A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Hey Everyone, This is my first time writing here, but it’s the holiday season, and it has been kinda ruined by my ex. So here goes a little background info: My ex and I were first platonic friends to this date we have known each other for 7 years, but were mainly friends for that time. He acted like the nicest man you would ever meet. I met him online. We were online friends for a long time during a period of my life when I had some health problems and I didn't know what was wrong nor did the doctors. He was very supportive of me always during this time, and he said he even wanted to date me. Also, we had a lot of common interests and we had a lot of parallels in our lives like similar things happened it was crazy. But anyway, I couldn't understand why because at the time I was struggling to get through college, didn't have a job, and just I thought was too unstable in my life. He was a professional man and had his life in order. I thought it was sweet he wanted to date me, but I wanted to have my life together. He would flirt with me all the time. He would ask me over to watch movies, but it was on a first meeting and I felt uncomfortable. He would ask me to come over and fool around (we sometimes had sexually charged conversations). Even when he was dating someone (but it wasn’t a serious relationship) he would do this too when he didn’t enjoy the sex with them. Ok, I know this all sounds bad, but he was like a drug to me… he made me feel wonderful. He made me feel special. I never did meet up with him though that way. So, long story short, after I got my college degree we finally met and had a date in person. The date went very well, but things heated up physically as in a sexual sense on the first date. I know we knew each other, but it just took me by surprise. We met for a second time, and things heated up again, but it bothered me that I didn’t get to know him as in little things like how he drinks his coffee or his favorite color, but I knew what he looked like undressed. Also, I didn’t know how I felt about him emotionally at this point. I really liked him a lot and was attracted, but that was about it. The next time we were talking online, he basically asked me over to come over to his place at 10-11 PM at night to fool around with each other. I did not go because I wanted time to make sure the guy I just met was the man I thought he was. I didn’t want to put myself in a bad situation. I should also mention I’ve had bad experiences with guys before one guy I dated threatened to stalk drug and rape me, and in my family a few of my relatives have been raped. So, I’ve always been afraid of it happening to me. Anyway, we basically stopped dating each other. He was mad at me when I asked him to slow down because he thought it was a step backward. So for a year I totally stopped talking to him, but I missed him so contacted him again and we talked about things, and it was the same issue. Ultimately, we ended up casually dating each other for 8-9 months which I hated because of other women being in the background. There were times he would say he felt we were growing as a couple and I would ask him to see more of each other and he said no. He would say out of anyone he dated that he talked to me the most. He would also break dates a lot sometimes for legit reasons, and other times he said he was too tired, and I was cool with just watching a movie together things like that it didn’t always have to be running out some where. He would also never try to make the dates up when he broke them. Sometimes I was about to leave to meet him and he would break them. Also, he didn’t give me his number right away this time because the last time I didn’t give him mine. My cell at the time was broken, and I didn’t want to give out a land line since you can just look it up on the internet. He was being a little passive aggressive this time around. Also the first time I dated him prior to that I had a little social anxiety so it was hard for me to do stupid things like give out numbers and trust people easily, and also my voice sounds younger than what it is so I worried he would think I was a kid and not an adult. So he ultimately did give it to me and told me that he wanted me to know how he felt when I didn’t give him my number. So there was a passive aggressive element to him. Also, I would make suggestions for things to do on dates and he acted like he was interested and then they never happened. Like he is interested in war history so I said why not take a trip to see one of the battlefields things like that and he said sure that would be awesome and it never happened. He would say he felt like we were growing as a couple and I would ask to see more of each other and he said that it wouldn’t be fair to the other women he dated. He would ask more of me sexually (like anal sex), but he wouldn’t promise not to do that with other women, or see more of me and make it more of a relationship or even try dating each other exclusively and if it didn’t work we would then know. He would turn things around making me feel like I was inconsiderate. I saw something on TV about anal sex at this time and I said I saw this on the news and I was concerned because he was with other women. Long story short, he was pissed at me that I changed my mind because of what I saw on TV when I changed my mind because I was worried about him sleeping with other women. Anyway, I felt like he would blow off my concerns about him having sexual relationships with other women, and the risks it brought into my life saying I should trust him more and the people he chose to have relations, that he practiced safe sex… yet there were times we didn’t always use a condom when I gave him oral sex. I know that is bad, but quite honestly I only used them because he was with other people. So other women put a big wedge between us getting closer as a couple. Also, he wouldn’t always call me when he said he would or call closer to when he said he would like the next day. I understand getting tired sometimes or things coming up, but it hurt my feelings when he wouldn’t call. He told me later it wasn’t a priority because we would just chit chat and it wasn’t an important conversation he needed to have that minute that he gets busy. I dunno, when you care about someone you would think that it lights your day when you talk to them. He wouldn’t change any of these behaviors so we ended up stopping dating each other. I couldn’t continue to date him and be his friend with benefits I wanted to be his girlfriend. I couldn’t call being intimate with him just screwing around for fun it meant something to me… but I guess it didn’t mean much to him. He claimed I was trying to change him into someone he wasn’t and that I didn’t like him for him… things like that. Ok, I know all of this sounds bad, but the good stuff was when in the beginning and he did act like he cared, and he is really good to his family and in his job he works very hard and what not. And for a paper he wrote, he dedicated it to an advisor of his that died… and he was funny, and warm, and I loved when we would talk about everything and anything… and then he turned on me. Fast forward to now… after we stopped dating we still would talk to each other just about once a week to twice a week. Recently our conversations would last like 2 hours and he only ended it because he had work in the morning, and I