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male
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anonymous
writes: Ok, I've got problems with my marraige and I really need some help. I'm 25 years old and my wife is 24. We've been married for 4 1/2 years and have two children. Our sex life has been downhill since we got married, but has gotten worse in the last year. I'm lucky to get it once a month, which does not work for me at all. We used to have sex all the time, and she was willing to try new things, now I can't even touch her without her pulling away from me. I've brought the problem to her attention several times, and it never helps, and we never come to a resolution. I have had the feeling before that she was cheating on me, but when I brought it up, she denied everything, swore that she would never do that to me. About a year ago, she had a guy text messaging her cell phone, after I brought it up, it stopped. Then about a month ago, it happened again, same phone number on her brand new cell phone with a number that this guy could not have possibly had. After I brought it up, it stopped again. At this point I had told her that if anything was going on she needed to tell me then or I was going to leave. She again swore to me that nothing was going on, but I'm not sure what to do. I can't live like this anymore. I am completely miserable. When we get home from work, she sits on the computer playing games for about 3 hours and then goes to bed. I can't even talk to her anymore. It's off and on, sometimes she is the greatest person in the world, the person I fell in love with, and more often, she is this other person that I can't get along with, who won't let me touch her or give her a real kiss. That's another thing too, it's been about 3 years since we've had a truly passionate kiss. I am in complete turmoil about this whole thing. To be quite honest with you, the decision would be a lot easier if my kids weren't involved. I don't want to do anything to hurt them, I love my kids to death. I know if I left then my wife and kids would go live with her mom, but her mother is not a very good influence for the kids, either. I know there's no way that my wife could afford to have a nice place to live if I left. I just want my kids to be able to grow up in a nice stable home. If I did leave then I would probably still end up paying for the house along with trying to get my own place and then not have anything left for me to live on. I just don't know what to do. I am completely lost. If my wife would just sit down and have a serious conversation with me, then maybe we could work this out. She refused to go to counseling too, I've tried that as well. I want to work it out, I love my wife, but what we're doing now is not a life and I need some help. Please.
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (2 November 2005): Wow-questions really don’t get much harder or heart wrenching than this one. How to fix the shattered, the irreparable, or the disappeared? You don’t. There are simply things that cannot be fixed. Instead, they must be cried over and mourned. You and your spouse cannot fix your marriage as it was. Something went wrong but there's hope. You can start anew.
The fact that you are still together says that you both have a sense of committment. That teeny sliver of commitment is enough of a place to stand to begin again. You must think I am nuts to tell you that one can start over with something this broken, but it can be done.
Nevertheless, it has been done, many, many times. It is a time of courage, soul-searching, and honesty. It takes strong will, grit and determination. It is a time to bite the tongue until it bleeds, and listening through tears. It is time for both of you to submit to that third entity in your lives that you have been ignoring, called 'your Marriage'.
Remember, love is not a feeling, but instead, love is a decision. Find a damned good marriage counselor committed to restoring broken marriages. This will the only way to get your marriage back on track. Find some friends or family that can be supportive. And both of you need hug your children close to you. Hold onto that family. Many married people have strayed and drifted, but a lot of them have used courage, love, forgiveness, and grace to grow into the best of families.
Get to that counselor...your marriage and happiness depend on it. If she refuses to go-then you go and learn how to repair your marriage. In time, she will take note of your progress and the positive changes because you'll become a more compassionate man and she'll begin to realize how valuable her marriage and family are. Work hard and don't give up. Take care and bless you, dear.
Hugs,
Irish
A
male
reader, leroy_jackson_jr +, writes (2 November 2005):
Listen buddy, my wife left me a couple years ago to be with her new "boyfriend." We have two children, and now I raise them myself. If you decide to leave, keep custody of the children. Be a man, be a father, and raise those kids yourself. It can be done. If she is on the computer for 3 hours a day, you must be doing some of the work yourself. After she leaves, you will be shocked at how much better life can be, even as a single daddy. I would have it no other way, though it is a challenge sometimes. Now, I am waiting for that one right woman now, but I am not wasting time with a wife who is cheating on me, making me look like a schmuck and never having sex. Just because you are a man, doesn't mean you should automatically give up your kids. You are just as good a parent as she is.
Good luck.
Ed
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reader, anonymous, writes (1 November 2005): It looks like u'v really thought this through..which is a really good start. It seems to...from my point of view that maybe, just maybe ur right about ur wife. but it cud also b a manner of reasons. for a start she shud loose this internet malarky every night..3 hours is not healthy, especially for a woman that is married and has two kids. I truly empathise with u. sumthing has got to b dun and i can see u truly love this woman and u have tried many things to try and sort it out. i can only really suggest one thing, as I am not an expert on these situations. Maybe u shud try and speek to ur mother in law..or a close member of the familly, ask them if theyl have th kids for the night. this will give u and ur wife sum alone time. disconnect the internet 2 that wud b a good idea. i think it may call for drastic measures. maybe with th childrem gone she may loosen up abit. It is hard having children and settling down at such a young age..being a mum..and maybe ur wife jus needs time to remember wot it was like b4 the children came along. talk to her calmy n slowly, tell her how u feel, tell her wot u miss, and wot u love about her. dnt go accusing her of nething just yet, as it wont help things..shel assume u dnt trust her. trust is a big part of marriage, and maybe it is this lack of trust that is making her uneasy around u. one thing i am for sure...u need time alone just the 2 of u...maybe a break to rekindle things. if that dusnt work then i personally do not know wot to suggest. I hope I have been slightly helpful, and I truly hope that u and ur wife can rekindle ur love once again. best of luck.
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