| A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes: My 12-year-old daughter is constantly being rejected and I'm sick of it! When she was 6 month old I sent her to an in home sitter so I could actually get work done. (I'm a medical transcriptionist). I sent her w expressed milk, cloth diapers, and pureed vegetables. Babysitter put her in disposal diapers, fed her formula and then fired us bc Mia "required to much attention". She was a baby! At one, I sent her to a daycare, a Christian one, and they fired us bc I don't believe in vaccines and she was "too high maintenance" she was one! My parents refused to babysit because I didn't marry the abusive controlling father. At five, in Bible School, she wrote a clumsy love letter to Daniel and he called her yucky and made her cry.In first grade, she kissed Ethan on the cheek and he shoved her away! She got a detention. She was six! I took her out of school and homeschooled her but even at church, kids just didn't want to play w her!She's a very sweet girl who tries hard and takes things to heart. They called her "weird" and the few friends who wanted to play w her weren't allowed bc she isn't vaccinated. Also, I was studying to become a massage therapist and some closed-minded ppl made a sexual connotation. (We live in a town of 20,000 souls).I put her in karate, soccer, violin lessons and piano and no matter how she tried, ppl told her she talked too much. So she quit speaking for awhile. Heartbreaking! They still didn't like her. She politely told a vacation Bible School staff that she was vegetarian (lacto ova) and would be eating the food she brought. They refused! They told her she had to eat what was served. She was 10!Now she's 12 and I'm sending her to a small Christian school (five kids in her class) and they all shun her. She gets along better with the teacher but she wants friends. I sent her to Christian summer camp and she was bullied there too!I don't be get it, why does no one like her?
View related questions:
bullied, christian Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 November 2019): I have read and re-read your post. Firstly they dont all 'dislike' her, the young boys was like that when I was at school, its normal for boys to go eugh over girls, your parents, well that's personal to how they feel about the father. The refusal of the specific diet, just their rules, the childminder, just lazy in their ways.
There are children that would play with her, the fact she has not been vaccinated is the reason you state yourself, it's a controversial decision on your part not to because most parents would.
I hear you have tried this and that and you have home schooled your daughter but here is my observation for what its worth. The home schooled children I know are educated by their parents because it suits the parent (s) AND because the parent doesn't allow the child to face normal problems, such as children who will challenge them and for them to learn to get on with people with their many different personalities, sorry but it seems from what you write you are allowing your daughter to be victimized.
You are always going to get quiet children, ones who take a while to find their feet, ones who struggle to mix but what your daughter needs to learn is to be kind, to respect others and most importantly to be herself and not to feel she is hated by others, I could dismiss most of those people you claim 'hate her' in your post.
You are clearly an intelligent woman but ask yourself honestly are you restricting your daughter? Are you placing values on her that could be loosened? Are you over protective?
I'm sure you are a great mum, clearly love your daughter otherwise you would not have posted the question but I do feel you are somewhat hindering your daughter as others have stated and restricting her, I'm a mother to one child, a daughter, I know it's hard but you need to look at how you are acting and think about what you are putting on herm she needs to learn its life, you cant get on with everyone and it's not because she is hated. Let her be who she is and let her know her uniqueness makes her special not a victim.
Best of luck x
A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (4 November 2019):
 While I don't want this to turn into a "hating on you for choosing to not vaccinate your kid" - Not vaccinating your child is a sure way to isolate her. What will you do when it comes time for college? MOST colleges demands students to be vaccinated as well.
While I GET that is your choice, it's also the choice of other parents to not want their kids around her. For THEIR kids safety and that of their siblings and family members.
I don't think it's your daughter people are staying away from, but because YOU choose to live a life-style that doesn't fit in with this tiny community. It doesn't necessarily has to do with religion either.
Having a special diet, again, YOUR choice as a parent. But I would have TALKED to the school/program ahead of time to let them know she has special dietary needs and that YOU will provide the food for her. You shouldn't have left it to your child to inform the staff.
