A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I’m sorry that this is of essay length but I’m really very unhappy and need advice desperately.I was involved in a very intense and passionate but turbulent relationship with a man whom I could never quite understand. He had three long relationships before he met me and all the break-ups were bitter and hostile. His ex girlfriends had told me that he was lazy, unmotivated and a liar but I still took the plunge. This man (R) has had a very hard life and has struggled very hard for everything. He has battled poverty and a broken family and eventually the death of his parents. He quit studying on a whim and started taking up various small jobs which never lasted more than 3-4 months. When he had girlfriends, he lived off them. I have even caught him talking about his exes in very derogatory terms, criticizing their bodies and their performance in bed. After we met, I made it clear that I wouldn’t support him and he told me he was serious about me and went about looking for a job. He found a job that was respectable but paid very little. He’d always blow up most of the money in one week and then borrow from his friends. I’d always caught him in little pointless lies. We would fight endlessly over his lies and his lack of responsible behaviour. Every time I tried to break up, he’d hurt himself by breaking bottles on his head or slashing himself. This pattern of behaviour continued and I realized that I was always stressed out with him. I loved him a lot but we fought like cats and dogs, abusing each other and sometimes getting violent too. I didn’t like the fact that he was always in debt, always in trouble of some sort and prone to lying. I couldn’t see a future with him. Then I met a man (J) who was his exact opposite in every conceivable manner. He was gentle, patient, honest and stable. I started developing feelings for him and I immediately told R about him and informed him that I was ending the relationship. As soon as I said that, there began a cycle of verbal abuse and constant harassment by R, with periods of pleading for forgiveness in between. He said the most horrible things to me like I was a liar, a cheater and an ugly woman. He wouldn’t let me sleep at night and made life miserable for me. Eventually I was compelled to approach his boss for help (because I didn’t want to involve the police) and then he stopped harassing me. J knew about everything that was going on and he patiently waited for me, standing by me through those four months of trauma. But now that a sense of finality has set in with regard to R and I know that it is OVER, I have begun missing him terribly, though I know he’s all wrong for me. I want to go back to him because I fear that the passion and the comfort I shared with him will never be replicated in another relationship. But I also know that going back to him would mean a life of stress and hardship…with never a moment of peace. On the other hand, J wants a committed relationship with me and he’s just perfect for me in so many ways and I care a lot about him but I can’t seem to get over R. I know R will take me back if I go back to him. What should I do?
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debt, ex girlfriend, his ex, liar, money, period, violent Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (31 March 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you all so much! Especially Nx. I'll give myself time to get over R because as you all pointed out, I might end of regretting it forever.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (30 March 2012): I understand how you feel,bv try your very best not to go back to R. I think he is waiting in the wings and expecting you to go back. If you did,the same thing will happen again,and one day you will regret losing J,and wonder what on earth you have done. Take it easy on yourself.day by day. You will get over R,but only in time,and you have to let yourself go through the pain,and different feelings. One day,you will be so glad you let it go. Plz try your hardest,and stay with J. He sounds like a good guy. X good luck. Nx
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (29 March 2012): The obvious answer would be to end all contact with the ex, give yourself a year to recover, be single and content with yourself before jumping into another commitment so fast. What you want is a quick solution to your pain and things don't work that way. You have a lot of work you have to do on yourself before you are capable of having a healthy relationship. You'll either choose to do that work now or jump from man to man until you are much older and find yourself single again and out of options.
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A
female
reader, fi_the_tree  +, writes (29 March 2012):
 Don't go back to R, if you do you'll have to lose J from your life and when things between you and R turn sour, J WON'T be there for you.
You said it yourself, you and R fought like cats and dogs, there was verbal abuse and even violent behaviour. Why would you want that back in your life???
You worked hard to get him out of your life, don't ruin everything by going back to it!!!!
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