A
female
age
51-59,
*mapeaches
writes:Had been having ... hate to use the word affair.. a REALLY close friendship with a married man.. it had been going on for 9 years.. recently I had insisted on complete platonic (two years of platonic) relationship due to a new relationship that i was in.. he called insisted on seeing me.. i went, did some kissing, and he died on his way home. Now I am lost.. Can't cope.. been going on like nothing happened but a part of me is broken.. how do i deal with something i am unable to deal with in front of anyone? no one could know how much i lost.. holding it all in is eating me up inside. i feel like I am going to implode.. help me..
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, gmapeaches +, writes (10 January 2008):
gmapeaches is verified as being by the original poster of the question today would have been his birthday... my heart is filled with sadness and loss... none of which can be expressed in my current environment.... i love my boyfriend... but i miss this man.. i miss the flirtation i miss his smile, i miss his smell.. how pathetic is that... i miss being able to breathe the same air as him.....it hurts so much... i can't even begin to explain....
A
female
reader, gmapeaches +, writes (26 November 2007):
gmapeaches is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHi.. so the original problem was not being able to get over the loss of a good friend.. its seven months later.. and you know days go by where I feel ok.. but its like auto pilot.. and i hate to waste a moment.. i mean his life is over.. and here i am.. not living.. just being.. not savoring.. it feels like disrespect.. he would have been a grandpa again.. and i know what that was to him.. he was the grandpa going to see the silly movies.. you know its such a cliche.. but the good doesn't feel as good the pretty doesn't seem as pretty the funny isn't as funny.. the sky isn't as blue its all like there is a haze over the top of it with out him.. and its not right.. he lost his chance to enjoy the sky, the pretty, the funny.. it was taken away for whatever reason god does what he does.. and i waste it.. i see the wrongness but.. can't escape the haze.. i want so bad to talk to his family.. but not welcome there.. to talk to someone else who loved him.. but there is no one.. i miss not knowing what is going on with them.. there is a cousin who comes to where i work and asked me why i was at his funeral.. i gave a random answer that he came here every day and we were "all" saddened by his loss.. and kind of throw questions at him.. find out how everyone is.. i just don't know how it will ever be ok.. how i will ever be ok..
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A
female
reader, gmapeaches +, writes (24 October 2007):
gmapeaches is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you all for your very nice and heartfelt thoughts and advice.. I do have a current boyfriend who i truly love and he knew that this man was a friend, but when we became serious I never mentioned the "how close" we were. I did not want him to feel threatened by this man. I wanted to be able to keep him in my life, which I was. I was able to be just his friend. As far as the nature of my relationship that with my "Close Friend" it had been somewhat of a sexual nature.. however.. in 9 years it went there 3 times. We were really good friends that kissed held hands shared our lives. Still wrong. Admittedly. I am extremely greatful for having known this man. he was incredibly sweet to me and gave me the purest love I have ever known. once again.. thank you all..
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A
female
reader, h20gal +, writes (24 October 2007):
 gmapeaches,figured I would step out of the female anonymous and into the aunt setting. I am a bit older than you, and have unfortunately felt the crushing blow of the sudden unexpected loss of the greatest loves of my life, my lover and both of my brothers. At least each was separate, otherwise I probably wouldn't have made it to today. Is it going to hurt? undeniably. Will you always have a tremble to your lip or shed a tear when someone walks by in just that same way... yes. Will it become bearable. Absolutely, and don't doubt that for a moment.
You need to forgive yourself, honey. I honestly think that since you have no one to turn to right now, you need to turn into yourself. Try not to become self-destructive, believe me, it only hurts yourself more. At least a weekend somewhere quiet, where no one knows you, scenic so that you can rest your eyes and soul on beauty, cry to your hearts content, but realize that he is gone.
You had the best gift that anyone could ever be given, a chance to see him, to kiss him, to smell him one more time. Nothing else can be asked for. I only wish I had that chance. We cannot change what happened, but we can make peace with ourselves for what happened. You didn't know that it would be your last time, how could you. He wouldn't want you to fall apart for him, love, so why do it to yourself. Find the strength to forgive yourself, but in order to do this, you must grieve. Only then can you find the closure and peace so that the pain may subside.
Peace and love. Contact me if you want.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 October 2007): I'm so sorry, dear, hang in there. Perhaps you could take time away, just yourself for the weekend, and stay somewhere quiet and scenic and let yourself cry, remember the good times, and say goodbye to him. You need closure, and are in a situation where you must give it to yourself. Please take care and I am shedding a tear for you.
Peace and love.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (23 October 2007): I really feel for you. You cannot possibly tell anyone, yet you have lost someone very close to you. You need to go and have a word with your doctor and ask him for some advice and help. He will be able to put in the direction of some professional help that i do think you need right now. For this to of lasted so long and to end the way it did is so awful, i wish i could give you a hug. I hope that by getting it off your chest to us has helped a little bit. Please keep in touch if you want.
Sending you big hugs.
take care
xx
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (23 October 2007): My heart goes out to you, as I'm sure many other people's will. Have you confided in anyone at all about the closeness of your relationship with this man? Do you have a dear friend you could talk to about it? After all, if they judge you at a time like this, they are no friend. What about family? If you honestly feel there is no one you would feel comfortable talking about this with, you MUST speak to a counsellor. If you can't afford to do this privately, or through RELATE, get referred by your GP. I've done this and it was infinitely helpful and I feel much better for it.
I know it may be no comfort now, but think on this: many people live their lives without being loved by anyone. You have had the love of at least two people very dear to you (this man and your other relationship). This man obviously loved you dearly, especially as he was prepared to have a platonic relationship rather than lose you - how rare that is! The more deeply we love, the more painful life can be sometimes when we lose that love, however this happens. But far worse never to have loved, or been loved.
In time, with the support of friends if possible, or at the very least with counselling and your own natural strength and healing mechanisms, you will be able to move on and your lost love will become a dear memory. Remember, he would have wanted you to live your life and move on after grieving. And human beings are naturally programmed to be able to find strength after bereavement. Even though it can feel like forever before you will feel OK, it won't be.
Good luck. And DO talk to someone, friend, relative or counsellor - as soon as you possibly can. xx Leonie
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A
female
reader, gmapeaches +, writes (23 October 2007):
gmapeaches is verified as being by the original poster of the questionYes that might be a good idea, however i have no insurance, I have no ability to let my current partner know how bad this has hurt me.. if i was able to express my loss to my loved ones.. well i probably wouldn't be writing to strangers looking for help..
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