Maybe what you should look for is other non-vaccinating parents and see if you can find her some kids to socialize with.
Your daughter (as sweet as I BET she is) might not HAVE the best of social skills because she isn't socialized with her own peers but with you.
What can you do? I don't really know.
I have 3 daughters with a varying degree of social behaviors. One is SUPER social wit ha HUGE friends group, one has a smaller group but is still pretty social and one (my oldest) is not very social at all, she has 3-4 good close friends she has had since we moved here. But they all seem content. Your daughter is who she is. Of course she can improve (we all can) on her social skills, her abilities to make and keep friendships, but if she is ALSO quite isolated from her peers it's going to be an uphill battle for her.
You want to protect her, ALL parents do. But you might also have been the one to isolate her.
...............................
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (4 November 2019): Sorry to be direct in my comment but can't express what I think otherwise. I assume from your post that you are a devout christian family with strict rules on dress codes and medical matters which differ from the beliefs of the majority thus you seem different to others and this do look strange and may even conflict with the general beliefs of the majority in these present times. I suggest you seek the advice of a therapist or a friend from outside of your church if they honestly can see anything in you to make others avoid you. Sorry if I offended.
...............................
A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (4 November 2019):
 Like others have pointed out, I think you and your ideas are being rejected here, not your daughter. You work in a medical field, yet dont vaccinate. That will give a lot of people reason to avoid you, and thus they avoid your daughter. You are the one who is placing her in this difficult situation. You also home school her, so yet again you are removing her from society.
Why are you counting the times your daughter was rejected, and why do you fail to see it is actually you being rejected? Dont ignore this. Start thinking of what is best for your daughter, not best for you. Vaccines is not a belief system. Your daughter is old enough now to go to the doctor and get information, let her decide if she wants to get vaccinated. This isnt about what you believe in, this is about being a part of a society. To teach her how to be a part of society, you too must be involved and not act like you are alone in the world and should be able to do whatever you please. Those thoughts rub off on your daughter, and its making you (and in extention her) unlikable. Do what society expects of you, from time to time. That tends to help.
PS. Your mindset and the way you write makes me think you dont understand social rules. And thats coming from me,whos on the autism spectrum. Should give you a hint.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (3 November 2019): My dear, you sound like every hard-working parent I know. I think you may be projecting some of your own feelings of social-rejection and displacement onto your daughter. She's a child, experiencing social-prejudices and typical kid-stuff.
I know a lot of little-girls, some who are related; who are total chatter-boxes. They also like little boys! Boys don't like them back, at a certain age! All kids have little clashes, or run into groups of kids who are cliquish and unfriendly. It's a reflection of our society. The unfortunate reality is that people are quicker to express their negative-opinions or dislikes openly. Rather than be tactful, or considerate. The size of a town makes little difference. People are people!
Homeschooling it great. It also has its drawbacks. Some children who are homeschooled have to make social-adjustments; when suddenly being thrust among other kids. Who are more accustomed to collective-group conditions, and used to one-on-one interactions. If you don't overreact, she will adapt. She's a little sheltered; so she may be awkward around other kids. They'll notice it. If she's overly-friendly, they'll help her to tone it down to acceptable-levels. They learn from each other too! There are also other kids with social-disorders and behavioral-problems, they sometimes tend to be more aggressive or intimidating. Often the "ring-leader" when it comes to bullying!
Other kids fall inline, to avoid their wrath. They haven't developed leadership-skills, so they follow. The bully isn't a leader, they're just trouble-makers with no filters or guardrails. Poor-parenting!
I can tell by your post that you're stressed and distressed; showing all the normal reactions and concerns experienced by struggling single-mothers/parents. Trying to work, find decent daycare, and maintain the right to decide whether or not to vaccinate your kid. Well, other parents have equal-right to be concerned about the health and safety of their kids too. Your choices are yours, but if those choices run contrary to the majority; or they may jeopardize the health and safety of other children, expect backlash! Other parents, feel same as you do in certain respects! What you consider protects your kid, may prove fatal to some other mother's child. Not the vaccinated one in-school; but an unborn-child,elderly relative, or infant too young for certain inoculations. Whooping cough and measles can be deadly!
