A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:So basically I'm concerned that not having boyfriend experience will cause me to have a horrible first relationship. I'm not saying I wanted to have a boyfriend in high school simply for the sake of having one, but I just wish I had had that experience to learn how relationships worked. To get comfortable with the idea and learn what kinds of ups and downs to expect. The problem? I'm currently in my 2nd year of college and I have still NEVER had a boyfriend. (I'm 19 by the way). The main issue I'm afraid of, is that if the time comes that miraculously I do get a boyfriend, I'm worried that, as it being my first, that I'll get too attached and basically scare him away. I'm worried that I'll be a horrible, boring girlfriend who has no idea what kinds of things I'm supposed to do. In my mind I'm thinking of someone who I can just hang out with but who makes me feel like I'm not alone, you know what I mean? I don't want to make out all over the place. I just want someone who truly wants to be with me. At the moment I'm starting to wonder if that will ever happen. And to go along with the boyfriend issue, I'm afraid of being pressured to do sexual activities. I don't know why the thought of it has always made me so uncomfortable...I think part of it has to with my self-consciousness when it comes to my body. I don't feel as though I'd be mentally prepared...at the moment I still find the idea of sex to be disgusting. Now don't go saying it's because I'm immature, because I am. I just don't see the "joy" of it at the moment. My roommate recently revealed to me that she had sex last year when we were roommates and I was totally floored. I was sitting here thinking that her and her perfect boyfriend would be ones to wait and not jump into it right away, but she said she felt ready and they're still together so I guess she was right. It's just that since she told me that and since my friend who's a year younger than me has already had a boyfriend and immediately got attention from guys when she came to the college this year (lots of making out) has made me feel so little compared to them. I don't mean it as a competition, but more like I feel that they're growing up around me and I'm stuck being held back in this unready stage. I've even told myself that I wouldn't have sex until I got married just so I would know I was "doing it" with the right guy and not just have a fling and that have the guy totally desert me.To be perfectly honest I just don't feel like I should be having these worries at my age. I mean I'm an adult and yet I still think the act of sex will be gross. I do think that it's mainly because without a relationship I've never developed sexual hormones. I do kinda hope that a relationship will form these emotions so I'm not as scared but I'm just so unsure.How do I get over these worries?
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female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (2 November 2013):
 In college, it's totally fine to have a boyfriend just for the sake of having one. You date because you want companionship, you want to learn about men. It's very rarely that you get a boyfriend because you found "the one."
Your worries are causing you to overthink everything and taking away the joy. People get dates when they send out vibes that they are available. I am not sure if you've never had a boyfriend because you were closed to the idea, or you've had offers and you shied away. I feel that people who get into relationships have some kind of anxiety but their curiosity and passion override everything. All people, not just young inexperienced ones.
Women go through stages in their sexual lives. You learn emotional bonding at first and then at a later stage in life you discover the joys of kink. And then occasionally you find yourself in asexual times.
It's natural to have all these questions. In general, I feel it's better to explore at your age rather than wait until you find Mr. Right. I had my first boyfriend at 20. I was very attached and all those childhood abandonment issues came back. I also had great times like first kiss first sex first vacation. We backed out of marriage. Break up was hard. The other relationships were just as intense. I never thought about how little or how late I started my relationships and how it affected me. They were all worth it and my unpreparedness was irrelevant. We all learn things from each other and sex is just a part of it. You have sexual hormones. It's possible that the media has grossed it out, cheapened it and you are confused what sex is really about. Sex is misused a lot of the times but there is beauty in there.
A
male
reader, 11muds11 +, writes (2 November 2013):
Good News. Every good man I know loves a late bloomer. Most of my friends are married to late bloomers and they're all still married to them.I think the key is for you to relax and do the simple things to meet a good guy. Go out and join lots of clubs where you have interest. Even if you go a few times, you'll be the new girl and you'll find a guy with common interests. Try not to get worked up as almost every female I know has felt the way you do at one time or another. You just haven't found the right guy yet. Just relax, and when you meet the right guy, let him know things have to slowly. A good guy will understand as long as you keep encouraging him, and don't act like a tease.You sound like a kind, sensitive soul. I think your reaction to your friend having sex last year says a lot. Were you taught that sex before marriage was wrong or overly encouraged to wait? Something there is causing some inhibitions and it looks like it's affecting you. I would definitely talk to a school counsellor or someone else about that. But it's no real biggie, just make sure you talk. It'll make you a lot less worried, and will help with your relationships.I hope this helps. Good luck.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (2 November 2013): Meh I'm 27 and not had really had a proper relationship so don't worry!Just be happy, look after yourself and don't worry about your friends - thats just part of the teenage brain working, eventually you'll grow out of worry about others - just do whats right for you and have the strength to stick to your beliefs - there is nothing worse than doing something through peer pressure! Eg things didn't work out with a girl I met after a couple of dates, but at least at every point I acted true to myself - I feel good for that and if things weren't meant to be they weren't - but at least I acted true to myself and that felt good.As for what you're meant to do in a relationship? Just be yourself! Yeah there are guys who would just like to hang out out there and enjoy spending time with you for who you are - you just need to find him, but theres no rush when you're 19. Maybe you're just seeing all the players who like to try it on. The right guy who loves you will wait till the end of the earth for you so don't bow to any pressure now - 19 is still young!!Above all, just chill, relax and feel good about yourself - it doesn't matter what your friends are doing. I bet you'll feel happy at 30 when you've just got married to your ideal man and your friend is divorced and knocked up with 2 kids because she just dived in with some player only interested in her for sex.
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