apologized for keeping him on the phone for so long, and then he said to me that he really enjoyed our conversation in a voice that you would talk to a girlfriend not just a friend, and he said he wanted to talk to me later in the week. So, we did talk later in the week, and it was fine… a usual platonic conversation, but he turned it into a sexual one. Now, we have had sexual conversations before, so I thought perhaps he was still interested in me and attracted the way he was talking to me. It was like the good old days. He told me how he had fond memories of being intimate with me and things like that, and how he knew I wouldn’t be interested now since we hadn’t seen each other. So, long story short, I called him on it and he drops the bomb that he is dating someone and can’t date me now. He claims he wants to stay friends. Said he has no interest in me romantically. I had no idea he was in a relationship and I felt horrible afterwards when I found out. First of all, you don’t talk to an ex you dated 1-2 times a week and spend hours talking to her nor do you have sexually explicit conversations with her while you are in a relationship with someone else. He goes and apologizes for it. Then I called him on the mean things he did to me, and he turns it around that I didn’t say one nice thing about him. It was only the good things that kept me around quite honestly… but he did consistently lie to me throughout like he lied about his age and shaved 3-4 years off, which ok I can understand a little, but it still hurt, he lied about wanting to do more activities with me, but didn’t, and there was something weird this past summer we would NEVER go back to his apartment. One time he said it was too messy to go there… so after a while I got suspicious and I went on to look up his address and his name was listed at his parents address. Previous to that time his name was never listed with them so I wondered if he was back home living with his parents because he made the comment how he had wished by his age how he owned his own home. I thought maybe he didn’t tell me because it was embarrassing to live back home and he was saving to buy his own home or something like that which I wouldn’t have cared. He is in his late thirties and I’m in my late twenties just so you know. Also, I wanted note we were casually dating so he could see other women and I could date other men. Ok so the recap is he was a nice guy that started to act mean and nasty, tell lies, and what not, and tried to manipulate me to get what he wanted from me sexually… all the while stating he was a nice guy and wasn’t just using me for sex. Like sometimes we would meet up spontaneously for an intimate encounter, but then later that month we wouldn’t go out and have a date so that was an issue for me. So I wondered if you guys thought he was just a player/jerk or if he was a sociopath because I am still sort of pure when it comes to sex I’m like the new virgin sort of… I’ve never had intercourse, but have done other things. So I wondered if that was his conquest for me to deflower a virgin and he acted like a nice guy to get into my heart, manipulate me, and hope I would bend. I know that that can be said about a lot of mean people out there to do that, but also he has never had a serious relationship by his age, never married nor had a long-term girlfriend. His mother left his father at a young age saying she didn’t want to be married or a mother any more. So I thought perhaps deep down he hated women and wanted to get revenge. Or he was mad that I left him before and wanted to take revenge out on me… I just don’t know, but it hurts like hell that someone that was supportive and kind and caring and compassionate, and sensitive turned into a jerk. My question for all of you is if he sounds like just a mean guy or if he sounds like a mild sociopath. I’m just trying to get closure from this relationship and move on. My family just says to me to stop talking about it and get over it… my friends do too… and I want to, but it is hard for me to face the facts that he did mean things to me. Other guys I dated were jerks so it was ok for me to accept it, but for someone I did love very much treating me like trash is hard for me to wrap my mind around. So if you guys out there could let me know what you think I would be grateful. As for what I wanted with him, I wanted to love him, do sweet things for him, take care of him, make love to him in my own way, have passion and romance with him, meet his family, be supportive of them too. I didn’t want him to be so caught up with me he didn’t have time to be with his family… they are very close… I wanted him to still be able to hang out with his friends and do things that were important to him. I wanted to share new memories and romance. If you need more details let me know. Thanks
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anal sex, condom, flirt, friend with benefits, move on, my ex, oral sex, period, player, revenge, the internet Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 January 2010): Hi,
I can understand the emotional turmoil you are going through, went through something similar myself.
check out this blog: http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/
-really helped me. Hope it helps you too :)
Just remember , this has nothing to do with you and please don't blame yourself for anything.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 January 2010): it is obvious that this guy has a problem with intimacy and commitment. he is afraid to get closer to a woman except for when it comes to sex. the only way he knows how to get closer is in a sexual way. he obviously likes you and maybe he wants to get closer to you in a relationship type way...but he doesn't know how. i suspect a sexual addiction. i really do. and the whole part about his mom leaving really supports my theory. i have had many guys, including one recently, who acted like this. and one thing in common is the mom left at some point in their early life or young-adulthood. they are afraid that women will reject them just like their mothers did. so what do they do? they use sex as comfort and an ice breaker. because that's the one thing they what to do with a woman. they also think, " this probably won't work out, so i'll just enjoy the sex with her because heck she is hot and virginal." she is untouched. this turns him on. so my advice is to not get involved with this guy. make it clear that you aren't looking for sex right now. you want commitment and you want to be respected. make it known that you are not like his other "best friends with benefits" or " one night stands" that you are looking for respect and commitment and a loving caring relationship. if you hold your ground he might find this stimulating and attractive. he likes the chase. you can tell he still wants you. so if he really wants you entirely he will continue to chase you while you refuse not to give in. if you give in and have sex right away this guy will disappear and most likely not have interest in you. it is important for this guy to learn how real women want to be treated. don't sell yourself short.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (30 December 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionPlease someone answer... it would me a lot to me to get some feedback on the situation so that I may have some closure.
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