Children are very susceptible and sensitive to the differences they see in other children. No matter how subtle. They can even see what you don't want to see; or pretend you cannot see. It seems your child has some visible differences in her behavior, or appearance. It may be as superficial as how she dresses, her hairstyle, or even the way she speaks. Kids are kids!
You've run into typical modern-society; and you have the powerful natural protective-instincts of a good and loving-mother. You want the best for her; and you would go to any lengths to see she's safe and happy. Stay on top of it! That's your job! I know, it's harder when you have to do it all by yourself! Nobody seems to want to help, just add to the misery! So, even the smallest irritations can be pretty painful! I feel you, sweetheart! Don't hold-back your tears, let 'em flow! You need the release!
Everything or everybody that falls under the heading "Christian," isn't Christ-like. You're still dealing with human-beings. With human-beings, come prejudices and bad-behavior. You have to maintain your cool and composure; deal with each circumstance, on a case-by-case basis. If you lump them all together; it will beat you down, you'll be crushed, or overwhelmed.
Continue to pray for guidance, and understanding. God sees and knows all. He will test you, and your daughter, to make you stronger; and He will protect you from harm. Trust Him, and never hesitate to ask for His help; when humans let you down.
Your daughter may have a touch of autism, and kids pick-up on it very easily. Probably better than trained-professionals. They are super-tuned into "differences;" because they're little sponges, and they notice everything! Including things they shouldn't!
Don't be offended by this suggestion; but have your daughter tested for autism, sight, and hearing. It sometimes goes unnoticed, until a child is older. You may have been advised by your pediatrician; but mothers want their children to be perfect. They may not always heed the advice, live in-denial, or don't go to doctors. For religious reasons. Then you're left to your own limited-understanding. Passing blame or feeling persecuted. Sometimes you are being persecuted; but you still have to bear-up and be strong for her sake. That's where reaching-out to God comes-in!
Here's yet another suggestion. Allow her time to adjust to being moved around! If you've been snatching her from one place to the next, or you have to move a lot; she's always the "new-kid." She'll stand-out, and she repeatedly has to go through the initiation-ritual that kids put each other through. If she has a different way of doing things, and she marches to her own drum-beat; people aren't always tolerant of our differences.
It's not that nobody likes her. Please don't say that in-front of her; and try not to let your own negative-outlook dampen her childish-innocence. If you're over-protective and defensive; you'll make life harder for her and yourself than it has to be.
My prayers go out for you and your daughter. God's got this, and you'll be okay. I hope just venting to people who care will comfort and encourage you.
...............................
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (3 November 2019): Get her vaccinated, for a start. Almost all places have a policy that every child needs to be or they cannot attend. There is a reason for that.
Stop risking other people's lives, and by that, I mean others who might not be ABLE to be vaccinated due to circumstance.
If you want your daughter included, you NEED to vaccinate. This is isn't simple belief. It is a proven fact.
...............................
A
female
reader, Ciar  +, writes (3 November 2019):
 Besides the young boys who behaved according to their ages at the time (not very nice, but it is what it is), no one has rejected your daughter.
They're keeping a polite distance from YOU, because they find your parenting style, especially as it involves them while they mind your daughter, to be micro-managing, hypercritical and overbearing.
Friends, relatives, daycares, schools and the like are actually quite understanding and happy to accommodate food allergies or minor health issues. They're also fairly environmentally conscientious, if not to the degree that you are.
In life we must find a balance, and with all the focus on your daughter's physical health and safety, her social and psychological health can suffer.
Food for thought.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 November 2019): you isolated your child by refusing to vaccinate (presumably based on a complete lack of scientific literacy). So you can blame yourself for that one.
