whatever, then it does not happen, they would rather leave it or masturbate or wait for a better man. It is very easy for women to find a better man because lots of men are eager to find bored wives and try it on with them. So I promise you that your wife would never have to "make do" with you if she wanted another man.
Plenty would be offering it to her, either in person,
online or whatever. In fact some women in her situation
end up working for email sex services and telephone sex services where they get their horny thrills and get paid for it at the same time, without having to travel or meet the guy in the flesh, or take any risks etc. You, on the other hand, would be one of the people who has to pay for such service if you resorted to it.
You totally over look that there is a reason why you have not had sex for five years. You talk as if it is normal.
You don't think logically and you don't understand relationships or women!
A
reader, anonymous, writes (20 July 2022): You give no indication of your age, and you don't mention whether there has been a major incident in your marriage; or if she may have suffered a major loss of a loved-one. Perhaps the death of a child. Sometimes people suffering from extreme grief go into depression. Without treatment, or refusing to take prescribed medications for anxiety or depression; they can lapse into a state of total despair. She may hide it, but it will manifest somewhere in her behavior.
Is she well over 60, or does she have major health-issues? Many medications have side-effects that lower the libido. Arthritis and joint-pain limits movement, and restricts mobility.
Did you and your wife have a major falling-out five years ago?
You have to mind your words during arguments, and manage your temper. Unrelenting criticism, or making fun of her, can have a profound impact on your partner's emotional-stability and mental-health. Even her physical health! A lot of men resort to the "silent treatment" when they are angry. After years of practicing this passive-aggressive style of punishment; love turns to hate. She may not leave you, but she has shutdown and cashed-out. How you treat people has great bearing on how they respond to you. If you're never affectionate in other ways; she will become desensitized from frustration.
If only men realized how much their selfishness, dishonor, bullying, cheating, porn, and refusal to listen to their partners can affect their desire towards you!
Vicious comments about her body or appearance are as hurtful as hitting her. If you've been grinding at her self-esteem over the years; she probably feels no affection or sexual-attraction towards you. If you never hug, kiss, or touch her in affectionate ways; any interest in sex with you is probably long-gone. Age changes us mentally and physically. Sometimes, as early as their 40's, some women go through an early menopause. Hormone-imbalance can affect her libido; and significantly lower her sex-drive.
If it isn't her health, or she isn't suffering mental-health issues; then you need to have a deep conversation with your wife. If she's willing to open-up about it; then shut-up and listen. If you have a habit of cutting her off, she'll cut you off too! If it's about how you make love, or your lousy technique; contain your ego, listen, and learn. She has stuck by you in spite of your faults; so you may as well give her the floor when she has something to say.
Dear sir, if you read Dear Cupid on a regular basis; you may see many complaints from women about their relationships with their husbands. Many have secretly snooped on their spouses and discovered things in their search history on his computer or devices. Some know their husbands are secretly communicating with other women. Some know he secretly views pornography, but lies about it when she confronts him. Many men are verbally-abusive and nasty to their wives. Their cruelty and abuse may have gone-on for many years in their marriages; but at some point she will reach that final straw. She will shutdown, and shut you out. She won't let you touch her, or she will be indifferent towards you. Due to many years of being ignored, your neglect, failure to listen to her concerns, dismissing her complaints, staring at other women, shouting at her; or bouts of rage, and having temper tantrums that frighten her.
Take your pick! Which of the above has happened in your marriage? Sometimes you keep secrets, thinking she doesn't know about them. It's hard to be intimate with someone you know keeps secrets from you, or has been cheating on her; while, for whatever reasons, she has looked the other way and dealt with her pain in solitude. She may repeatedly forgive you for your bad-deeds from the past; but a build-up over the years kills love and affection towards your partner. It's sad when a man is mean and surly, and he doesn't even realize (or care) that he is!!!
All you mention is she doesn't want sex. You must have some idea why. If you've had a good marriage all these years, and you are an elderly or mature couple; she may have lost interest in sex. Sometimes as women age, vaginal dryness makes sex painful. If you are laxed on your personal-hygiene; that makes sex quite unpleasant for your partner. If five years have past, and you've never bothered to ask her why. My dear sir, there's your answer. Of all the things I've mentioned; being cruel to your spouse tops them all. Your touch after years of abuse becomes repulsive. For your sake, I hope it's nothing like that.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (18 July 2022):
 Well, first off, do you know WHY you aren't having sex anymore? And why it's been 5 years?
What happened 5 years ago?
Maybe that is a starting point.
Also, why would it hurt HER to tell her you miss intimacy with her?
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 July 2022): How old are you? How old is she? Why did you stop having sex in the first place?
All these questions need to be clarified. WHY is really important? Is she traumatized by something? Has she gone through menopause? Have you had sex with someone else? Has she?
There are no universal recipes, but I guess you should talk openly about it.
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