A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Well, I have no idea what to do at this point.I've been raped/molested before. Raped at eight, raped at fifteen by a bf, raped again at 19 by a different bf. My crazy, disturbed mother heavily molested me as a kid and physically and emotionally abused me. I don't come from the greatest home life- was homeless from 5yrs to 10yrs old.I've come a long way since then, but I just don't know what to do.I've been to therapy, so please don't patronize me by recommending it. Five therapists and none cold help me, although all of them were more than happy to charge me $100+ an hour.I had a sex drive that appeared at 13. It vanished at 15, when I was raped again, and never came back. By 19 i was living with a VERY abusive and controlling bf... he never took no for an answer, so I stopped saying anything. I had nowhere else to go and NO ONE who cared enough to help, so I stayed.These days, I keep having nightmares where I'm re-living being violated. I have a loving, caring husband and a decent life now... I just wish I was attracted to him sexually at all (or anyone else, for that matter- I'm not attracted to ANYONE sexually anymore).I liked him as a person so while we were dating I just disassociated myself completely when we had sex. It was never enjoyable, but then it never ever has been, so whatever, right? As long as one of us is happy...I don't know what to do. Lately the nightmares have been getting worse and I can't even be hugged/touched anymore. I read stuff about people being so in love and having fulfilling sex and I just want to cry. I can't even have an orgasm masturbating anymore. It starts feeling good and instantly goes to blinding, scream-my-throat-raw pain.
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female
reader, QuirkLady +, writes (13 July 2010):
 I hope things are getting better for you now.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (27 May 2010): The world's gone crazy. It is sad to think that family members could sexually abuse you, or that anyone would. But we live in a world where some people just do whatever they want even if it involves others having to suffer.
The world is full of arseholes.
I'm sorry. There's not much you can do about this problem. You just have to hope things will get better one day.
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A
female
reader, QuirkLady +, writes (26 May 2010):
I'm really sorry that you're going through this.
There are two good books I have read that helped me - I Can't Get Over It and The Rape Recovery Handbook, both by Aphrodite Matsakis. Both books are available at Amazon and most major bookstores. I have to warn you, they are very difficult reading and will feel painful at times.
I wish you the best of luck in your recovery.
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