Other than that, kids can be crap. they like who they like and if your daughter keeps being called high maintance then the words people are probably not using are 'spoiled brat'. As a former teacher I can tell that behind every 'high maintenance' child there's an over protective, hovering mother who is actually driving people away.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 November 2019): When your daughter was little and she kissed Ethan on the cheek and wrote a letter to Daniel, she was rejected on both occasions because she was a little girl! And famously little boys don't like little girls until they're older! If I had done those things to little boys at her age I would have been shunned also! What on earth would you expect? Also the time when she was told to eat whatever was served to her because she is vegetarian is on the people who treated her that way. Not her. It's very likely that if those people don't understand or tolerate vegetarianism or can't cater for it, then ANYONE who asked for a vegetarian meal would have been treated the same way.How on earth could anybody have objected to her as a baby? Babies don't have the strength of personality to actually be able to be disliked at that age. AGAIN,the way she was viewed is likely to be because of the person looking after her. I have heard of many people in 'caring' professions who are anything but! So why would you put someone's inept caring skills down to your daughter? Especially at her age then? How could it possibly be your daughter's fault at six months old? If my child had been treated with such disdain at one year old and told she was high maintenance I would be putting that down to the adult's around her and not a one year old! You express surprise yourself and claim that she was only a baby when some of these things happen, so why don't you imagine that it's the fault of the adults and not her?You said she had a few friends who wanted to play with her, but couldn't because she wasn't vaccinated. SO, she DID have people who wanted to play with her, but they couldn't because she wasn't vaccinated. Again, NOTHING to do with her!!I had SOME friends who wanted to play with me when I was little, but there were plenty who didn't! Children can be cruel. I wasn't led to believe by my parents that because not EVERYONE wanted to play with me, that there was something wrong with me!She sounds intelligent and maybe mature for her years. Maybe other children her age cant relate to her yet. Maybe she's on the spectrum, (a LOT of people are including me) I don't know, I'm guessing, but reading your post, most of what you relate concerning your daughter's experiences are NOT a reflection on her. It is circumstance (vaccination and vegetarianism, both of which I agree with by the way so don't think I'm agreeing with these people) and being so young that little boys would of course have reacted the way they did and when she was a baby, it was the adults in my opinion and not her. I do hope that because you seem to have been persuaded somehow that your daughter is unlikeable that you are transmitting this idea to her in any way? Because now, THAT would be cruel.
...............................
A
female
reader, Andie's Thoughts  +, writes (3 November 2019):
 Please take your daughter to a doctor. Some places will need her to be vaccinated, like many other equally-proven medications you use, but she may have Autism or similar. This is not something negative, just something to adapt to.
...............................
A
female
reader, janniepeg +, writes (3 November 2019):
 Your daughter might have gotten some traits from her father. Society shuns people who try to be different and elite. There is discrimination against single mom families, even in the west. I do think your daughter is high maintenance. She has the insecurity because of having little father contact. She is a vegetarian. She needs step by step guidance on how to behave because everyone else is conformist and accepts it, while she doesn't. Having a specific diet catered to her, living a sheltered life being homeschooled, that's a luxury that small towns don't appreciate. You would do better in a bigger city with more resources. Christian communities are very close minded. They want everyone to be the same to remain status quo.
It's not that no one likes your daughter. Parenting is a thankless job. Mothers deserve the highest pay. We work overtime and can't afford to complain. Outsiders like childcare workers and teachers have a fixed pay and would not work harder than necessary. Unless they are special souls who do not look at work as work. I do see likable qualities in your daughter and it takes a person who can cherish them to be able to fulfill her needs.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 November 2019): It might be because you don't vaccinate. Kids don't understand too much about that, but their parents may have said, She's not vaccinated, keep your distance". That's one thought. Maybe talk to the pastor of your school and see if he has insight.
...............................
A
female
reader, Aunty BimBim  +, writes (3 November 2019):
 There may be a medical reason for your daughter not being accepted by other kids, take her to a pediatrician and tell them what you have written here. She may be slightly autistic, or have slight hearing problems …
...............................
|
