A
male
age
41-50,
*lubb
writes:My gf and me have been in a relationship for about 7 years. we live together and have a 10 months old boy. everything is great except that we have had sex once this year. I would like to have sex 3-4 time a week, at least. not 1 time in 5 months. I've tried talking to my gf about it but she has a real problem talking about sex, so I've pretty much given up trying. I masturbate instead, perhaps 5 times a week. but it doesn't really fill the gap, just kind of numbs my libido, like a drug. I find myself increasingly looking at and day dreaming about beautiful girls. but I don't show them any interest and they show me no interest. I don't want to cheat on my gf, I just like to dream about beautiful girls. although they make me sad because I could never be with them even if I was single, I'm getting older and fatter (or something.. i go to the gym regularly and am in good health, but I never get thinner) and don't get nearly as much attention from girls as i used to, few years back. I wish they did, even if I would never act on it. just to feel like i still have it, you know? to boost my confidence.we used to have a nice sex life once, but it was somewhat dull because we were never good at telling what we wanted. after a while it got kind of like a routine what we did. that was never a problem with my ex-gfs (i've dated about 6 girls in my life). i know that we need better communication between us, but we can talk about other things, just not sex and such things. i feel like i'm talking to a wall when I mention it sometimes.i feel like I should wait this out, perhaps things will be better between us in the future. but i feel like this is a huge issue for me, I love sex and women and want to enjoy life. but I can't do it alone (at least it's depressing and unfulfilling). my self esteem as a male is fading out and i feel like i'm not desirable. but i don't know how to fix that. i haven't changed that much, just got a little older.this is a bit of a ramble, i haven't talked to anyone about this so I'm kind of letting it out. not sure what advice I want here, perhaps someone has gone through similar stuff? what did you do when you found yourself in a sexless relationship?
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confidence, libido, my ex, self esteem, sex life Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (28 May 2011): "I want sex because of the intimacy and it feels good to be wanted and to be able to relieve stress and forget the world for a moment. sex is good for a lot of things. masturbation is only good for stress relieve and satisfying basic needs."... ask yourself, why is it that you can only "feel wanted" by having sex? Do you not feel wanted otherwise? Does your wife not thank you for supporting her and your baby, or when you do nice things for her?Why do you equate "being wanted" with having sex? I think your sense of self worth is lacking, if you feel like you're not wanted otherwise....it could be because your wife really is rejecting you (that would explain why you feel unwanted). But it could also be that she's not rejecting you and still you feel unwanted so then there's something else in your life that you should address, a personal problem rather than a relationship problem...
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reader, anonymous, writes (28 May 2011): "I have no idea what "real problems" i might have, but I've never had very positive self-image. "
Well there is your "real problem" which is that you've never had a very positive self-image. and this despite the outwards signs of success you've listed like having a good job etc.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused  +, writes (27 May 2011):
 ok she's got a needy 10 month old that's breastfeeding.
when i had little kids like that i was "touched out" at the end of the day...
i remember my then hubby coming home and going to hug me and I said "you may touch me above the shoulders or below the knees"....
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A
male
reader, glubb +, writes (27 May 2011):
glubb is verified as being by the original poster of the questionmany thanks for your answers. you guys bring up so many good points!I was a bit down when I wrote this, to be honest. It's kinda obvious when you think about it. Her low sex drive is probably a combination of stress with the baby, she's breastfeeding, her cut during childbirth still stings a little (she mentioned this the other day when I was gently fondling her ass in bed) and the baby is always with us, sleeps in the same room and we don't feel comfortable having sex when he's around (and he might wake up!) I have been taking care of the baby for a few months now and oh god i wish i got more sleep ! I think she feels the same. regarding the depression and my negative self-image, I think it's a bit complicated than just sex. But I don't blame her for making e feel crappy. I mention it sometimes that I wish we had more sex, but I don't pressure her (I hope!) I have no idea what "real problems" i might have, but I've never had very positive self-image. But I'm good at what I do, have a stable job, nice salary, and I get respect for my art (music and photography). I look younger then I really am and I think most people would say I'm handsome. I'm not fat, just a bit fatter than i used to. I believe it's because I'm always at home now, and eat a bit more chocolate than I should. I don't drink much, usually no more than one or two beers if I go out, which is seldom. anyway, negative self-image has probably more to do with me trying to be perfect and my childhood than sex.I want sex because of the intimacy and it feels good to be wanted and to be able to relieve stress and forget the world for a moment. sex is good for a lot of things. masturbation is only good for stress relieve and satisfying basic needs. haha i'm talking too much about myself... oh well, sometimes it's good to just say what's on your mind. so good communication and respect is the key to my troubles. improve my self image and stop thinking about sex. hahaha if it only were as easy to do as to say.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (27 May 2011): it's normal for some couples' sex life to decrease dramatically after their first baby.But from what you've written, it sounds to me like you are suffering from depression or low self esteem and are needing sex as a way to feel better and to boost your ego. But since you're not getting sex from your girlfriend (since new mothers often are too tired and stressed to have interest in sex), you're even more distressed and you think that the reason for your distress is the lack of sex. But I think that's secondary, and the underlying reason for your frustration is that you have a negative self-image and negative self esteem.I suggest that you drop the issue of the sex life for now and try to improve the relationship with your girlfriend, as in, try to improve the emotional intimacy and emotional/psychological closeness with her. When you approach your girlfriend about wanting to have sex more often, you're basically making her responsible for taking care of your emotional pain. It's convenient to blame her for how crappy you feel just cos she's not giving you as much sex as you want. But I think that's a distraction from the real issue.You already masturbate, so technically it should satisfy your purely biological sexual urges. but it's not enough because your need for sex is driven by having to alleviate the stress of some other underlying emotional pain. which I suspect is low self esteem.Therefore, it's your responsibility to examine your life and your feelings and find out what the real source of your negative self-image and emotional pain is (and no it's not due to the lack of sex because masturbating takes care of purely biological urges so yours is psychological in nature), it's your responsibility to work on yourself and your real problems, rather than focusing on wanting your girlfriend to give you more sex so you can mask your real pain, and making it her responsibility to make you feel better about yourself. that's not fair to her.
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