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female
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anonymous
writes: I don't really have any feelings towards my husband anymore. We have been married 6 and half years, and together for 8. He is a professional, who works long hours, and have a daughter who does not keep well. I felt he did not support me initally when my daughter was at the height of her illness, and can be quite condescening and partonising with comments, and has made comments in the past about the household income being "his money". He has no pride in his appearance sometimes either, like not brushing his teeth or washing and expects me still to be intimate with him.All this has really eroded any romantic feelings I had for him and now look upon him as a brother, but as a housewife who has all equity tied up in the house and finacially dependent on her husband, I really don't know what to do.
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reader, anonymous, writes (26 August 2005): I will come in as a third, in agreeing with the below advice. From what you mentioned in your letter, I can empathize with your discontentment and feeling of hopelessness. You did give us a glimpse into what your husband is like from your letter and I feel, he is likely feeling the same discontent and like you, has given up. One thing I am sure of though, is that in the beginning, you two loved each other and were willing to commit yourselves to spending your life together. You both need to step back and take a look at your marriage and see what has happened over the years. This is where intensive marriage counseling may help you understand what went wrong. I strongly encourage you both do this before any drastic measures are taken. If your husband does not have any bad habits such as gambling, excessive drinking, violence; cheating & affairs, then the problem in your relationship is most likely caused by a lack of good communication and this can be fixed. You both have grown apart, which has lead to changed feelings about one another. A family that is being pulled by two opposing forces cannot function as a love nest. You both need the wisdom and patience to learn to communicate together as husband and wife. It will take a lot of work and a change of attitude for both of you but it can be done.
Remember too, that as your child is growing up, and he needs the love of both parents to develop a good and wholesome personality. If you let your child witness your effort to improve the family, she will fare better in life. I know it will not be easy, but I encourage you to use your wisdom and strength to make this work. Patience, forgiveness and a change of heart is all that is needed.
I wish you both all the best and at least give the counseling a try. Good luck.
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female
reader, Bev Conolly  +, writes (26 August 2005):
 There are really only two choices, and you already know them. The first is (as suggested by pops), get to marriage counselling, so you can talk in depth about when your marriage started to go awry and decide for yourself whether you feel you want to save what good still exists in your partnership with your husband.
The other choice is simply to separate. Yes, that's a very difficult choice and yes, your finances are going to be a bit of work to untangle. But if you decide that you want to separate from him, you'll also begin to see that you can tackle the complications one at a time. So, you own a house together, so what? If that's all that's keeping you together, then it's not impossible for him to buy our your share of the house. These are things you need to discuss with a solicitor or legal advisor.
I'd go first with the counselling, if it were me, just to ensure that you're not at the nadir of a depression cycle or something. Then, once you've talked yourself out about it, to a neutral party, you can decide what's next.
Do think about the longer term implications, such as the immediate effect that your moving out will have on your daughter, as compared with the discomfort of her living in a loveless home. Then you can make wise choices.
Good luck.
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reader, pops +, writes (26 August 2005):
Get to a marriage counselor. go alone, if he won't go with you. He is obviously not showing you any respect, and that kills romance faster than any other thing a person can do to a partner. When did this happen, and what was the cause? I am sure you are not telling everything, and that's okay, here. But, with a counselor, you need to be painfully honest with yourself and the counselor, if you are going to find a way back, or just find out what went wrong so that you don't do the same thing again.
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