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male
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anonymous
writes: Please help me if you can,Well I don’t know where to start, I was a happy successful person, confident with life and my achievement in life and with people around myself, I was going to the gym, meeting friends and family nothing at all excessive just to the point of normal people with good degree of social skills…I meet my wife about 2 years ago and we got married 6 months ago. At the beginning I felt something is not right but still I ignored it, to the point of regretting it today.The problem is so many I will categorize all which are really really bother me:Firstly, she earns much more than me (3 times), before marriage I never ever thought that would be a problem, I married for love, and to be with her and not her money, I earn respectably good money myself. She is so tight with her money, she hasn’t got this idea of sharing life together, and it is our life now, she just earn for herself and not at all bother about me and our life. It is like we are in business together!!!, to let you know to date I am meeting her half way in whatever we spend and do, even though she can do more for our comfort, she is not interested, is that normal? Secondly : she got problem with me meeting my friends and family. She is not very socialized and she wants me to be the same. She never takes initiative in inviting people around or even try to make friends, she think life is just about me and her locking ourselves behind the close door. I am tired of life like thatThirdly : she is so full of herself even when she is wrong she doesn’t accept it, nor she apologize! but I always do. She think I have to dedicate myself 24 hours to her and nothing in the world should be important . she never ever show any interest about my career, my problems (specially if it is money problem), my jobs, my friends . she think she is the best in the world with her ideas and no one knows better. We are having arguments after arguments, and the life is hell …She has so many requests after requests that I tried to meet all of them, but she never satisfied and wants more and more, without her making any attempt to change herself. I have clearly said what I want to be changed and she is just ignoring me and continuing through the path of destructions. For your information, our sex life is very good, neither of us have drink and drug problems, nor we are having an affair , the big problem is I just feel I made a wrong decision marrying her, and I don’t know what to do ? I don’t want to feel miserable for the rest of my life….Please advice me what I should do?Thanks very much
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male
reader, Yos  +, writes (24 August 2006):
 I'll tell you what I think may be going on. I could be wrong, but see if what I say rings any bells for you.
Your description of your wife sounds to me like someone with deep insecurities that are being masked by being an over achiever. This is not unusual. In order to cover up her self-perceived deficiencies, she compensates through her work, through her ego, through her stubbornness.
Someone like this will be covering a well of negativity and pain. If you spend a lot of time with them that negativity will suck your energy until you feel thin, drained an unhappy. Which it sounds like you are.
If this is correct, then therapy for her would be the best thing. However, the chances of her seeing that she needs therapy are very slim. You are probably better off trying to get her to attend couples therapy with you, since you can legitimately claim that you are having issues. Once there, you would expect your underlying issues to come out, including hers.
Having been in a bad marriage (now divorced) I have one specific bit of fairly obvious personal advice. Don't have kids until you have settled this one way or the other! Getting out of a bad marriage without kids is vastly preferable to getting out of one where children are involved.
A
male
reader, Wild Thaing  +, writes (24 August 2006):
 Sir, there are always two sides to a story, especially one that seems as unhappy as yours. But from what you have told us there is a communication problem that existed from the moment the both of you met. Becoming married exacerbates the issue because you're in each other's faces day in and day out now. And while you recognize a communication breakdown, she has not come around to that same understanding.
In order for you to establish balance in your marriage you must work towards standing on your own two feet. This way you can walk with those feet if the both of you cannot resolve the communication issue. Without communication you preclude the possibility of achieving mutual respect and balance. Successful marriages are those where two people choose to be together, not need to be together.
It's not easy to live in the shadow of someone with a huge ego. My wife is about to enter partnership in her accounting firm. I am sure that times will come when I have to remind her that we are also in an equal partnership, especially when she feels the immense pressure of obligations to others in her business. By the way I have an immense ego as well, so you can imagine how some conversations go with my wife :)
Finally, your complaints about social life are tied to the communication issue. Again, without communication there is no chance for understanding and compromise. And understanding is what is desperately required from both of you for this complaint to go away.
The most helpful thing you can do now is to become self-reliant so that you can reclaim your self-esteem. Good luck and take care.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (24 August 2006): Before you pack it in, I think you both need some good marriage counselling because there is a glaring mismatch in basic values, attitudes, expectations and goals. Either both of you meet an "understanding' or this marriage is dead in the water. Due to her behaviours, you are feeling resentful and put upon. You are not connecting and bonding with her. This is not a healthy situation...this is all about power, competiveness and ego. Power in a marriage is disasterous. It's when one or both people forget about acceptance, compromise and negotiation and one strives to always be the 'one on top'. Power struggles may put a person 'on top' but they basically make one a lonely person. You wife is not realizing that there is no real intimacy, when power, control, the me-me attitude.. is exercised in a marriage. Sit her down and see if she'll go to marriage counselling. You both need to learn to communicate effectively, maturely. Good luck dear
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female
reader, kerry87 +, writes (24 August 2006):
Hi, first of all changing a person can be almost impossible, a person will only change themselves when they are ready! And most importantly you should not have to change for anyone else! Tell your wife how you are feeling, sit her down and explain openly that your beginning to feel the relationship is not as equally balanced as you would like. You obviously love your wife to have married in the first place so things must not have always been this bad! Try to remind her of the woman you met and fell in love with.. If I am right and your wife has began to change since marriage then perhaps there has been something in her mind that has made these changes come about! All you can do in this situation is be honest to your wife and most importantly yourself, if after explaining your feelings to her your still in this situation then at least you can say you tried.I'm not a therapist or a psychologist but I do know that if your open with your wife and yourself you'll see what you need to do.Hope I've helped!Kerry x
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female
reader, neci +, writes (24 August 2006):
sounds like you may be having some insecurities, don't trip....now dont be a wimp stand up to her and stand firm. I feel your pain..but if you continue to let her keep her foot on you she would have won, sounds like youre a loving sensitive person. Hold your head up no matter what and you will know whether to stay or go but do all you can if you love her without loosing yourself (self-esteem)
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female
reader, Helen1986  +, writes (24 August 2006):
 Well first of all I am glad that you are remaining faithful to her. She seems like a nightmare to live with. You should have a social life, remind her that it is important that you both have friends. Relationships are partnerships and should not be one sided. You should both make compromises, which you obviously have but your wife is being pretty selfish. I think that you should both see a councillor together to try and improve your marriage. Hopefully she will learn her faults and improve if she doesn't, it is no way for you to live your life. So I suggest you think about a seperation. Good luck
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (24 August 2006): It sounds like she wasn't ready to get married yet. You two should probably go to couples counseling to resolve these big issues (since there are so many). If she won't go (and, sadly, I don't think she sounds like the kind of person who really would) then you need to go yourself to figure things out on your own.
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