A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:My husband and I got married about 2 months ago after being together for nearly 5 years (living together for over 3 of those). We have always had great chemistry (really, no complaints in the bedroom), and while we have had our ups and downs like everyone, we generally got along. We could argue and things would be okay afterwards, nothing major. In the month leading up to our wedding, we had sex only 2 times, which I assumed was just the stress of all the planning and being very tired, etc. Then we went on a two week honeymoon in an extremely relaxed setting, during which we had sex only twice. Since coming back from the honeymoon, we haven't had sex at all. Actually, it's quite the opposite: it seems like we can't stop arguing. We have been together for half a decade, were both very ready to get married, have the same views on all the important issues (which were discussed at length before getting married, without even any minor bumps along the way), and there hasn't been any huge change to our lifestyle or work/living situations. We argue over things that are really trivial, the kinds of things every couple has arguments over, and it keeps going round and round and round.I'm not so naive to think that having sex will fix things (and indeed, right now it would probably make things worse since it would just ignore the problems and sweep everything under the rug), but I mention that because it's probably my strongest indicator that something is seriously wrong, given how active our sex life had always been. These days we talk, we shout, we discuss, we fight - it just goes on and on, one day after the next. The "best" we can do is to fake our way through dinner with the TV on in the background so there's no chance we might start speaking and end up arguing some more.The biggest problem with the fighting is that my husband has always had a bit of a mean streak -- the kind of guy who knows exactly what matters to you, how to hurt you with words, what name to call you or what sore subject to bring up -- and when he gets really angry, he loses his temper and lets all the mud fly. Normally (before now) there wasn't much arguing, so it rarely ever got to that point, and when it did, it was usually just one hurtful thing and I could get over it. Admittedly, though, I am really sensitive and I do take things personally, so while I would act nice once we had done our apologizing (and genuinely would want the arguing to stop), the "getting over it" part still usually took a few days before the sting had truly worn off. But now that all this fighting has gone on practically non-stop, he has really slung a lot of "mud," and without any break to recuperate, it's all just wearing me down. He says things that aren't easy to take back, but he doesn't understand how I can want peace and an end to the arguing but still not be ready to immediately turn around with a smile on my face. We have always been very cuddly, but I find myself not even wanting to hug him goodbye in the mornings (which is like a giant warning siren for me that something is wrong, because I have always wanted that, even when we were still mad or whatever). He has said some really awful things in the last few days but thinks I should just "let it go" because he said "sorry." Today I didn't say anything, I was just too down/depressed/upset/exhausted from all the fighting, but then even that was a problem because he was "in a good mood" when he came home and I "ruined it" by not also being in a good mood. *cue the fighting*We leave Saturday morning to fly to the west coast and spend two weeks with my family, who will definitely know that there's a lot of "trouble in paradise," no matter how much we try to hide it. Also, we'll have pretty much no privacy or alone time once we're there -- on top of it being the holidays, my sister is having a baby any day now, so there will be lots of family-togetherness.What can I do? How can we stop the fighting, get rid of all the anger and resentment, and get things back to normal?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 December 2011): When your husband gets angry, does he get destructive--throw things, punch holes in the wall, & so on? If he has a conflict at work, is it always the other person's fault?
A
female
reader, Miamine  +, writes (23 December 2011):
 I'm a great believer in traditions, ceremony and habits to help smooth out family life, religion is a great example of how to take old things, wash away problems and make them new again.
Weddings are supposed to do that, your supposed to leave your "father's house" and be given to your husband who will take care of you. You make a vow to a God, and in public before everyone you know.. you make a contract, to love, honour, etc...
Problem is, in our modern days we get so caught up with fixing weddings, paying for everything, sorting everything out, just the everyday details of life, that we kind of miss the importance of the words and the meaning of the symbolism.
Weddings are hard, so is the honeymoon.. so much stress, so much anticipation, so much worry about the future, the need for everything to be perfect, it's no wonder that many couples find the marriage starts off wrong.
1. You love him, he loves you, otherwise you wouldn't have spent so much money on doing the wedding thing.
2. You know him, he knows you... in the bible, they don't talk about sex, they talk about "knowing" your husband and wife. That's opening up more than your body, that's opening up your soul and your heart.
3. You've lived together and dated for a while, so there is nothing new that you haven't experienced before. Marriage didn't create two new people, your the same as you were before.
Nope, I'm not religious, I'm actually an atheist.... but different ways of thinking can teach us a lot. Bible says.. Man and woman cleave together, that means your stuck together like glue, and two people become one. When you fight and argue, your only hurting your self, you can't win a fight when one part of you (husband or wife) ends up unhappy. You always got to look for the win-win situation, and sometimes that means losing, and sometimes it's agreeing to disagree.. Being happy is more important that being right all the time.
Sex... Nope, smiles and hugs and laughs have to come first. Your on honeymoon, pretend it's like you first met. Think about what kind of ceremony you can create together to drive out all the bad air and resentment. Maybe make a dinner date to flirt and romance on Fridays. Or maybe a heart vow each day. Something like "My life began anew when I married you, and I want us to build something we can be proud of". I like to clean down all the walls with water and lemon (has to be done together).... kind of a sign of doing things new. Then freshen the air with water spray, and then comes the new contract, that is private and between you two. Things you will not allow or you expect to happen in your marriage from now on.
No going to bed angry. Arguments are solved that day or nobody gets any sleep. No personal attacks in arguments, and no upset because someone tells you the truth. Dinner without tv and with polite conversation. Kiss before bed, kiss in the morning, and kiss when you come from work. Regular gift giving, cheap and friendly, you give to him and he gives to you....... (insert your own ideas here)
Managed to keep my romance going for 18years doing this. Making ceremonies for your house and marriage, it tricks the mind into thinking about how to create happiness. Arguing and silence tells the mind and body, that marriage and spouse is a place of unhappiness and mistrust.
