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age
41-50,
anonymous
writes: I feel drained and used by my friends. When they have problems, I listen to them and am there for them. However when I talk to them, they don't repay me in the same way. They'll instead reply with "Well, at least this didn't happen" or they try to downplay it in some way. They do have a point- things could always be worse- but I feel like they make my problems seem so small and something not worth complaining about. They then resume talking about their own problems. I don't know how to address this with them without it coming off as rude.I also feel like I always lend a helping hand to them or are there to comfort them when they need comforting. But with me, they simply don't have time or are only nice for a little bit. Like I'm only allowed a certain "window" to be upset or something. (It's not like I am always upset or anything, I just want someone to listen to me like I listen to them!) I know I am whining here and sound childish, but I don't get why I don't receive the same treatment as I give them. I put so much effort into the friendship and they don't seem to put in as much as I do. Also, if I start saying "no" or say I'm too busy to listen, they get upset and then I feel bad. I don't know what to do anymore. Any thoughts or suggestions? Reply to this Question
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female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (29 July 2010):
 People comfort each other in different ways. You comfort your friend the way you would like them to comfort you, and they comfort you the way they would like you to comfort them. Most probably. People interact differently, what you put in is not always what you get in return, which is kind of the fun part of having friends, they make your life a bit more interesting.
If you are not happy with the way they handle your problems when you feel like you need to rant on, find more friends. I don't mean to leave your old ones, but typically there is one friend who is good for one thing, and another friend that is good for another.
Just as an example.., think of Carrie in Sex and the City. When she wants to discuss sex she doesn't go to Charlotte, but to Samantha, and when she needs a serious talk about ex-boyfriends or whatever she goes to Miranda. Different friends for different purposes.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (29 July 2010): I understand this problem very well. You have become the person everyone comes to when they need advice or need to talk. You are a rock to them. So when they hear your troubles, its unsettling to them, since you have always been theire support. In their mind they want to think things are always alright with you and they can always come for help. You have to make them understand that you have your own problems also. Show them that you have always been there for them, and they need to be there for you too. It doesnt matter if its a small problem to them, or it doesnt compare to their own, if its a problem you are dealing with and having trouble with, they should be concerned and try to help you as you would with them. You have been a great friend and great person. Dont ever think differently. Dont let their attitude change you. Just try to open up with them and have them understand that your problems might not seam as bad to them, but they are YOUR problems and you need help dealing with them. It doesnt matter how anyone else sees them, all that matters is that they help you. If they cant do that and arent willing to be there for you, then they dont deserve to have a great friend like you. But dont ever bottle things up. Its important to always let it out, even if people dont listen or help, its still good to get it out. Try to talk to them when they are happy. Or if they bring up a problem, do the same thing they do and change the subject to your problem. Or try to relate one of your problems to their life and solve it together.
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A
female
reader, Oregongrl1  +, writes (29 July 2010):
They are wanna be friends who don't give one hoot about you! and they only think of them selve's i know plenty of people like that but their not my friends. and further more you tolerate it put your foot down and say no'more. and you will see a difference if not? oh well you haven't lost any friends now have you.
Good Luck!
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A
female
reader, pinktopaz +, writes (29 July 2010):
I don't think it's childish at all. I'm 26 and go through the same thing with my friends. Honestly, I feel the same way A LOT of the time. But I guarantee you, at least one of them probably feels the same way you do.
I think all you can do is grin and bare it. It's annoying, but find one friend that you can vent to and does listen to you. You don't need all of them to, but there's at least one that probably listens more or "better" than the others do.
Try and think of it as a compliment, they like talking to you because you listen and they probably value your input. Also remember, that people in general are just selfish and only care about themselves (including your friends) so they're just human. I know what you mean though, sometimes you just wish they would show the same consideration for you as you do for them. I have plently of stories and could go on and on about feeling the way that you do--but we're here for you and you can always message me or anyone else if you needed to.
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