A
female
age
30-35,
*um2two
writes:i dont find my husband attractive anymore and i dont know what to do. we have been married since feb 26th 2010 and even before we got married my heart just wasnt all the way in it but i did it anyway because i didnt have anywhere else to go and i ended up pregnant by him. we have 2 children now. should i stay to make him and the babies happy or is it mean and selfish of me to be truthful and leave him. my heart and mind just cant grow to love, love him. Reply to this Question
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female
reader, mum2two +, writes (10 March 2012):
mum2two is verified as being by the original poster of the questioni looked at the site, he found out and we had a long talk... hes changed a little hes gotten me a ged book and im taking drivers ed. im happy hes improving, hopefully he wont change back i told him this is it,im drained and i cant take anymore.
A
female
reader, mum2two +, writes (7 March 2012):
mum2two is verified as being by the original poster of the questionthank you..... i will look at the site.
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (7 March 2012):
 it started by him slowly isolating me from friends, then family from there started the forbidden list
after i had my babies 2(3/18/10) 10m(4/25/11) thats when things got worse w/ all the you cant do this or that or im taking the kids.
the forbidden list:
work,cell phone,friends,call family in ak,use the web unless hes there to watch(im sneaking on using my dsi),drive(i have no drivers licence),get my g.e.d, i cant where hoop ear ring not even small size(hooker rings to him),cant where red heels or red clothes (hooker color to him)
n the beginingit was simi okay but once i got prego like i said is when he changed.
i cant live like this i miss my family and idk how there doing.
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You aren't allowed to have friends or family contact, work or even drive. I think the reason you want a baby is because that is the one human contact you do have, besides him. I don't blame you for wanting to feel needed and important. I just wish you could see that having a baby isn't going to fix a damn thing. It will just continue on the way it is. He has diminished your world to the point that you can't see how desperate your situation is... you came here asking for help, you aren't attracted to your husband, you don't love him. I can see why.
Here's that weblink again for you: http://www.thehotline.org/
Best wishes to you. I hope you get the help you need. A baby isn't it, alas.
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A
female
reader, mum2two +, writes (7 March 2012):
mum2two is verified as being by the original poster of the questionbut like i said i also enjoy being pregnant. maybe i`ll do it for my self
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (6 March 2012):
 I agree with Tisha having another baby to get about a month of good is not a good plan.
IF he says he loves you and is afraid you will leave him you need to explain to him that his fear is causing him to do the EXACT things that will push you away.
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (6 March 2012):
I think you are wishful thinking that he will change for good. Having a baby so he'll be good for a month or so sounds like a very desperate plan that won't change him in the long run.
I think he's just telling you he'll try to change to keep you happy enough to stay. If he really intended to change he wouldn't have to 'work on it.' He'd do it. He's blaming his ex for HIS OWN ACTIONS. SHE'S not the one who is being abusive. HE is.
I wish you well, I hope you do reach out to the local agencies that could help you, but I can't force you to do it. You have to do that for yourself and your children. I hope everything turns out for the best.
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A
female
reader, mum2two +, writes (6 March 2012):
mum2two is verified as being by the original poster of the questionwe had a convercation tonight its 1:01 am and hes sleep, so i have to be quick. the convo didnt go to good i told him im unhappy in our relationship,and that i feel like hes isolating me. he said he loves me and he doesnt mean to do the things he does hes scared that im going todo him or up and leave i keep telling him its not going to happen that he can trust me, he says hes going to work on it... if he doesnt change maybe i should get pregnant again during my secound pregnancy he was awsome after i had the baby he was good for a month or so maybe another baby is needed besides i enjoyed being pregnant it makes me so happy and i feel needed and important.