Just a couple of examples from me life.. but the fun part for you will be, how are you and your husband gonna make a new start and honour your marriage vows like you promised everybody. Fix that and the sex will come later and it will be great.
Talk to him, show him by example, work together.. Start your marriage anew. Try to love each other, as much as you love yourselves.. Now go to bed, forget the sex, just give him a kiss and cuddle up and tell him how much you love him.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (23 December 2011): I don't know if I'm qualified to give advice...I've never been married, but this sounds like you both are reacting to the new status change of marriage. You've both been comfortably dating for a long time and with it all sealed, perhaps you both had higher expectations of marriage that have been disappointed and so you're taking your disappointment out on each other.
As an impartial observer, I would say this is true of both long term relationships and good marriages: they work and continue because when one partner is suffering, the other partner feels a duty to help them overcome the suffering rather than blame the other for their pain or disappointment. The problem with marriage is the that the way it's often advertised, it suggests that buying a ring and eating cake insures decades of euphoria instantaneously.
It might seem a bit premature, but why not try marriage counseling? Many faiths require you to take marriage "classes" anyway before you make your promises to love and take care of each other. Rather then tell him you want to "make the marriage work", tell him you to care for him and you want him to care for you, but you feel like neither of you knows how to do it and you want help. It sounds like he needs to get stuff off his chest too and he's scared to do it.
Congrats on your marriage and good luck.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (23 December 2011): There's a lot going on in your relationship, and I'm no expert. But, I do suggest buying the the CD set "Making Love Work" by Terry Real (google terry real CD or something similar). I have listened to these and they offer a lot of solid insight and advice.I have not attended any of his workshops, but I have heard they can work miracles in relationships. I suggest talking to your husband in a non confrontational manner and express that you are concerned about the relationship, and that you want to work on it so you're both happy.Try walking out of the room if he says something nasty to you. This isn't about making a big show out of it, it's simply a matter of deciding that you are not going to let yourself be treated like that. Let him know that it's up to him to decide if you wants to say hurtful things, that you are going to walk out if he says something, and then follow though on it consistently without getting hurt and emotional. If it stops "working" for him, odds are he'll stop.Still, there's a lot going on, and there's no way I can give you any more than a couple suggestions that may or may not help.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (23 December 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the question@eddie85 - Thank you so much for your thorough and thoughtful reply. I am already starting to feel better just reading over your reply again and again, and it certainly helps to hear from someone who isn't so emotionally charged up as I am right now. I will really think over what you've said, and hopefully tomorrow night, if all goes well, there will finally be some love-making and we can move forward from here.
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A
male
reader, eddie85 +, writes (23 December 2011):
 Sorry to see that your honeymoon phase was over so quickly.
How do you get over your resentment / anger? You forgive and let go... Marriage is filled with that, while it may be tough, it sounds like both of you are going to need to get good at it. Let's face it, as a couple, you are going to let each other down from time to time and how you deal with the disappointment and resentment will determine your success as a couple. If you keep picking at it, the scab will never form and new "skin" will not grow.
As far as your sex life goes -- sometimes it is an indicator of the over health of the relationship. It is important to realize though, that even if you aren't in the mood, I believe, you still should try to make love to one another - even if you are angry. Withholding love and affection hurts just as much as words do. It may be tough, but the love making is an important part of a relationship. When one couple neglects the other in this department, the relationship often deteriorates fast.
Your husband also must learn to control his temper. Anger is fine, but the verbal assault he does deliver will wear at you. When things get heated between the two of you, I suggest calling a truce and letting things settle down. Next time things are more passive, suggest ways that you can avoid getting to the boiling point. Perhaps a code word that says "Things are getting hot in here, let's cool off a bit" Either party can call it and it basically means you give yourself X amount of time to walk it off and come back to the table in a more calm, rational manner.
I'd also urge you to read the book -- together -- "The Proper Care and Feeding of Marriage" by Dr Laura Schlessinger. I found the book to be instrumental and it has a different bent than most self-help books. For you, there is also "The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands" Both are quick, easy reads that you can find in your local book store.
You don't go into detail about the issues are you are facing, but a certified therapist -- even if you go by yourself -- or as a couple, might be beneficial. Go there to work on your communication skills -- don't go there to dump your resentments against each other and have the therapist play referee.
Finally, for Christmas, why not give the gift of each other -- to one another. Forgive one another and share the joy of the season with your new family. Tonight, wear something nice and seduce your husband like you did when you were first dating. Sometimes that is all it takes to smooth things over. And remember what the season is all about: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Gift_of_the_Magi -- perhaps it is time to read that short story together.
Ultimately, your communication and compromising skills are going to be what makes or breaks your marriage. Hopefully you can come to an agreement so that neither one is disappointed and you once again are happy with one another.
Merry Christmas and best wishes.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (23 December 2011): I don't have an answer but these words concern me a lot:"The biggest problem with the fighting is that my husband has always had a bit of a mean streak -- the kind of guy who knows exactly what matters to you, how to hurt you with words, what name to call you or what sore subject to bring up -- and when he gets really angry, he loses his temper and lets all the mud fly. Normally (before now) there wasn't much arguing, so it rarely ever got to that point, and when it did, it was usually just one hurtful thing and I could get over it."It seems like maybe his true self is really coming out now? That sometimes happens when you get married. You need to talk to him about all of this immediately: show him your question- don't hold anything back. Arguing is no way to spend the beginning of your marriage, you should cherish your time together.
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