A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I am three weeks separated from my wife, who I have dated, lived with and been married to for 7 years - married for 4.5 years.We have two beautiful children, 1.5 and 3.5 years old. We put every wrench into our relationship without spending time on ourselves - dealing with family issues, mortgages, rental, two children and money difficulties while trying to fix up our home to sell.She was always someone I looked to for guidance, who I always admired. As things started to fall apart, it became apparent that I treated her different than I felt about her. I respect her more than any other woman, but treated her with condescension.Obviously there are problems with me that I am addressing; I am even questioning, well, more than that, asserting, a career change because I am just plain not happy and not going anywhere.Point is, we can barely speak now, and we have these two children. We have equal custody, equal time with the kids.And I miss her. But I hate myself around her. I know I need to love myself, that is the key to getting someone to love you. I have highs and lows. Right now I just plain miss her. I know all the tips for getting past someone: eat healthy, stay busy, focus on self. It helps, but at times it does not help at all.I don't really know what my question is, I just needed to get this out. Any thoughts?
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male
reader, bheaste +, writes (12 May 2009):
Thank you anon. For the eight years, how long was the distance growing b/w you two? Of our 4.5 years, the last two we grew apart. She told me she had just lost herself and needed to find it again. So I backed off. To all the husbands out there, if your wife tells you she has lost herself, it is up to you to be humble and ask what you are doing wrong, because it is YOU that is affecting her! Laying off only furthers the issue. Lay yourself humbly before her.
I would love to try to fix it now, but it does feel too late as well. The more I say the less she trusts, and I don't blame her. I see it all now, but didn't when I had the chance to fix it. I don't even trust my own words around her, despite my intent. They feel empty. I don't know what I was thinking, and I only wish I had already gone through this so as to not expose her to it.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 May 2009): Wow.. This is all way too familiar to me. I was with my now ex husband for 8 yrs and we have a now 4 year old and 2 year old. We separated a year ago for the same reasons. He was so unhappy and stopped all affection and withdrew from me. I tried over and over again to tell him we have problems, we need help, ect and he didn't listen and always got
defensive. Well I eventually got to the point that I was hurt for the last time and I lost all feelings for him. Its been a year and he's still not ok and he can't move on. I believe he's willing to work at it but its too late. Its a shame cause it all could have been prevented. My advise is don't let it get that far and you need to give her time and no matter how hard, you need to keep your emotions in check. Cause you have 2 children that come first and if its over for you two, its not for them. You need to work on a friendship, no matter how hard.
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A
male
reader, bheaste +, writes (12 May 2009):
anon:
One difference. I was always trying to get affection from her, and she started pulling away. The reason I say this is b/c if you still desire affection from your husband, and you can see how hurt he is, obviously (to me) there is something still there. Maybe just a communication issue? That is totally fixable.
It may be too late for us, however. She has told me she is unattracted to me. At times doesn't even like me. But you guys obviously still have pull on each other. I hope you can reach common ground.
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A
male
reader, bheaste +, writes (12 May 2009):
Krystelle:
We have had many honest conversations about it, and she just says she is past the point, that there is no feeling there. that she is numb. The problem is that whenever she did address my issues, i got defensive, then she withdrew, and the cycle spiraled downward.
anon:
wow, some of that is very similar. I told her she has no idea how much i love her. and my whole family is shocked b/c all i did was speak well of her and defend her. But behind closed doors, i took her for granted and focused only on the things to make our life better, except for the actual relationship. She keeps saying she doesn't want to hurt me, but she is past the point of feeling anything.
Thank you all for your responses.
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A
male
reader, bheaste +, writes (12 May 2009):
Hi Starfish,
Okay, me. Well, after some research I have come to realize I have some issues from my childhood which have contributed to me being an unhappy person. Rather, I have not dealt with the past and as a result I have not focused enough time on myself to figure out what makes me happy. Funny, I thought I had it all figured out, and meeting and marrying her made me so happy. But I didn't have myself quite figured out.
I have reacted with anger two times since the split, and regret it both times. She is so graceful and strong, that it's hard to stay on that level with her. I guess ideally both partners recognize each other's faults and learn to accept them. In our case we had so many distractions from the beginning that we never had that chance to grow together.
I will try to talk to her casually like you say. Right now it is so toxic that it's impossible to get even to that point.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (12 May 2009): I think you have at least two questions.
How do i get over her? and how do i get over me?
One thing i am surprised at is you haven't mentioed why you split up?
The how do i get over her:
I think you know the techniques for this - if not here are some more: they work - but only if you work.
http://www.dearcupid.org/question/how-do-i-move-on-after-breaking-up.html
SO ok the question of you.
why do you behave badly around her - you area grown up? so act like one think how you should behave and be like that. I think you are hurt by what has happened (or the lack of control) and now lash out - this is still a fresh wound for both of you. You need to be strong and behave and believe for the kids and your sanity it will get better.
try talking about other things with her - not house \ money \ kids. something else ? the moon, a film etc, how are you then?
Star.x.
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A
female
reader, Krystelle  +, writes (12 May 2009):
Although I don't know much about marriage I do have some ideas that could work. You could ask her what it was that made her want a divorce; you said you acted differently. Find out how. Together you could sort out those problems, she could tell you whenever you're doing whatever it was again. You may not be back together straight away but it will help and you'd still be close enough that you could ask for guidance and admire her still, plus it might make it easier on the children if you remained friends.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (12 May 2009): your post made me sad, because I have kids the same age and am leaving my husband. He says he loves me more than I know but never will SHOW it. I have to tell him to kiss or hug me. He needs reminding. which hurts me beyond anything. The thing is he wasn't always like that, thats the hard part too.
I don't know what to tell you , all I know as being the wife of a man I'm hurting, it hurts me to hurt him, to see him so low and cry.
keep busy is right. I cry a lot and its because I love him so much but cannot deal with it anymore. I hope things get better for you. Pick up a hobby or put a lot into your kids. I know thats what I will be doing.
best of luck
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