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A
male
reader, themanjackson +, writes (6 March 2012):
There was no old him, he was just pretending or hiding his true self until he felt he had enough over you (your kids). Think about it, whose idea really was it to have 2 children. If it just sort of happened it still wasn't an accident on his part. This is the real man you married, controlling. And your the type of woman controlling men love, because you let him. You most likely won't leave him so I won't tell you to, but I will tell you that you are able to set standards for how you want your relationship to be. Let him know (in a positive gentle way) what he can do to make you happy and if he truly loves you (and he knows you mean it and your not willing to be deprived of your relationship needs) he will meet your expectations. It will take TIME and serious work. But like I said, I doubt you'll leave. So other options are to try or do nothing. Goodluck and think smartly
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (5 March 2012):
It doesn't sound to me as though he is listening to you. You can't change him. He has to want to change. Just because he hasn't physically hurt you doesn't mean this isn't an abusive relationship. Please visit that website and ask someone to help you there, okay?
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A
female
reader, mum2two +, writes (5 March 2012):
mum2two is verified as being by the original poster of the questionhe has never hit me or yelled or degrated me like i said, if i can get him to the old him. every thing will be fiine i love him to death i just dont like who he has become. i think it has alot to do with his ex she did him bad from what he and his family have told me cheating lying sneakin around using his car to go meet men i think hes scared im going to do what she did i know thats why he wont hand over the debt card he used me to open an account and now i cant even hold the card thinks im gonna take the money
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (5 March 2012):
You are in an abusive, controlling relationship if he has isolated you from your friends and family, and you have no phone and cannot drive. Please go to this website: http://www.thehotline.org/ or call this number if you do get access to a phone to get referred to a local center that can help you: 1-800-799-SAFE(7233)
Do this today to get help, please.
Best wishes.
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A
female
reader, mum2two +, writes (5 March 2012):
mum2two is verified as being by the original poster of the questionthank you to those that have givin me advice i will take it to mind when i talk to him tonight
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A
female
reader, mum2two +, writes (5 March 2012):
mum2two is verified as being by the original poster of the questionin the beginning all was good, i started feeling this way after i moved in with him and i realized he was a bit controling. and like i said i had no where else to go,it started by him slowly isolating me from friends, then family from there started the forbidden list. im 23 bday this 7th anyway...... after i had my babies 2(3/18/10) 10m(4/25/11) thats when things got worse w/ all the you cant do this or that or im taking the kids. heres the 411 on what i cant(forbidden) to do work,cell phone,friends,call family in ak,use the web unless hes there to watch(im sneaking on using my dsi),drive(i have no drivers licence),get my g.e.d, i cant where hoop ear ring not even small size(hooker rings to him),cant where red heels or red clothes (hooker color to him) so im sorry if i sound selfish but im trying to find whats best for me and my babies p.s the last time we(me n the babies) left the house was 3 weeks ago for my sons dr visit and be for that was 7 months ago to his moms house for dinner.does this sound like a happy normal relationship? dont get me wrong in the beginingit was simi okay but once i got prego like i said is when he changed. if i could get him to go back to th old him id stay with him and work on it. but if not i cant stay i cant live like this i miss my family and idk how there doing. please what should i do.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (4 March 2012): It would have been kinder to him and the children if you hadn't married him.
If you trully can't see a future,have tried everything to make it work, then it is best to leave, to break away and plan a future with you and the kids.It won't be easy, there will be alot of struggling with alot of responsibility, its not just you now.So think long and hard first and talk to you husband about how you feel.
And if you do split,least your husband is free to move on too, to find somebody who does love him. Hopefully he will be there for the children too.
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A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (4 March 2012):
 You don't find your husband attractive anymore, implying you used to? Children can do some awesome things to a marriage. When I say awesome I mean it tests the strongest couples. When you care about your happiness then you will be somewhat selfish. The thought of leaving a marriage itself is not that bad but why not use this time to develop financial independence, which is hard to achieve when you become a single mom, because you need the extra child care that won't be there and you have to drive back and forth. When you have to do this you can't be that much happier. It is hard to find a date when you have to juggle work, two children and driving back and forth.
To answer your question, the quest of happiness itself is your birthright. To get married to a person you don't love and then to extract financial value from him that's selfish from the beginning because when you get married you vowed to stay true to him. I think you should give it some time. Sure it seemed like the right thing to do to get married but it has consequences when you feel stuck in it now. Your husband took care of you so you owe it to him to at least try counselling before just taking off because again some actions are irreversible.
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