A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:I have been married for 9 months. I knew this guy for 5 years (we were dating for 5 years). We were engaged once after 6 months of dating. When I approached him with date of wedding he said that he was not ready. We broke up, but started to date again after one month. Spent another 2 years. When I was getting ready to break up he proposed me again. I was happy. Started to dream about wedding day. Everything was good for one month, but again he stopped to talk about wedding and any preparation. One month before wedding day I got message from anonymous teling me that my boyfrined is in love with somebody else. I showed that to him but he denied. Good thing of that e-mail was that he started to prepare wedding. We had great wedding and everything was good for one month. Soon I found on his bussines cell phone message to somebody telling that marriage was not what he tought was. When I asked him about that, he said it was joke. Soon, he approached me with his plann to go to coast with motorcycle while I had to work. I did not agree, so he did not go. But than soon he left for 3 days with his male friend. After he came back he was nice and looked like he wanted to fix everything. But I found on his cell phone again message from some female. He said that he did not want to have affair with her. She was just friend. We had a lot of verbal fights, but evey time I had to approach him first. I have never tough about divorce. 5 days before new year he left to visit his sick friend in another town. He turned off cell phone so I could not reach him. When he came back he was sick. Two days before end we made love and everything looked OK. But than he spent 2 days with his parents and came back with statement that he wanted divorce. I moved out his place same morning. 3 hours later his lawyer called me about divorce. I was shocked. I did not want divorce. I live at my place and waiting for divorce. I tryed to talk to him, but he does not want to come back. I am still shocked and I can not believe that this is happening. Please help and advice how tom survive this.
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affair, broke up, divorce, engaged, moved out, wedding Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, Nikita  +, writes (28 January 2007):
 I do feel for you. You wanted everything to be just right. You had a vision of how a marriage should be and he's turned it sour and ugly for you. It has been an on/off relationship for you and you've kept clinging on and hoping that it would work and for a while it seemed like it but I think that he's not ready for this at all. He seems confused and insecure. One minute he wants to get married then its not for him. Marriage isnt a 'phase' that one can try and then chuck away when its not right. He obviously wasnt prepared to work at it or even confront the problems and issues that existed between you. You want tcommitment and he doesnt. if he wont talk to you about this or come back then you'll have to try and accept his decision. Im so sorry it didnt work out but think of it this way, at least now you can be free to find someone who truely wants to be with you. You can be happy again I promise you and one day you will be. just take each day at a time okay. Good luck x Below are a couple of websites that might help you.
Free Breakup Help
Free advice to get your ex back or
help you get over your breakup!
hopecircle.com
You Can Save The Marriage
You can have the relationship you
want. It only takes one! Learn how
www.savethemarriage.com
A
reader, anonymous, writes (28 January 2007): The only way you can go now is forward, dear. It seems there was another female smack dab in the middle of your marriage and your husband allowed it. What makes a marriage truly strong is standing together against some outside challenge and threat. Your husband couldn't do this with you because he allowed the threat to permeate your marriage. He had a secret all along and even though all the 'red flags' he sent up were overlooked by you, realize that secrets have no place in the intimacy of your marriage. Because he did this to you, it was impossible for him to be close to you because he hid so much. Your only mistake here, was you got caught up in the idea of a dream wedding to this man, and you overlooked those red flags. Don't be so hard on yourself.
Go to your own family and trusted friends and seek support and comfort from them. We all deal with tough times and heartache much better, when we are with people who really love us. Right now, you need compassion, kindness, sensitivity and trustworthiness, Who better to offer that, than the people you trust the most...your own family. Get your divorce and try hard to be strong, to heal and recover. Take care of yourself and I am sorry.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (28 January 2007): I am sure you are shocked and I am sorry this is happening, it sure does not seem fair does it as long as you waited for the marriage proposal.
One thing strikes me about your post here, it is very matter of fact and gives details of his reluctance to get married and there were several signs that he was not ready.
Rightly or wrongly, sometimes men feel that a woman is not in love with him, but only the wedding or the marriage or the fantasy of a marriage, especially when they feel any pressure to do it....I can understand why you had to ask for the proposal though, as you did not want to waste more years just dating, but it sounds like you never left him, you never let him chase you, so perhaps that is what fueled his falling out of love for you so to speak.
I am also struck by the lack of emotional depth to your question here, not saying that you don't have it or don't feel it, but it is just an observation that it is not written here, but simply stated as fact that you are shocked...so perhaps your husband does not really know you emotionally, as you are holding back, and just checking his cell phone for proof instead of talking to him about it, and I see a lack of trust due to the e-mail you received about him being in love with someone else....maybe that issue was never resolved and the relationship was not put on solid ground before you tied the knot.
On the positive side, if he is a commitment phobe, it is good that you found out so early in your marriage before you had children, and maybe he feels he is doing the right thing by you, by leaving and freeing you to be with someone who truly wants to be married to you, maybe he got caught up in trying to please you and doing what he thought was expected of him to find out that he simply does not want to be married to anyone. Marriage is not for everyone.
I don't know how to help you understand this, as I don't know your whole situation, but it sounds like the divorce is in the works, and the only thing you can do is ask him if he will stop and consider some marital counseling before he ends his vows that he stood up in front of God and everyone else and made to you, tell him it is a big decision that he is making without your input, and would he consider getting some help with you....it is never too late to try, but if he won't do that, then go yourself to help you cope and to learn what went wrong and to help resolve your issues so you don't take them into the next relationship....
Hope this helped you in some way.
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